Hi, John. I've experienced severe anxiety and panic attacks. I know they can be miserable. Some of what helped me besides Al Anon, good friends, consistent meeting with a counselor, was to sign up for things I'd never done before that didn't cost me a lot of money because I didn't have any: A car care course, participant in a musical fundraiser for a local hospital, a grief group. Although my panic attacks continued (driving to the car care course the first night I can remember telling my body that it could fight me all the way there, but I was going whether I had a colitis attack or not), they lessened and finally disappeared the more things I did that were pleasant and not focused on my crappy life at the time. It gave me balance that I needed to do new things with new people for fun and to learn a new skill. I also ended up moving to a new state and a new job and a new life within a year or two of the time I was experiencing the attacks. Maybe your HP is inviting you into a brand new life and its very scary for you? If it hadn't been for my friends, I never would have moved even though I would be away from the x, earning more than I'd ever earned and working only one job, because I was paralyzed with fear the weekend we were to move me. They boxed me up. Loaded my stuff. Drove me off.  And I'm so glad they did. I'm not saying what worked for me will work for you, but maybe so?

I do find myself wondering if you have ever grieved the losses you've experienced in your life with trained professionals and peers? If not, I highly suggest doing that if you can find a good group? Those were all sudden losses. Hospice might be a good contact for you as a place to meet with a grief counselor. Depending on where you go, some are free.

Finally, if you are watching news, crime shows or reading news, you may want to shut that all down for now?  I get more and more depressed and anxious and irritable and cynical when I watch that stuff for long.  Lots of support and care, John.

 

 

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 9th of June 2013 08:15:05 PM

Hello Everyone,

 I am scared.  I doubt most will understand the depths of despair i am in and feeling.

I have never been a big man.  The most i have ever weighed was 142 lbs at 5"11'.  I have worn a size 32 pant in the waist since my early 20's.  Now, i am 54 and in the last 2 years i lost 24 lbs, 4 pant sizes for an already small framed man as myself.  I have to put a belt on to hold size 29's up. 

I have been living with high level anxiety for the same 2 years. On a 1-10 scale my anxiety always sits at 7-9.  This is the best it gets throughout a day.  Anxiety attacks happen several times a day, where i have bumped the 10 or above scale.  If you have never experienced one it is hard to describe in words adequate enough to give the horror of it true justice.  Most times there are no warning signs of one forthcoming.  It just suddenly slams me.

Some mornings i no more open my eyes, put my feet on the floor and i am greeted by a full blown anxiety attack before a single thought has been able to be created between my ears.  My phone ringing can increase the level of anxiety i am already dealing with in the course of a day.  On my way to a job, which i am very skilled and good at, my anxiety will increase the closer i get to it and by the time i am pulling into the customers driveway, its full blown anxiety attack.  I have to work through it sitting in my truck before i can even start the job by ringing the customers door bell.  And as embarassing as it is the first thing i have to do is ask to use their bathroom with a bit of urgency because the anxiety is pushing everything out of my bowl and kidney.  This i attribute to a great amount of my weight loss.  I eat plenty but because of the anxiety and what is does to my stomach i am not able to hold food in me long enough to pull any of the neutrants out of it that my system needs.   Another very harsh syntome is that my esophagus creates a gag reflex, like someone is placing their finger all the way down my throat and i start uncontrollably gagging, i can' breath, so in an afford to try to get air in my lungs i start hypoventilating.  I'm merely trying to breath!  When all this starts to finally pass, which is usually in 30-45 minutes, i am sweating profusely, trembling worse than the leafs on a tree during a wind storm, extremely light headed due to not getting enough oxygen to the brain during the hypoventilating.  And this is happening to me 4-5 times a day!

An old sponsor of mine is a licensed psycotherapist and addiction specialist.  He is currently unemployed because they shut down the program he was working at for the pass 10 years.  I spoke with him about all of this and he is inclined to believe i am suffering from "Repetitious Emotional Traumatisation"  and what i am experiencing is an expression of PTSD from the overloaded emotional sensory input.  He is also very concerned that there are physical ramifications from it.  He kinda broke it down... in relatively recent terms.

2006 Fort Mayers Florida- Both my aunts murdered on same day, by same person, taking the last members of my mothers family of orgin.

2007 Vinton VA - My favorite sister murdered by her husband of 27 yrs with gun shot to head when he found out she was seeing an attorney about divorce.

2008 Wilmington NC - My very best friend for over 10 yrs died of cancer 90 days after diagnosis. 

2009 Wilmington NC - A sponsee of 7 yrs, relapsed and died.  Death warrant says overdose, but it was really a suicide.

2010 Wilmington NC - Discovered ex wife was having an affair, immediately separated, and in 2011 i filed for divorce.  Just because i did the paperwork did not make it hurt any less.  I was crushed.  

2012 Wilmington NC - 33 yr old son begs for my help, he is alcoholic.  I fly him in from Texas.  Within 3 days he is drunk and drinking in my home.  I kick him out, letting him know i will help him get into detox and then into someone elses halfway house when he is truly ready.  That night he breaks into a store at 4am and steals beer and cigs.  He is caught and put on a 10,000 bond.  This is 2 weeks before christmas.  I swear i am not going to get him out! Three days before Christmas, guess who pays 1,000 to get him out on a secure bond?  Yep, dad.  I let him know i will shallow the 1,000 but if he runs i won't eat the other 9 grand.  He runs, i hunt, he goes back to jail. 3 days later he runs, all the way back to Texas.  I locate him through family, pass the info on to bondsmen, and that day he is picked up by a bounty hunter and brought right back here to jail.  He is now out of jail on a 3 year probation, has to stay here for the duration of it.  He refuses to talk to me because in his alcoholic mind i did him wrong, doesnt even seem to cross his mind that he left me with a 9,000 debt for some beer and cigs he stole and then violated the trust i placed in him to at least show up in court, but ran instead.  So, as things are now i have lost my son, my only child.

A year later i am barely functional and anxiety attacks, isolation and utter loneliness has moved in and taken over my life.  I keep pretending everything is okay, but i have been lying.  I feel like i can barely breath, like i am dying slowly but surely.  I go through the motions of a day the very best i can, putting one foot in front of the other, but the fully energized, full of life, ambitious, enthustisic, motivated man is no where to be found.

Sponsor says any good therapist would require i undergo a complete physical and blood work.  He says that the emotional trauma i have been through could trigger or escalate physical problems such as hyperthyroid, diabetes, high blood pressure, hypergluose, resperation issues and other elments that need to be looked into and addressed before any therapy could be relatively effective.  

No insurance, no surplus money, so i start calling free health care clinics.  They all say i am outside the scope of services they offer and would end up referring me out to specialist and doctors that require payment at time of service or insurance.  I go to medicaid, they require i apply for disability before considering me for it and the waiting list is 18 months or so long before they will consider my case!

I feel so lost and hopeless right now.  For years i have done the very best i can to be the best person i can, and i feel like in the end i am the one that life is going to leave behind.  

Just completely overwhelmed, sad, scared to death and no where to turn.

John

 

 

 

John:

I feel sort of helpless reading your post as far as what services might be available to you.  It looks like Cathy had a suggestion that may help in that way?  

The anxiety you describe though, i can relate to.  I was hurting really bad one Saturday afternoon right after 2013 got started and went to the chat room here.  I told my whole sad story with no nook or cranny unturned and there you were to help me talk it out.  That was the start of me truly hearing that what my A did was really not my business and that day you helped me to hear that loud and clear.  My life was changing then for the better and I didn't even know it yet.I will never forget how much you helped me that day, and how much coming to these boards and meetings has helped me every day since.

I don't know much--but I know everyone here cares about you and how you are doing very much, so hoping that going to more meetings, reading the literature and trying to get additional help will be some positives for you. 

Saying prayers for you and sending lots of positivity and strength your way.

Mary

John,

I am so sorry.  It sounds like you have had some great suggestions and if I can think of anything else, I will certainly pass on the information. 

Cathyinaz wrote:

---

ObamaCare should kick in for you. I would try the government and see what you can find out. Put in your zip code and see what facilities come up with little or no money. You pay according to what you can afford.

http://www.hrsa.gov/gethealthcare/index.html

 

 

 Thank you Cathy, the NH Community Care Center is one I called last friday, they are the only ones listed on that site for my area.  They are so short funded that they have reduced their care to pediatric care, and terminally ill care for the most part... HIV, Cancer, MS, and the sort.

Their site says...

 

 

Prenatal and Newborn Care		Sick and Well-Child Care
	Immunizations		Nutrition Counseling
	Adolescent Health Care
	Gynecology		Geriatric Care
	Women's Health		Minor Injuries
	Sports Physicals
	Family Planning/Contraception		Minor Surgical Procedures
	On-Site Dental Care		Specialty Service Referrals

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

According to the person I spoke with I would fall under the specialty service referrals category. (Outsourced to non sliding scale, insurance required for speciality providers. :(

I went ahead and printed out one of their applications for service, will fill it out tonight and get it into them to tomorrow and see what avenue or route it might open for me. Both the person I spoke with and the site says the qualifying process could take up to a month.

 

 

My sponsor once asked me what can you get from putting too much weight on the bar when you're doing your lifting?   My response was "a hernia" (I knew because I already had/have one) and he nodded and then asked me, "and so what is the solution"? and my response was "drop the bar immediately and then take some of the weight off".    Riiiight!!  

John try reading your post as if you were one of us...or someone in the meeting.  See you you would respond if it was I who was telling it.  I relate to your share...been there and done that myself and got an invitation to do it again yesterday and into today; something I have had no power over since 1964 which gave me notice that it can re-occur in it's own time and space without giving me notice.  I think about the consequences to my wife and my life should it revist for a longer period of time and my fear level goes off scale until I have to "let go and let God" because it isn't really happening my mind is just doing "what ifs and it could be's"   I am powerless I cannot do anything about anything that isn't real and then I remember the last word of the second step and the consequence of "coming to believe and practicing the process of detachment and letting go....Sanity".  I personally believe that the disease we are affected by is a four level disease...mind, body, spirit and emotions.  When my mind conjures up the "false evidence" and tricks me into believing it because it "appears real" then my emotions follow that reality and so does my body (all systems) and finally my spirit reacts and I'm done for...I'm a gonner and maybe not worth saving.  I've reached suicidal ideation with plans before and not since I confirmed my membership in the Al-Anon Family Groups and then AA.  I don't use alcohol at all to temporarily remove the pain before causing it to get worse and I still remember the taste of "gun-metal blue" which is another permanent solution to a temporary problem.  Program works when you work it and you can only work it in today.  One of my home group members who is a day short of 4 years after relapsing a day short of 4 years in the past spoke of only one of the philosophies which helps him to maintain his sanity, sobriety and serenity.  "If you keep one foot in the past and one in the future you end up crapping on today".  Some of the stuff which you have been visited with in the past really sucks.  Some of the sucking sounds had nothing to do with John...they were beyond your choosing.  Some of the rest you had the choice and took the risk and the outcome wasn't so expected yet didn't dent your ability and practice to continue loving.  So how much of the whole picture is really John?  Add to that picture MIP and do you find reason to react negatively and describe John as a mess.  I certainly can't.  MIP is one of the most magical things I have ever seen and participated in.  This is a 24/7, anytime of the day recovery therapy for me...hope that doesn't make you feel anxious or fearful...hope my gratitude doesn't scare you.  PTSD??!!  LOL I don't believe I'm so special with this one and I do take a non-addicting chemical, by choice and only when I need to stay asleep...not get to sleep; other wise I've got a host of demon enemies in my mind who want to kill me by keeping my awake and talking me to death.  My trigger yesterday?  the paralysis from the waist down will comeback and stay and then "what if it doesn't".

The suggestions you have received from your MIP family (we're in your living room) are gold.  You are not such a mess.  You are a messenger getting messages.  Follow thru.  ((((hugs)))) 

You are in my prayers..enjoy a big 'ol God blanket.

Hugs John, I like the suggestion of protein powder along with getting your mental health checked out. Find a way to feed your starving body something. I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now, I ask God to stand beside you.

Great News John  So glad that Jackie's suggeston worked for you.

Please keep us updated as to the outcome

Some of your symptoms sound likean ooveractive thyroid. A blood test could rule it out.x

So glad you were able to find a resource and have an appointment.  My bro had these symptoms when he had an overactive thyroid.  The weight loss is just that rapid.  His has been regulated with a med no surgury nothing more than take a pill each day. Hope you feel some peace now that you've got an appt. set up.  Keep us posted. We're here for you.  Hugs!  TT

It's going to be okay John. You already got most of the feedback I would give you. Sounds like a form of PTSD mixed with Panic Disorder. Meds can help a bunch but usually not 100 percent. The meds will get you to the point to make some difficult but necessary changes.

It also sounds like a "fee for services" type job is exacerbating the situation. Not only does it make you have no insurance, but you have no leave and no supportive help from bosses or coworkers. You are very qualified to work in the addictions field even if it's just as a tech to start with. Why not get certified and do that? You are pretty darned good at it from both the alanon and AA side of things...also experienced to work with trauma victims.

Maybe your HP is giving you some of these challenges to make you into a counselor for others. That's what I see in you. Heck I am a counselor and you talked me down before. I dunno. Just an idea but this is what I would envision for you as you are getting older (no not old...just older) and probably shouldn't be making your entire living off manual labor as an independent contractor. All this will be a process but it may get you closer to your authentic self which, again, I do see as a natural helper/counselor.

Am so Not a mess. But Crunch all Cupcakes! I am shaken just reading about how you are feeling.

I didn't see this yesterday, and came thatclose to PMing you to say I really liked your email in support of another member that you sent not long before you posted this.

I wish I had something profound to say that would make you well in a heartbeat.

I second the protein powder, glad you have an appt. with somebody who may steer you towards some help and really like the suggestion to go to the ER the next time you feel that way. You are going to set off enough bells and whistles that somebody will have to do Something.

Bless your heart. You have done so much for all of us and you are precious.

Hugs,
Temple

I am so sad John.  Just saw this. Those are such uncomfortable symptoms. Been there, sorta doing that..ugh

Well paths is right. It would help you to eat and drink foods that are not going to make the anxiety worse.

No smoking or being around someone who does, no sugar, caffeine either. Protein is very important. Eat as close to nature as possible.

What are you doing for fun? I am always asking people this. It is sooo important. We have to let go as much as we can. There is a reason we laugh and play.

I know it is miniscule, but what I did was walk. Take your sweet dogs for walks. I am telling you, people will talk to you about your dogs. It makes you approachable.

I can feel like you do, go get groceries with my service dog, the people who talk to me heal me without knowing it!

Also have you tried melatonin? Eat turkey? warm milk at night? non caffiene hot chocolate is good. Showers make me feel better, massages? I say everything thing is ok a lot. Stick to the moment.

It could actually be a physcial problem too John. Are you taking vitamins? Do you have any aches and pains that are not normal?

You have been thru lots. Life is not easy thing for most of us.

Are you getting your spiritual food? If one believes in the Bible, it tells us we need that beyond all else. The Bible is how the creator talks to us. I like that. I invite you to read 1Timothy. I like that book. In the back of your Bible there should be an index of words in the Bible. Then you go to the scriptures of where they are used.

You can put in love and have a million things to search.

If you are interested I can send you this great site. You can compare it to your own Bible of course. I learn so much there.

You may need to pull closer to friends, family if you still have them. I know at our age they get fewer.

I can tell you John after all these years, you have progressed so very very much. Your heart is HUGE. You always cared, but now you do even more about others. You are much more approachable, and give great experience sharing. I love how you are back on the board.  You and I are just of a few who have been here so many years.

I hope you find some relief. If you need or already have meds, then get them or get them adjusted. Go to walmart and get your bp gauged. that can easily cause your symptoms.

 Hey right now I am eating mostly rice. I have a rice cooker, one of my smarter buys. NEW too not from Goodwill lol.

Look how you are eating. You may need to tweak it some. Now I don't eat meat but am guessin you do. I found when I was in your position the best thing was good bread and deli garlic chicken sandwiches. Then I made home made soup. Progresso is a good soup though. As far as the sugar part, if you are going to eat it, eat some well made ice cream unless you are lactose intolerant,they get sorbet.

Are you getting to meetings? One of the best, if not best things is to help others, even if you feel crummy.

ONE step at a time. Be good to you mr! Remember that story you told about someone, you? Calling an ambulance to get to the city to get booze? That cracked me up so much. I share it all the time. share it again!

I think you gave it as a talk at and AA big meeting.

Hugz John, love,debilyn

I like what the little old nurse said, You're going to be ok, I promise. :)
Prayers for your serenity and courage.

wp

what you are experiencing sounds utterly overwhelming and consuming.  Try hard to remember that this too shall pass and you WILL get through this John. You have many friends here who are rooting for you....and your recovery. You have experienced an inordinate amount of trauma....and you have gotten through it. Have faith in yourself....you are doing all the right things in getting help. You ARE NOT alone....we are all praying for a reprieve of your suffering..

Sending you hugs, prayers and support John!