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Lately I have been thinking about resistances to attending al anon meetings and the thoughts took me to the beginning of my recovery. I dipped my toe into an al anon meeting about 23 years ago and did not go back for 14 years. I had a range of reasons, too, like "I am fine, it is my husband that has the problem", "my husband will be furious if I go back", "it is too smoky", "I don't have time working full time and raising 4 kids", "there aren't convenient meeting times", blah blah blah. The real reason I did not go is my ego knew if I attended, my victim/martyr gig would be up and I would have to change. Even after 14 more years of hell with an addition of prescription meds thrown into the mix, it took a gutsy, tell it like it is addiction counselor to grab me like a pit bull to get my behind into an al anon meeting chair. Even then, I only went because I did not want to experience her "look" when I told her I had not attended a meeting. And, even though I went, I was all conflicted within with thoughts stemming from arrogance, judgment AND peace/comfort. It was the peace/comfort (after a few meetings..I was a tough one) that keep me going back...I felt like maybe I really had found some peeps. It took me a LONG time to share with honesty and I remember feeling so frustrated because I could not get to my truth. I judged myself so harshly, because I had worked in the mental health/rehab field for a very long time and I could not get to my truth or apply the steps. Although it is easier now to get to my truth and integrate the 12 steps into all of my affairs, I still struggle in getting to weekly meetings. I love being alone and have a bit of a hermit edge to my personality, yet, I know I need to go to meetings, so I go. The energy of the meetings keeps my in my heart and attendance is not just about me. So, for what it is worth, these are my Sunday morning musings. Have a wonderful Sunday.....
PP thanks for such a great and funny share. I love it. And could identify SO much - I used all the same excuses that you did
(I think that's an embarrassed smiley)
I like to get in my shell too and really need to get out of it and into meetings. I found that committing to service work was a way that made me keep coming back. I am so very grateful for al anon and to myself for getting there and taking part. I love the adventure of al anon in my life
I can identify with the victim mentality - that is going to take slow and careful and ongoing weeding to keep out of my life
Ahh, this post resonates with me, and the best I can muster is "me too!"....
I love your statement about the "victim/martyr gig would be up"....
Early on, in what I guess would be called MY pre-recovery, I got very good at seeking out people who would "poor Tom" me, because let's face it - living with an active alcoholic in our lives can and is devastating - but it was never a problem in finding someone to feel sorry for me.... Trouble is, after (way too long) awhile, I realized that I wasn't getting any better...
For me, it was the sometimes encouraging, sometimes harsh, but always loving words of my sponsor, who kicked me in the butt, called me on my stuff (many of the lies were to myself at the time), and taught me about "rigorous honesty"
Great post Paula, and a wonderful reminder of the true value of face-to-face Al-Anon meetings
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Playing the victim is something I know all to well. I attended my first al-anon meeting when I was 23. After the meeting I left and didn't return for 3 years. I thought that I was going to have to find the solution on my own because I don't have time to come here once a week and listen to others feel sorry for themselves. I used the fear of living with an alcoholic as a motivator to get out of the situation and I became a wreck. My relationships weren't healthy, my work life wasn't healthy, I wasn't healthy.
Now, I attend up to 3 meetings a week and I am the group rep for my home group! I have spoken at open meetings and local al-anon days and getting this all out in the open has improved my self-esteem.
I still feel like I seek approval and validation from time to time and need to work on becoming my own best friend. But that one day at a time, it'll happen.
HP does work in mysterious ways I have just been to visit the mum of my good childhood friend her son was there and I don't know how but we got talking about victimhood and he said to me 'being a victim is a very egotistical arrogant thing' because it's like saying I can take more than anyone else. He was talking about himself but I thought 'uh oh that 's HP talking to me through him'
I thought of Alanon years back but I also thought it was all about helping him and my resentment and anger kept me out of the rooms. I too have played the victim/martyr for years and I can go back into that way of thinking at times especially where my son is concerned. Great post PP. Thanks.x
The same thing is pretty much true for how I was in entering AA. The gig was up and it was also about me playing victim. When I went, I also knew I was going to have to change....no excuses. It was not once a week either. It was a meeting every day for over a year. Intense.
Thank You Paula That describes how I experienced my participation in alanon as well. The gig was surly up when I finally walked in completely defeated and Al surrendered to this program.
I must add that after a few years I decided that I could do this on my own. I knew the tools, knew the philosophy, so I stopped going to meetings, stopped calling my sponsor and continued to read my ODAT , use the slogans, pray. Without the connection to others who were walking the same road, I became lost again . I returned to face to face meetings and now know I am a "Lifer"
((((PP))))...God that almost sounded like a cyber 5th step...LOL. For me I was "told" to get into service and then dragged there by the women who raised me in Al-Anon. They knew what the consequences would be for me because they knew from experience what service to a meeting did for their own recovery. They didn't do it so that they could have a man around the rooms...there were times they didn't want this man around the rooms. Thank God for a woman's heart...they enabled me to recover. Do service to a home group...often that will get you to at lease 4 meetings a month. In support.
