The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As of yesterday, I have completely moved out of my marital home. I can hardly believe that I did it! I was working full-time, a full-time mom, in school, trying to take care of myself and having to pack up and move. I got the feeling that he never believed I would actually go (maybe I wasn't sure I would, or COULD, either). It's amazing how abuse leaves you feeling like you aren't human and have no worth. When I left, the house was spotless, his things organized, and his remaining furniture in place. I offered love and GRATITUDE to the house, like I had never felt before. However, I am nearly certain that he will complain and fight.
I am giving the house back to my soon-to-be-exAH. It was his prior to marriage and, although it makes far more sense for my daughter and I to be there, I am walking away, not asking for anything out of it either. The protection order is still in place, but will be dissolved in the divorce agreement. We just might be divorced in the next few weeks! This will be a good thing, according to what my HP has continued to reveal to me. However, he has my daughter this weekend, and will have her approximately 35% of the time (10 overnights a month) - while, in the past, he has had her for exactly ONE night without me or anyone else. I was counseled that I need to "educate her on safety" - yes, of course, but she is three years old. Really? Again, my HP is telling me to let go and let God handle this - it is out of my hands in the bigger sense.
Everyone - PLEASE PRAY for my daughter, that she be safe, that she feel loved, that she knows what to do to get help if she needs it. Please pray that I be what I need to be, to take care of myself and my daughter. Please pray that we move forward, in wellness, love, trust, and abundance. Please pray that the truth of my AH's disease(s) be revealed in HP's time. This last week, my daughter wet the bed and was begging me not to send her "for a sleepover" at her grandparent's house with her dad.
I have found, in these last few months, that when I begin to miss my AH, or romanticize our life (and house) together, something happens (i.e. he pushes me/my buttons in the divorce process) and I remember why I am leaving. Though he insists that he hasn't been drinking since the day I left, and does not want to drink, I know how the disease works. He will soon NOT be living at his parents, and have UNsupervised overnights with our daughter.
As for me - I look forward to the legal and financial ties being cut. The emotional ones need some work, but I am curious to see how I will feel (though sad, yes) once we are no longer married. I might feel a bit of freedom. Whatever it is, I want to grab hold of the positive and run toward the light! When I get dragged down, back to the depths of darkness like I experienced in the marriage, I remind myself that I have a lot of life to live, a career ahead, and YES, I will be in my OWN house/home someday - just my daughter and me (and not living with my mother, though this is probably best for now).
Gratitude to you all -
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Prayers for you and your daughter. The only positive spin I can put on it is that when I actually was recovering, my obligations and my family were motivators. This is ONLY AFTER I surrendered to the recovery process and really started working it. So...if he's there, the custody arrangement is something that may actually help him and aid in your daughter having a more functional dad. You stated you know how the disease works. Yes...true. But this is how my recovery worked and only he and his HP have a clue if he's on that track vs. the ongoing active disease one. If he's not on that track yet he might get on it but what is really inspiring is that you are on a great track and it's really good that your daughter a the very least has 1 resilient and strong parent.
Wishing you much peace that you and your child completely deserve!! Congrats and I have to admit I am envious that you are already going to be divorced!! It gives me hope there is an end in sight!!
You again deserve peace, happiness, love and laughter best of all.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hugs and prayers for you KL! You deserve the blessings that HP may have in store for you so hang on to his promises and hold tight to your daughter. Praying for peace for you.
hi, I was in a relationship with many similarities. I relate to your share when I first separated "abuse leaves you feeling like you aren't human and have no worth". That was how I felt. But feeling like this at the time also clouded my view to the power I have when it came to making decisions.
I think that my ex ahs view of me seemed to be a way he treated me so that I would feel unable to move forward and make stands for situations that were for safety and my best interests. Though he probably had no idea that was what his words/behaviours left me feeling.
Over those years, some how, his opinion of me had become my opinion of me.... with some soul searching, and by not focusing on some of the one liners he would use to put me down,I remembered myself before I met him, and the happy, social and independent person I am at heart.
I have been on my own with 3 kids, and I even have a job (which he told me that I would not be able to do.... hahaha it shows his opinion of my was so unclear)
Prayers and hugs to you both. One day at a time.
-- Edited by lightblue2 on Sunday 9th of June 2013 04:45:25 PM
-- Edited by lightblue2 on Sunday 9th of June 2013 04:45:49 PM
Prayers for you and your family....you are taking the right actions. I so understand the worries you have for your daughter...sometimes I wonder why we must let the law put a child in harm's way, then I look to God and know the answers lie outside of my humble opinions.
Prayers for you, KLotus. And for your daughter. You will find ways to keep her safe. And keep good records to show the lawyer and the judge.... in case things don't go according to plan.
Prayers of course (KL) and may I suggest that you consider a bit longer and discuss with your sponsor the issue of keeping the TRO in tact for a while longer? I'm sure that your alcoholic isn't perceiving the divorce as a success in his life and also sure that there will be residual anger and resentment. It is not at all to control him it is to protect you and your child. You will never be alone I experience...I found out that no matter how fast or how long or how far, we never outdistance HP. In support (((((hugs)))))
I am throwing a hug your way, watch, here it comes.. catch it and embrace it!! And I'm sending a big prayer to my Higher Power to buddy up with your Higher Power, so they might exchange a few notes! LOL
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Lots of prayers coming your way KLotus; so many of us have been through the awful experience of ultimately walking away. So difficult, but I admire your strength and courage.
Will keep you and your little daughter in my prayers
