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My son in recovery .. It's been 30 days and he is able to contact me but he has not. Why am I hurting ?? I have do much I have had to deal with while he is I there. I hurt the most because my sons daughters mom will not allow me to see my grand baby and that just kills me. She knows my son is getting help do he won't lose any chances with his daughter but I'm feeling so much pain. Can he be punished if he is in long term rehab while his daughter is only 3 months old by the courts?
It's not a "punishment." His child can be protected depending on his history and his actions. We don't have the whole story here...dunno how erratic, violent, or possibly dangerous he was when using. It's hard to say whether or not the mother has a duty to protect your grandbaby and herself vs. preserve his rights. As time goes by and if he proves himself to not be a habitual and repeated substance abuser and whatever else often goes with that - I think it would be hard for her to get his paternal rights terminated, but again - he could have to go to courts to ensure he has those rights. It is the mother's right usually to move away...start new relationship...whatever (as the main custodian).
I am so sorry that you are in this circumstance. I would try and attend alanon. As a mom, it would seem you are always going to lean towards your son's side of things. However, it might benefit you to think about what he may have put her through. Probably a lot and she probably senses that you enable him and support him so... Not sure what suggestions to give that might actually help but it does seem like building a better relationship with the mother of your grandchild will probably have to occur and that relationship may need to be independent of your son if possible.
I was in a similiar situation when A son's ex ran away with another man - she had full custody of my g'son and refused to let him come visit for fear that A son would '''do unto her what she had done to him" (at the time he was not an A but a hard working dad doing his best to support his GF and the child while she was deep in her cocaine addiction). He went to court to get simple visitation rights and the Judge deemed that it was out of his jurisdiction so son, in frustration, tucked his tail...and went silent. So hubby & I petitioned the court for Grandparents rights - in my state, we could do this without the participation of our son but in the state that she fled to, our rights were contingent on the son's rights and we could not get him to join us in the fight so the courts went against us. We went 7 yrs without any contact with our g'son. We've since been reunited with our g'son and he is of age now so his mom has no say in who he contacts.
You may want to look into grandparent's right's in your state. Separate yourself from your son in this matter - he may not have any rights under the circumstances but G'ma & G'Pa are a different subject. Each state is different but it's worth a look-see.
-- Edited by Path to Serenity on Saturday 8th of June 2013 08:55:37 PM
(((Gaby))) I'm sorry that you're hurting. There could be many reasons that he hasn't contacted you. When my exAH was in recovery that he did not want to be in contact with me- he explained that he was too embarrassed and ashamed and did not want me to see him "like that". I accepted that he wanted the time to gain traction without me watching his struggle.
The same could be said for the Mom's actions- there could be many reasons - and the reasons may be based on fear. I imagine she has a lot that she is trying to sort out herself. This could be an opportunity to get to know each other better and forge a closer relationship.
Children having a relationship with both parents is typically encouraged by our courts. Supervision or other restrictions may be required if safety becomes or is an issue- but keeping children safe is not a punishment.
Are you attending Alanon meetings and working the steps with a sponsor? Read all you can to learn about this disease, the distorted thinking, and how it affects the mind, body, and spirit of the addict and also those around the addict. Working the 12 steps offers hope, perspective, and new coping skills.
Aloha Gaby...I can echo the suggestions of others about finding and getting into the Al-Anon face to face meetings in your area if you are not already doing that...In those rooms is understanding, love and support because you are not alone in what you are going thru. What we go thru in the fellowship both thru the disease and out of it is all so similar...we can relate, talk about it, discuss options and alternative, pass on recovery experiences of what worked for us and speak about and with the power of our Higher Powers in our lives. Just passing on what worked for me and what saved my sanity and life. Keep coming back!! (((((hugs)))))
hi gaby, i know if a child is around an alcoholic parent, it can be considered child abuse and be turned into the state. my AS is now a registered child abuser because his children were exposed to his alcoholism. he never hit or physically abused his children but they were exposed to the disease....the stumbling down drunk, parents yelling at each other, and all of the other craziness that goes with alcoholism... i am grateful that ex daughter-in-law has no problems with me seeing my grandchildren....
