HP expedited my order - Al-Anon Family Group

blondie99 · Veteran Member

HP expedited my order

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I also established "dating rules" and they included no heavy drinkers, absolutely no alcoholics, no drugs, have to respect that I am in AA and always will be, someone loving caring, has good relationship with their parents and family.

For me, being gay, they also had to be out - no closet cases (been there done that...horrid) and their family had to be accepting too (Not putting up with a hateful mother in law type again either). I found it.

P.S. - for the benefit of Slogan Jim: I never cared and do not care if my partner's family has issues. Just that they are not hateful and judging. The current partner's father is an active alcoholic and his mother is pretty dramatic...but what's important is that he has good boundaries with them and wouldn't let them disrespect me. That just wouldn't happen cuz it's not the dynamic....despite how his parents are.

In some ways, the way my partner handles his dad makes me admire him more. I just couldn't tolerate having someone's family members be cruel or nasty to me simply for dating their son or whatever. Been there, done that. I think Blondie was getting more at that. She doesn't want to be the @#$$ mother in law or have to fight with someone's parents as the @#$#$ daughter in law either. Your dad wouldn't do that to you so it's not like it's a volatile family situation. It's stable because you make it so.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 7th of June 2013 02:38:10 PM

blondie99 · Veteran Member

Hello dear MIP family - I hope you all are having a blessed day!

Well, today's the first of my summerlong three-day weekends. It was so nice to get up without the alarm this morning, only waking when the morning sun shined on my face. My little old man dog and I are enjoying a cool morning - all the doors and windows are open and I've got a nice fresh breeze coming through the house. Dishwasher is humming along and clothes are in the washer and out on the line.

I am TRULY blessed. Can't believe I hadn't done this for myself before.

Cripes - hoarding hundreds of hours of vacation time in case something happened with XAH and my other qualifiers was not the smartest thing I've ever done. But I'm learning! :)

So, an interesting development has come up and I could really use your ESH.

I've been using MIP as a journaling tool of sorts, but I also received a beautiful, leather-bound journal from my BFF sister-friend. In that journal, I've been working on visualizing on what I want to manifest in my life. At first, I was afraid to write - after this crazy 10 years, I had NO IDEA what I wanted. So I started with just writing that I'm grateful to HP that I have realized that I have choices in my life and the ability to write about what I want to come into my life. It worked - I've been feeling much more comfortable about writing now.

I have written about what I want my little house to look like, what I want in my career, and what I want financially. Also, I've been writing about what I want my personal life to look like. These are the things I really have been focusing on.

I wrote a little about what I wanted in a future partner, based on criteria given to me by wise counselor. Her first requirement? No more "reclamation projects." LOL

The others were simple enough - someone with a stable family history (mom and dad and siblings). Someone who, if he has children, have no major, serious issues (adolescent and young adult mischief not included). Someone who, if he has an ex, has an amicable, cordial relationship with her. Someone who is successful on their own merits.

The visuals were up to me. I'm not particularly interested in that - I've found that attractiveness comes from the soul and shines out in the eyes and the heart. But I did ask for someone who is tall and lean (I'm pretty tall myself and I like wearing heels). I'm also partial to "blue collar" guys - the ones that get their hands dirty all day but clean up really well. I also kind of like tattoos. So I guess I was visualizing a tall Adam Levine sweating it out at a construction site. I also like a dry, witty sense of humor that is sometimes self-deprecating (humility is good).

I put this out there to the universe and left it, figuring that my HP would put my order into the kitchen of life and that it would show up a little later. Takes a while to cook things up, right?

Wrong. My order has been expedited.

He is a childhood friend who contacted me to reconnect. We used to be playmates in the 4-5th grade. But my, has he grown up well. And is EXACTLY like the order I've placed.

A tall cool drink of water, 6' 5". Lean yet muscular. Pretty blue eyes and a cute little half-grin. Tattoos that are hidden by clothing but kind of peek out from his shirt sleeve. Parents were married and happy until his mother's unexpected death. Three kids he raised on his own after his divorce six years ago. An ex who he is cordial with but who had the same issues with alcoholism, infidelity and other crazy side effects (so he can relate). Owns his own VERY successful construction businesses and hits the streets for client meetings all day, but still gets in the trenches with his guys daily because he loves what he does. Enjoys the outdoors like I do and has lots of fun lake and fishing toys to use at his disposal (I lost our lake house and boat in the divorce).

Ohhhhh booooyyyyyy...

We had dinner last Saturday night and had a lovely time. He took me to dinner again Monday night that ended with a little kiss on the cheek. He's been busy with a huge job so we haven't seen each other in person since Monday, but he's sent me sweet little text messages all week.

I am enjoying it very much and look forward to hanging out with him. But my shortcoming of "the other shoe is dropping" is rearing it's ugly head.

Darn it - I'm still trying to get my own stuff in a pile! But I am also trying to realize that perhaps HP has put me here because he wanted me to see what "normal" dating is like. Like when a guy opens the car door for you and opens the door for you at the restaurant. Someone who is truly interested in what I have to say. Someone, despite my asking to help with the dinner tip, insists with a little grin that is not the way things are done, regardless of how I think things should be.

So I've decided I'm just going to enjoy this handsome distraction and will take it VERY slowly because I am laser-focused on getting my own business done. I've still got painting and house stuff to do, work is crazy busy and I got a little freelance writing job to supplement the finances. I'm still attending F2Fs four times a week and working my fourth step at one of these meetings.

HP and MIP friends, please let me know if I'm keeping my priorities straight.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

blondie99 wrote:

The others were simple enough - someone with a stable family history (mom and dad and siblings).

You are allowed to want what you want and I truly hope you find it one day as we all deserve a partner that makes us happy. However, a person does not get to chose their parents and the fact you would hold this against them shows you still have a lot on control issues. A person does choose whether they seek recovery and just because a family has a history of mental illness/addiction doesn't mean you're being thrown into the chaos that was your alcoholic.
My mother is schizophrenic and my father alcoholic. I am single and want a family of my own one day. The shame of this has held me back in a lot of respects toward my personal relationships and comments like this only re-affirm the reasons I have to be insecure, as it's not the first time I've heard it.
I wanted to share.
Thank You.
Jim

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Blondie, good for you!!!! I really enjoyed reading your post. Full of hope and recovery. Thanks for sharingx

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

A lovely post. Remember that there is an abundance of men out there and there are undoubtedly many more who fit your criteria, as well as many more who are a "sorta fit" who might be wonderful for you too. (Not that you should compromise on rejecting reclamation projects. But I have a tall friend who refused to go out with guys her height or shorter for many years. Finally the most wonderful guy came along -- but he missed the specs for height. They're married now.)

I've always done best when I took things slowly, as you're doing, and remembered that however magically one arrived, there are others waiting to arrive magically and I don't have to compromise any need for emotionally healthy people.

Yay! Enjoy!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds good to me Blondie. This relationship I've been in for going on 3 years now...it is the first time I took time and didn't move in with somone right away. I was also waiting for the other shoe to drop and it never did. I don't think it's wrong for you to be gunshy and wary in some ways but enjoy the moment as well. This may or may not be "the one" but you can certainly have fun finding out right? For me, getting all financially entangled with someone again was something I REALLY was slow about after the nightmare situation I emerged from with the ex-A.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Have fun with all eyes open!

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Very inspiring. Good job! Does this guy have a brother? ;)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm smiling and looking back and remembering the night that I did a knee jerk reaction because of how the wording of the 12th step came across in my new life. I had come to realize and accept that "my only problem was me and my only solution God" My relationships were not so much screwed up by others...they were screwed up because of me and my choices. I had to find away of staying out of relationships until I got myself fixed (my current marriage has gone past the 20 year mark...longer than the 2 marriages before it and certainly longer than most of the "affairs" I had. "Having had an awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs". After learning and working the program my "affairs" went to zero. Program works when you work it. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey it is ok if things are uncomfy sometimes. What is important is are you still friends and are the things you learn acceptable in your life?

Just becuz you are dating does not mean you will fall in love and want to get married. I like it when people focus on being friends first, building that. I don't believe in sex till after marriage.

I do know if that comes up too fast, we lose the opportunity to know the person as a friend. The focus is all mixed up in the hormones. Romance is very nice without jumping in too fast.

Hold back, give the guy a chance to know YOU. Its not going to kill him. I am in relationship where we have not met faced to face and have become besst friends over many years. No one knows me as well as he does. I mess up and get scared, he holds firm. I can be very distrusting of men.He has earned my trust, yet I still will fold up and back up. He just waits for me, then reassures me.

We only share our hearts, souls, minds.

This is my experience. I think about how long it takes for a friendship to develop with another woman friend. I honestly do not relate to hopping into bed with someone I just met. I want that hunger based on a solid foundational want to feel how we both know we want each other not just for the physical, but the deep emotional bond that will develop from it.

I am excited for you. Hope he is a good man. There are still some out there!! love,debilyn

JoyfulPraise · Newbie

slogan_jim wrote:
blondie99 wrote:

The others were simple enough - someone with a stable family history (mom and dad and siblings).

You are allowed to want what you want and I truly hope you find it one day as we all deserve a partner that makes us happy. However, a person does not get to chose their parents and the fact you would hold this against them shows you still have a lot on control issues. A person does choose whether they seek recovery and just because a family has a history of mental illness/addiction doesn't mean you're being thrown into the chaos that was your alcoholic.
My mother is schizophrenic and my father alcoholic. I am single and want a family of my own one day. The shame of this has held me back in a lot of respects toward my personal relationships and comments like this only re-affirm the reasons I have to be insecure, as it's not the first time I've heard it.
I wanted to share.
Thank You.
Jim

So, I believe we're here to share our ESH, not be judged for it :)

I've had other members try to point out what they perceive to be my character defects, and it really just comes down to how God wants to reveal that to me. If someone's pointing a finger, there may be three more pointing back. I know I'm looking for someone with a "stable" family because mine has been so chaotic. I want to marry into a family that practices love, health and serenity, and hope that the person I find is looking for something just like me. However, I leave it in the hands of my HP. God sometimes gives us just what we want to teach us something, so if I'm manifesting something I just ask for "this or something better," and the willingness to let go of what that might look like.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.