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Ohhhh yes .. strikes again .. and I laugh and have tears at the same time .. dang hormones!! Oh well, it is what it is, court is coming fast and furious. Very interesting day today to say the least.
I'm asking for some prayers especially in wisdom and doing the next right thing. It's all very scary at the moment. It's going to be ok. I'm just trying to figure out what is the next best move.
This isn't a surprise and it's sad too. STBAX hasn't seen the kids for almost a month now. Ironically, could have seen them over the past week and almost 1/2 made the decision not to, even texted my daughter and told her the day he would see them as June 7th. Chances are he doesn't remember texting her this which is sad, because SHE remembers and is like ummm .. WTHeck mom. I didn't interfere their relationship; they need to work it out. Personally I suspect it's a way to try and get me to react which I'll handle it all on Monday, which will be .. I won't discuss anything about court with STBAX .. anything to do with the kids is a different story he should NOT be making arrangements with them. I have already told him this I'm not going to waste my breath .. let the atty speak to him. This is the longest in a long time that he's gone without contacting either the kids or myself and there is no doubt in my mind it bothers him that none of us care. It's not that they don't care .. they are only doing what he has taught them to do. THAT is the sad part.
The ironic part of this story is that he actually picked up the phone and called her which he hasn't done in probably a year now. Wants to know if they want to come over and this is at 930am .. she says ummm .. no it's not the 7th. Now if he had called or text me it would have been a different outcome for him, he doesn't want to talk to me because, he's an alcoholic who behaves just like an alcoholic does. There is reality, fantasy going on and they are just crashing into each other and I've got my popcorn out watching the show.
Her question of course is why would he tell us the 7th if he meant the 6th? Do you think he even remembers making that particular text? I told her probably not. Did they want to see their dad tonight of course they could. I never want the kids to feel they can't tell me they want to see him after all 4 weeks is a long time to go without seeing their dad, especially when he's here in town. Nope, ... she said we are having a good time mom and honestly if he can't keep his days straight that is his issue not ours, maybe he should plan better. I just shut my mouth and said ok.
So that is where it stands .. I'm sure with him having his feelings hurt the kids don't want to drop everything and run over to him. Well, it is what it is .. that is on him at this point. The rules don't apply to special snowflakes and boy oh boy .. he's a very pretty special snowflake to think our world revolves around him in the least.
Anyway, lots of prayers please .. there is an opportunity I am praying about and hoping that the way this is all falling into place this is a really good thing for the kids and myself. I'm hoping to be divorced before July actually and have my life back. So excited to think of the next new adventure that is waiting for the 3 of us!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
LOL .. Pink .. I'm referring to HIM not to me!! He's a special snowflake the rules NEVER apply to him. I don't think I'm special or that this just happens to me .. it's a term that is used around the internet for people who the rules just don't apply. Right now I'm in the middle of having a large tax return divided and I'm not happy about the division because he's not being required to pay a LOT of things I've had to pay. Things like child care when I was working, the kids school tuition, instrument rental and the list goes on .. the issue is that once this money is gone it's going to be a fight to get any of it. Pretty much he'll have garnishments until he's 70 and the frustration stems from the fact I've already paid the money out. He makes 3x the amount of money I have made recently and it's sad and frustrating for me to watch a parent just duck their basic responsibilities because they are mad at the other party. They don't consider the kids and so on. So yes, .. I am focused on him at the moment from the sheer terms of the level of my frustration with a situation that I am totally powerless over and it's not even the alcoholism. So special snowflakes don't even have to be alcoholic, they just don't believe basic rules apply to them and they take no responsibility for any given situation. I figure I will be in court at min of once a year over the next 10 years just having the courts insure that he does what he should be doing for as long as he has a job which may not be for very long.
Hugs P :)
-- Edited by Pushka on Friday 7th of June 2013 04:25:33 PM
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can remember trying to make my A pay support, etc. I got more and more frustrated with him - even put myself into harm's way by going to his apartment to get money where I was abused AGAIN. My Mom drew me aside one day and said: "Is it really worth it to you to try to make him act like an adult when he is acting like a teenager for that $25 a week you want to get? Why not look for another way to supplement your income because you're never going to get what's right from him. He isn't capable of giving it." All the frustration in me melted. I knew my Mom had spoken truth. I had to work three jobs for awhile to put food on the table, but that amount of stress was nothing compared to the stress I put myself through trying to make a kid in an adult suit grow up. Within a few years, I was making more than him. A few more years I was making double what he made. I made sure the courts handled all the money and filled out whatever papers necessary to ensure that they followed him around, but I quit wanting him to be the man I wanted him to be. And I had to accept him for the sick person that he was. I started putting a new life for myself together in ways I couldn't when I was focused on him and what I wanted him to do and how I wanted him to be. As long as I went after him for the money and to pay attention to his kids, I became increasingly frustrated, depressed and even despairing. When I heeded my Mom's wisdom, things got better inside me. You will pursue what you think is best for your children, but I do agree with Pink - fighting this battle for years to come can (and in my case did) wreak havoc on your serenity and it can also rob you of some joy.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 7th of June 2013 08:01:06 PM
Do you think using Debilyn's "Have you tried the mangos at Safeco?" would be self-defeating? Oh, never mind. I guess you'd still be responding to him. Grin. (I loved that line of hers so much, I want to use it everywhere! Everywhere!)
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 7th of June 2013 09:55:31 PM
I try to not take what I learn in AA and apply it to other drunks but yet i still do it all the time also. It's important that YOU know you are not terminally unique or a "pretty special snowflake" that the world revolves around. Careful not to pick up things in AA/alanon that will just make you more annoyed and judging of STBAX. You will hear so much "When I was drinking, I used to think ....." and your reaction may be "OMG! STBAX is just like that!!!" You are going to these meetings for you and not to figure him out. You know everything you need to know about him it sound like. I'm still hearing you focusing a lot on how messed up he is as if this is a surpise to you. A messy divorce will do that though. You are strong and detachment will sink in over time when the divorce is final. You won't feel like torching his truck in another year and you will give two craps what goes through his head or how distorted his alcoholic thinking is.
I knew you were referring to him. That "special snowflake" and "terminal uniqueness" concept is something I have only heard in AA. I was probably being presumptuous thinking you heard it there too as I know you go to some open AA meetings. I know you are getting a pretty in depth understanding of how active alcoholic thinking goes. You are protraying it pretty well here in how you describe the STBAX. My point was that if learning these things and applying them to him makes you angry and more frustrated with him, how does it help? It must be hard to hear all that stuff and keep the focus on you.
You say you are not even talking so much about alcoholism but his irresponsibility and thinking rules don't apply to him... Those ARE alcoholic behaviors, thoughts, and actions. He is acting just like an alcoholic acts...self-centered and selfish. I know you have heard lots of times to not go to a hardware store to buy bread. This doesn't mean to not do everything you can to try and ensure financial well being for your kids...But again, he's a sick alcoholic right? There's no easy answers. I don't know what I would do if I were you. It does concern me that you are putting a lot off energy into getting him to do what is "right and fair" and he's fundamentally incapable of that right now.
I don't know the answers at all. I just know that it's frustrating trying to get a drunk to do the right thing (even through the courts) and it will take a toll on your serenity if you aren't careful. Keep taking care of you as best you can. I don't know if you will have to come up with a financial plan that doesn't involve him but if fighting this battle for years to come reeks havoc on your serenity...I dunno.
At this point I feel like it's important enough for the courts to do what the courts do .. as slowly as it works, .. it does eventually work. He's slipped into a whole other mode of crazy at the moment and I have NO idea what he's talking about now. I'm concerned as this weekend he has the kids and hasn't even had them for 3 hours and he's texting me about the court case which he has been instructed NOT to do.
What I may wind up doing is borrowing some money and taking out an order of protection. I will have to have money up front at least though it will buy me some peace of mind.
I agree about my own peace of mind and what am I willing to fight for and what am I willing to throw out; I guess right now .. it's that whole this situation's completely unfair and I'm having a bit of a tantrum about it. Someone said to me recently .. the courts can't make him be a good dad; they will slowly hold him accountable for his responsibilities .. it's going to be a very very slow go.
At the moment he's accusing me of lying .. which is absolutely hysterical (considering the millions of lies he's told and continues to tell) and he's dragging another person into it which is going to wind up getting him into trouble at work. I'm not responding .. I have to say it's REALLY hard NOT to respond to him. What he doesn't know is I know his atty is out of town and has been. Soooo Monday is going to be interesting to say the least.
Anyway, it's all going to workout .. I'm just frustrated and trying to muddle through without getting in my own way. Better to bring it here than take it to him .. lol .. he's lost his mind and he is doing exactly what pigeons do which I don't mind what pigeons do .. I might what drunks do when they are not of rational sound minds.
Hugs P :)
PS - Pink no I actually hadn't heard that before however I'm going to talk to an AA friend about that one and listen for a bit. Thanks for the insight as always. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know exactly what you're meaning by the it's REALLY hard NOT to respond to him. I am almost 65 years old AND still struggle with that one. Disengaging/not engaging - ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how I hate practicing that lesson! I'm getting better and I still want to say my piece - even when I know its going nowhere productive. Love your sense of humor. Hope all goes even better than we can imagine next week for you and yours.
