"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

ntxalanon · Veteran Member

AW asked me to not drink

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, this is a simple one.... I didn't drink in front of my AW - period. Like you, I had no alcohol in the house, and found it very easy to "support" her by not drinking at all in her presence...

Regards

Tom

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I too did not drink in front of my husband. It was easy and I do not regret it.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

It is all about choices.... I choose not to drink. I don't drink because I have seen the terrible problems it causes and it has had a huge impact on my thinking and actions. I also believe that drinking in front of my spouse makes it harder for him. I don't make a big deal out of it and nobody ever hassles me about not drinking socially. But that is just me....

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I quit drinking any alcohol 4 years ago because of the effects it had on my son. But I wasn't asked to quit....just my choice.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't drink or have alcohol in the house either. I make that choice out of respect for the disease, triggers and the fact that I have a teenage grandson in and out of my house. Don't know if he has the disease or not. Just don't want to keep alcohol in the house to help avoid trouble for myself and temptation for those new to recovery. But, that's me.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

As usual I am the square peg! I don't believe the A has any more right to tell me not to drink, than I have them. We learn to control ourselves. As far as I am concerned it is part of ones personal program of recovery to be able to not allow what anyone else does influence them.

I don't cuss, I dislike hearing it but would never ask anyonere else not to. If they chose to not do so in front of me great. But does not matter as I hear it everywhere.

I am a vegan.But I will still cook meat for my husband. (when I have one)(c:

We do not have to walk on eggshells or change our lives and choices for anyone unless we choose to. As far as it being in the house, it

would not bother me to have an extra little fridge outside in the barn or whatever. Maybe lock it. I agree that seeing it in a cubboard, and or fridge, it may be kinder to not do so.

At dinner, watching a ball game or whatever, totally up to the person, A r not.

They are basically allegic to alcohol. If they were allergic to gas fumes I would still keep a gas an full around.

A's have to figure this stuff out for themselves. If they get into a program, then they choose not to drink that day. Not, well unless I see beer in the fridge , or he drinks at dinner, or people will drink at the ball game etc.

I don't ever drink, just don't see why. Don't even like it except super expensive champayne...can't afford that!

To Thine Own Self be True, I follow this. hugs and never hold back asking anything!

ParisMemories · Senior Member

The choice is a personal one for everyone. For me, I decided not to drink after things got very bad with my AH. For many years we were drinking buddies. We always enjoyed a nice glass of wine together.

As his drinking progressed, I found myself trying to "keep up" with him, and I did not like the results. Feeling sick, fat, headaches.... I haven't had a drink in his presence in over 6 months. For me, it is a way for me to support his efforts, and reduce the temptation for him. (And a nice unexpected result is the weight I've lost) Yes, it is ultimately his choice, but I do care about him and it's a simple way for me to be supportive. If not drinking in front of him will help, its an easy sacrifice for me to make.

BTW - he never asked me to stop, in fact, just this week, he saw me drinking a glass of lemonade while I was cooking dinner. He thought it was a glass of wine, and even said, "good for you, I'm glad you can enjoy that" in a nice way. He was feeling badly that I gave up something I enjoyed for him, but it's really not a big deal for me.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical. It isn't Kool Aid, or soda, or milk, or water or even a beverage. It doesn't quench thirst in fact it creates more thirst. It is a chemical depressant, a anesthetic and so powerful a mix that it doesn't need to get thru the stomach to get to the brain...It can transit thru the blood brain barrier all by itself and makes itself at home in the Central Nervous System immediately. I had lots of experience with that being true from my family or origin, my own drinking experiences and my relationships with others. For me it is the most powerful chemical on the face of this earth and "a poison" Interesting that the term "intoxification" means under the influence of a poison...not splitting hairs here I went to college to study the chemical and it's us, abuse and addiction...I found out about me and my alcoholic/addict wife and my families and all sorts of other really important and rational information. I learned about alcoholism which predates the life of the Christ by 3000 or more years. From that information I came to the conclusion that as a creation we have been altering ourselves for a very long long time. Because of my interest in my family of orgin I focused my studies on the genetics of the disease and have never gone back to drinking at all. I was poisoning myself, addicted to poisoning myself, am a chemically tolerant human being who usually overdoes on mind and mood and physical altering chemical and had 3 toxic shocks (overdoses) with alcoholc without any warning that it was happening. The thing in your post that interested me was your use of the word guilt...to me that always indicates an emotional consequence of thinking I have done something inappropriate. If you have no problem with alcohol and the use of it why guilt? If you are thinking that you are being disloyal to your wife and her attempts at staying alive then maybe kinda sorta. As a recoverying alcoholic myself (and a member of Al-Anon) there is absolutely nothing out there now that can justify my ever taking another drink and putting my life in jeapordy again. To top that, I also no longer have yellowish/green skin color anymore....go figure. Great thread and responses. ((((hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 6th of June 2013 10:24:22 PM

Rose50 · Senior Member

I used to have wine with dinner or an occasional drink with friends but have quit alcohol after all the problems with my son. I just don't enjoy it anymore and really don't miss it. I have witnessed first hand all the damage it can cause.

BlueCloud · Senior Member

I do not drink. Never really have. As I have gotten older, my one drink a year, has gone to zero drinks ever. My girlfriend, who has 24 years sober, says that if I were to start to drink, it would be a deal breaker for her. When I've asked why, she explains that she is not able to tolerate the smell or the taste, even second-hand, which she would experience because we're in an intimate relationship. For instance, she couldn't tolerate it, if she leaned against me and she smelled alcohol or she kissed me and she tasted alcohol. She is able to be around others who drink because she is not close to them in the same way. In fact, she got sober while living in a house where there was ALWAYS alcohol and stayed 100% sober. However, it's the intimacy + drink that she can not tolerate.

I think it is hard for me, as the none-drinker, to really appreciate how much of an obsession it can be for the A. My girlfriend works a very solid program, goes to meetings regularly, etc. and has over two-decades solid sobriety and still wouldn't be able to be around me if I drank. That tells me a lot about how powerful the illness is. I choose to respect my girlfriend's feelings and to trust that she is telling me the truth about what she can and can't handle. I don't see it as her telling me what to do; I see it as her being clear about her boundaries and because I want to be in a relationship with her, I choose to respect them.

The truth is, I can see several instances where I would feel the same way. For example, people have the right to smoke. However, I know for me, I do not want to be in a close relationship with a smoker. I don't want to smell or taste smoke. It would not be enough for me if they just smoked outside. I don't want to be around it, period. Now, it's a free country and a free world so they are welcome to smoke, but I would not be involved in an intimate relationship with that person.

I can't say in your situation--is she telling you what to do OR is she perhaps just asking you to respect her feelings and how hard it is for her. Ultimately, her sobriety is her responsibility. We didn't cause, can't cure, can't control their drinking. But there is a fourth "c" that we use in my Alanon meetings: "We can contribute to it". I choose not to do anything no matter how small or seemingly innocent that I think will contribute to it.

BlueCloud

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

It is very true that the A is going to drink or not drink and it has absolutely nothing to do with us. We are not responsible for their choices.

I'm personally on the fence about it. Alcoholism is a very serious addiction and from what I've heard described from recovering A's is that in early recovery, their bodies will be screaming at them for alcohol. This isn't an addiction to candy bars or something less potent. There's some extremely serious physical reactions that go on - alcoholics can even smell alcohol on another person very easily. I'm not sure I would want to knowingly put a recovering alcoholic through those uncomfortable physical reactions if I have a choice.

However - they ARE responsible for themselves, and hopefully if they're working a good recovery program, they will have tools available to them that the utilize to not drink. The thing is... recovering A's really do need to learn how to be around other people drinking. Maybe their spouses will not drink in their presence to be supportive, but it doesn't mean their co-workers and friends are going to stop drinking to make the A's life easier. I mean, in that context, the A should just stay the heck out of restaurants, parties, shopping centers, etc. etc. because eventually they're going to run across alcohol. It is everywhere. They cannot realistically expect alcohol to just disappear from their presence entirely because they're trying to not drink.

This is a personal decision for you alone.

I do try to ask myself how I would like to be treated... is having a drink in front of my spouse THAT important? If alcohol isn't that big of a deal to me, it's pretty dang easy to not have it at all or to just make a conscious decision to no do it in front of my loved one, at least.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I do not drink around my A's at all, mostly because I have seen the damage done to so many people it doesn't call to me anymore. I know it is personal choice, but after I went 7 years without drinking to try to keep my exAH sober to no avail I figured what was to gain, if I wasn't missing it at all. He had told me it helped when I stopped having an occassional drink with him. I have never seen anyone look or act especially smarter, cooler or more impressive under the influence of alcohol. Working one of my jobs I see plenty of drunk people and at this point I am just repulsed of where it has taken so many people. I see their battle and figure I want to be a role model for my kids that they can see atleast one of their parents living sober. I know people who drink and have a partner who doesn't after years of heavy drinking, I am just very much over it!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Count me as one of the ones who do drink..... I can drink without bad things happening to me. I can take it or leave it..... but I would never let someone tell me I can't any more than I would tell them that they can't. Having boundaries about these things is all about what you would do, not about what you would make someone else do. I am not in control of him, and likewise, he is not in control of me.

Ms S · Veteran Member

I am a very moderate drinker, always was
being with my active A I started to drink keeping up with him!
when he stopped drinking for a year I did too
then he drank again and I felt like a fool that my example (lol) was making no difference

I struggled a bit to try to find the balance, which for me is crucial - that I will be able to make the ethical choice FOR ME not in a reactive or coersive way toward him.

now I dont buy him alcohol and I dont drink with or around him. he drinks however.
I will drink occasionally if I want to out of the home when I'm not with him and I feel like it

This for me is getting that balance of making my own choices without contributing to or coercing his alcoholism

blondie99 · Veteran Member

When my XAH and I were still married, I did the same thing that others posted...I tried to keep up with him but he could certainly drink me under the table. When he was working on his recovery, I did not drink and kept no alcohol in the house - I also had a policy that if we had a party or a BBQ or something at the house that alcohol wasn't allowed. Most everyone understood (except those other A's that were in our lives, who insisted on having a six-pack in the car and they would go out there and drink. Cripes.)

We are no longer married, and I find it's nice to have a couple beers in the fridge to perhaps enjoy with dinner. But they mostly sit in the fridge for months. Since the divorce proceedings in February, I've had the same bottle of white wine and six pack of beer in the fridge, untouched. I don't purchase nor keep large amounts of alcohol - I've seen what it does to people so it's just a turn-off to me. Plus, I've lost 30+ pounds and sure feel better in the morning when I wake up - unlike when I tried to keep up with XAH.

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

I am a recovering A & addict and have been clean & sober for 23+yrs...lots of recovery under my belt but when I see my A son drinking or smell it on him, I spend a lot of time thinking about drinking. I feel very threatened by the disease. It certainly is not his fault as my sobriety is totally my own responsibility. That said, it does bring up a lot of anger and resentment toward him for bringing the situation into my home - he was there for me 100% when I went to rehab all those yrs ago and I feel that he has absolutely no respect for me or my struggles at this point in time... If/when I smell alcohol on him, I leave the room. I am working on my anger & resentment toward him but it's hard. ..just my thoughts FWIW.

Path

lgnutah · Senior Member

I think it would make it hard for an addict or alcoholic to have alcohol or drugs sitting in cupboards, drawers or in the fridge or someone in the household regularly using or imbibing. I'm not saying we have a requirement to not use in front of the person, it just seems considerate.

Ms S · Veteran Member

One thing I do that helps me feel I am not depriving myself (especially when the A is still drinking at home) is to buy and have in non alcoholic beers for me. (A can have them too but prefers his with intoxicants of course)

This way I can have something different from a cup of tea, water or soft drink that isn't alcoholic (well might be a tiny %) without feeling I am cornered into not drinking when the A is (that shows my skewed thinking!)

works for me anyway

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Ms S. not to split hairs .. "non alcoholic" beer is not non alcoholic. It has a certain percentage of actual alcohol in it. It's like saying if I drink Listerine and I listened to an RA speak who did this .. I'm not really drinking alcohol, it still gave them a high and it still caused a great amount of damage.

The RA's I've met and spoken with have all said that is just another path back down to actual drinking.

I've just never heard a story end well that stated an RA was drinking non alcoholic whatever, unless it was truly a non alcoholic beverage, ie water, milk, soda, and so on.

Again not trying to step on toes just don't want anyone thinking that non alcoholic beer is really a non alcoholic beverage.

Hugs and much respect, P :)

Ms S · Veteran Member

Pushka - that' s a fair point and I think an important one on this board smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"