threats from the Alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

giraffe13 · Senior Member

threats from the Alcoholic

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

A's manipulate. Sometimes they don't even realize they are doing it. The crying, manipulation. This person is abusive. What do you need that in your life for?

One does not have to meet with him or talk to him every again if one chooses not to. Phone numbers can be blocked.

You sound like you have your own place. What I see is, and I can do this too, you give him the power you choose to. Look at your own power. If you are proactive in making yourself safe, he cannot do anything to you. He is a sick A, you are not. You deserve to love the you, that you are.

Going to meetings is great, therapy too. Are you reading books that will help you? There are tons of good self esteem books. I find almost new or new ones at Goodwill!

We gain confidence by doing things and accomplishing things. We need to see what we can do. I set goals, try new things. Find out how cool you are. NO one will put up with any bolony when they really love the self HP gave them.

Keep coming! You sound great and I see you climbing out of the pit he has dragged you in. Progress is a precious thing! LOVE!!

-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 6th of June 2013 03:16:13 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know that I would use the word "threat" but I do see it as a bunch of manipulation. Unfortunately, he perceives your detachment as manipulation even though you are doing it for your sanity. It sounds like he is trying to get revenge on you for detaching.

I've been where you are in this relationship. It gets so tiresome and old and you just start thinking "Why is this relationship so agonizing and so much work?" Love does not have to be so complicated and difficult, but it is when you are really trying to make it work with a sick addict/alcoholic.

You mention detaching from him almost completely and accepting in your mind (in other posts) that you don't have a future. I'm curious cuz you make him sound like an annoying rash that is like 90 percent gone but that you want to keep the last 10 percent for some reason. You perceive him saying "I want to break up" or "Let's take a break" as a threat but the way you talk otherwise, I would think you'd be like "Thank God! Okay!!! Break starts now! Bye!!" A threat is something that has power to harm you. What about this is harming you? Sounds like his ordinary behavior and trying to be in a relationship with him harms you more.

No matter what, trust your HP. Try not to hinge your sanity on what your A does or doesn't do. You have detached in so many ways. But mentally, it sounds like you are giving him a lot of power if you perceive threats when its really just manipulative BS games that an alcoholic plays. It also seems like you are detaching in words and deed, and then he obviously has a reaction because you make it clear - though in your mind, you are not detached and he continues to have power over you. He probably senses that too - which is why you get the jabs, crying, remorse and other games.

So...in sum, it seems that the vibe you are putting out is "I can't stand you but I dont want to live without you." It sounds like he is really sick, but not dumb so he is latching on to the "don't want to live without you part" and he is going to manipulate that by tossing around the idea of breaking up. That way he can get you to go back on your boundaries.

Not saying you should break up at all but I do think at some point you will grow into "I can't stand your behaviors and I am also not caring whether I'm with you or not." Sounds like you are really scared to lose him (or the relationship) still at this moment.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I want to point out a few things. First, I know what this is like and it is very hard. It sounds like you are letting him call the shots. A couple of things:

-you don't have to meet with him or talk with him until you are ready

-when you are ready, you don't have to talk face to face..addicts use this contact to cast their spells. You can be more in charge with a phone conversation/hang up when you are done listening/speaking

-you are worth caring for...his behavior is sick sick sick..addicts/alcoholics can be vampires..do you want to be his food? It sounds like you don't any food left over for you...I see you exhausted and weary and he knows it.

Take good care of you and he can try to manipulate his HP..let him have at it!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I see the changing emotions, bouncing from happy, to "threatening", to I love you, and so on, as the A looking for whatever tactic will help them win the fight and get their way. He wants a normal relationship, problem is, his idea of a normal relationship and your idea of a normal relationship are very different. My ex-AH accuses me to throwing away a good marriage - it was good for him, maybe, but it was miserable for me and he would never acknowledge he was less than wonderful to live with.

giraffe13 · Senior Member

I just first want to send you all a big ((hug.)) i don't think I have ever received such warmth and friendship online from a forum? ever? It is better than people I know in real life.! :D what a blessing.

I went out tonight w/ my girlfriend and some people, and on the walk home I cried. It is really hard to find someone whom you share truly great moments with, enjoy even the simplest things, and really connect intellectually. I was mad at him on the way home tonight, because we have that rare connection but his addiction makes a future impossible because it murders the rest. He is dual natured of course and the other side is extremely mentally taunting and abusive as you read. When I am with him it feels like I am having the fun I would have with my best friend, except he is a male, and I can also date him. And he is extremely loving and does have a sensitive heart. That is the sweet and simple side but I have been working hard on my mind to let go of that feeling b/c I am accepting that as long as he is an Active drinker, the abuse will be so much it will ruin me in the long run and not be worth it. that is work though, mentally. my heart hurts tonight as I try to move forward.

I have not broken up with him for these reasons, I am just more or less mourning a loss. I feel strange and very sad. Today I did call him about some work things, and he said he feels like he is my employee. (so over the top.) I was nice, and said what did you want to talk about? He told me, "I just feel like you are doing your own thing and I am not in a relationship anymore. I mean, you are off doing your thing, I'm not aloud to see you, call you, and I just feel like you are out meeting people and are going to have another boyfriend or call me and say you just feel like you don't want to do this anymore and I just want to deal with this before that happens. " Something to that effect, it was a long ramble of a mess! I said, " ok so what are you thinking .. you wanna take a break?...maybe you have things you want me to listen to..thats okay i can listen. " I was very nice. He told me that everytime he tries to talk to me, I take over and he can't speak. I just apologized kindly and said, oh im sorry that must be hard. I can listen if you need that.

He said: " no no im not being rude, I just want to be able to communicate and not get overwhelmed and confused like i do sometimes. Right now is not a good time to talk. I need to think about how I feel about everything going on and organize my thoughts so I can communicate them properly. " There was a bit of a guilt trip after that when I was nice and went to end the phone call.. I really thank this program for the strength to help me maneuver these things, remain calm, and trust my instinct. I went to another f2f meeting today, and bought courage to change.

I am working on detachment as much as possible and have made so much progress!!! I realize whatever he does or doesnt do - I must be removed.

PINKCHIP: You are right . my gut was telling me this, but since I just read it, I know it now. Guess I needed validation. And I want to live without him, but I am not sure right now, I just feel sad, and too beat up to go near him, and am just sitting. I guess that leaves him manipulating his higher power, while I have been praying to mine for guidance and wisdom. He has thrown in my face a few times well maybe we should break up! but never during a dry spell when I wont see him really. Usually he is needy and writes me all sorts of love things, his heart is tortured. I realized 1 thing today: whether he is " heart broken every time in the past from missing me and this time he isnt, it doesnt matter. that was all manipulation, and this is just another form of it. The other is just sweeter looking. A wolf in sheeps clothing. That message came from my HP. Straight into my brain. After that phone call today I didnt hear from him. He is pushing back on me. But I keep praying, and I know God will guide me to the right thing.

Thanks all. much love.

-- Edited by giraffe13 on Thursday 6th of June 2013 11:58:20 PM

-- Edited by giraffe13 on Friday 7th of June 2013 12:01:46 AM

-- Edited by giraffe13 on Friday 7th of June 2013 12:03:58 AM

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Pinkchip's observations, but I will say that when I was married to my exAH, he continually threatened our marriage. (That's how I read your saying you feel threatened - that he's threatening your relationship). Before Al-Anon, this would set me in a panic. I wasn't ready to leave - I didn't want to be alone - I didn't want him to leave me. No, please, no!

Eventually I got into the rooms of Al-Anon and learned that A's are master manipulators. They will poke and prod at you until they find those hot buttons that they use in the future to manipulate and get their way. And they almost always NEVER follow through with said threats - or if they do, they're very quick to come back and beg forgiveness.

So, one day, when my exAH was trying to get his way in a disagreement and said to me "Well, I don't know if this is going to work any more. Maybe we need to get divorced." I told him "Well, if that's how you feel, then I guess that's what we should probably do."

He was floored. He was NOT expecting that response. And he NEVER threatened our marriage again.

I say it many times on this message board, but when divorce finally happened between us, it was because I told him I wanted it, and I meant it.

I do agree, though - you sound like you're really just done with the guy, so you might want to ask yourself why you feel anxious about his possibly ending your relationship?

giraffe13 · Senior Member

Just saw this and thought it was nice to share.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You sound much more at ease..keep up the great recovery work. Thank you for the update.

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