Having a hard time with acceptance - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Having a hard time with acceptance

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Hi everyone,

My name is Slogan_Jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.

It's said that we are exactly where we are meant to be. I am having a hard time accepting that right now. I am having a difficult time seeing where my HP is taking me. I am just not seeing it. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. As a previous poster mentioned I am stuck. What comes next?

I had grand visions of what my life would be like at this point. After I write that, one can argue that I am halfway there. I do like my current life and don't want it changed.

What prompted this was the fact that I saw a television show here in Canada called 'Till debt do us part'. The premise sees a professional debt councillor going into people's homes and fixing their debt problems. They reveal the salaries of the participants and both were my age earning almost 20k more than I do currently, doing jobs that I never presumed would command that type of salary. It was a wake-up call that I'm maybe not as fantastic as I think I am. It felt like a kick to the gut. I feel like I went trough all that school and all that hard work only to turn out average.

Growing up with a single alcoholic father gave me a giant sense and wanting to prove something. That I wasn't a failure. I wasn't average. That I am just as deserving and worthy of success as you are and most of your 'success' isn't yours but your family's, given the neighbourhood I was in.

It's hard to get over bitterness when it seems like just around the corner is another reminder of how much you suck. hmm

This is how I feel right now.

Thank You for listening.

Keep coming back.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I could get a job as a clinical director of a rehab and make less money than the kids with no college degree that are good at selling and booking people into those rehabs. They make up to 80k a year cuz sales is where the money is. Meanwhile, social work and teaching jobs which require enormous amounts of education are greatly underpaid. Oh well....it just is. You mentioned those folks were on a DEBT SHOW...well, that is cuz people without the school and hard work who make lots of money are prone to crash and burn big time.

Slow and steady wins the race. Also, developments in your career, personal life, and spiritual life can change pretty rapidly. Yeah, it does take years, but years of work in alanon/12 steps can tranlate as follows:

5 years ago I was about to lose my job, detoxing from being a daily drinker, had just crashed my car in a drunken accident, was ending my 7 year relationship with another alcoholic, was an emotional trainwreck and had to have my parents come help me get back on my feet again. With consistent work in AA and the 12 steps - New relationship that is wonderful (after a couple years with no serious relationship), new job, lost 50 pounds, quit smoking, make lots more money. It didn't happen in 1 year or 2 or 3... It's been 5 and it's not capped. My mindshift changed largely. I'm ambitious now and go after what I want (trying not to do so in a willful way but with HPs help to empower me). I'm not a victim and I made myself suffer for no good reason for years and years... I did that all the way up to age 36. So...my point is: My life at 36 was NOTHING like my life is now at 41. God stepped in and it's radically different. I am radically different. 5 years is a long time, but then again...it's not that long. You are still in your 20s I believe. So much can change with concerted effort and willingness. Your live can and will be beyond your wildest dreams.

We read these in every AA meeting - Not sure if it's the same in Alanon but its should be because working the steps results in this:

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development,
1. We will be amazed before we are half way through.
2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves (spiritual awakening).

Keep the faith. Believe in your HP and believe in yourself.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

It may not appear as such, but your conflict is so rich and worth a good "think" for many years to come...and pinkchips share was delicious. I heard the other day something that made sense to me as I reflected on my own similar struggles throughout the years. "The ego drives us and God draws us"...so reflect on where your HP is drawing you? Happy searching

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thanks Pinkchip, and everyone for that matter.

This is a time for reflection. I'm going to do an inventory here on where I was in June 2008 (5 years ago)

-Living with my alcoholic father.
-Working as a collections representative because I didn't think I deserved better.
-Tried al-anon once and left.
-Was making 20k less than what I am making now.
-Was on medication for depression.

June 2013
-Went back to school (2009), with the help of my HP, now working in a technical career I enjoy, in my field.
-Had a hard time finding a job so took something not in my field and was promoted quickly.
-Able to move out on my own.
-Off meds, havn't needed them since.
-Discovered al-anon, have become a group rep, spoken and told my story in front of conferences of up to 90 people. Have become active in service work.
-Have money in the bank.

Wow. That is progress in the last 5 years. One of the key things about that is that I didn't give up and left it to my higher power. He's put me in the exact spot I've needed to be and given me what I've needed to achieve my goals.

I guess it's my impatience kicking in. The lord will give me what and whom I need when I need them.

Thanks.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jim

I find that a Daily Gratitude and Asset list keeps me from falling into the "Compare and Despair" mode that I learned so very long ago.

I also find that giving myself and others permission to be human and attempting to "identify with others and not compare I stay "right sized". The big benefit of this is that I feel like an an equal--- I no longer feel less than or more than.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Um ok I sure do not see where money has anything to do with success or showing my worth as a person!

Jesus had no money, nor Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Diane Fossey, Captain Kangaroo, my Mother, gpa and gma. My view of success is do they have joy? Are they loyal? Are they giving? Truthful, honorable do they see this beautiful earth? the miracles? Would they never walk by someone or something suffering?

I do not like Donald Trump, or Tom Cruise or that playboy mansion guy. ick ick ick. Money is the root of all evil, the Bible even says a rich person will have a hard time being blessed with eternal life.

I invite you to look at YOU. Your heart, desires, goals, are you a good person in your eyes? If you knew how much I live on, and you judged me by that, I would be the lowest, most unsuccessful person on earth. I went to college for five years! I learned more about life, and me, and people, than academics! I am richer for that! I am rich because I have HP"s love, I am pretty healthy for being 60, richer becuz of people who love me, animals who adore me. A soft down bed, a home, my animals, respect.

Hope you can find what your worth is when based on you as a person. Not paper and metal. Priorties, what are you priorities?

I would rather have new gravel on my driveway and two tons of hay in my barn than a huge diamond ring. Please do not tell my manfriend that. haha

hugs and I am so proud of you for sharing this. I am sure it is a tender thing! Debilyn

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I do like my current life and don't want it changed.
--------------------------------------------
When I met my hubby and his family...... alcoholic father, mom who just wanted peace, 4 brothers, 1 sister....... I said to him that I had never met a more competitive family. I did not grow up in alcoholism and I never saw that competition with siblings.... and I even saw the competition between father and sons. Along with that came the jealousy when someone else had something else that was considered "better".

In my family we had a drive to succeed but on our own terms and not walking up the backs of others and stomping them down so that we would be higher. I see the intense competitiveness as another symptom of the disease of alcoholism.

You say you like your current life. I would suggest a gratitude list. Why would you want to compare yourself with anyone else? You are unique. You are the only you there is on this earth. This world is made of lots of people. We are all special.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Slogan,

You have to consider the source, It was a TV commercial, its media and its a lie. All media is a lie, set up to target us and make us feel if we dont have the latest tech equipment, or the latest make up, or the latest anything we just don't measure up.

Truth is we cannot compare ourselves to others. Deblyn is so right on when she says money does not measure success, we only need money to meet our needs and a little more to have some leisure time and fun. I think we only need to look at high profile people with loads of money to know they are not the happiest people and have the same problems as the next person.

Appreciation for our lives is the best thing we can do for ourself.

Keep coming back.

Bettina

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.