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Thank you for the replies so far. I must add that my husband, myself, and others saw bro-in-law fully intoxicated that afternoon (although bro-in-law claims he was overheated). Although I did not see him consume the alcohol myself, my husband witnessed it once earlier that same weekend. Therefore, we have more than hearsay, but I cannot determine whether to hold on to it and butt out, as previous posts have said, or inform my sister. She is just as sick with enabling, denial, fixing, controlling, etc after decades of her husband's messes. Sis and I are very close and I think she would want to know, but she also hides a lot of his drinking issues from our family. Luckily there are no minor children in the household.
-- Edited by Concerned Little Sister on Wednesday 5th of June 2013 06:54:27 PM
Returned from family vacation in Mexico 1.5 weeks ago where bro-in-law binged. He adamantly denies it to this day and my sister is almost believing him. I have proof he drank from the hotel manager. He claims to have quit 1.5 years ago after a DUI. Do I withhold this information because nothing will change anyway, or tell my sister the truth? He also participated in very high-risk behavior during the binge such as spending their last bit of vacation money, swimming, and driving very fast on dangerous dirt roads. Please help as this is eating me up inside. I cannot physically get to an alanon meeting this week, so I really appreciate this forum!
I've found it's best that I stay out of it if it's not my direct relationship.
If your sister is married to a drinker, you can rest assured she already has her own suspicions. If she's going to act on those suspicions, that's her decision, however, not yours.
By playing the role of informer, you just put yourself in harm's way... I can guarantee someone's going to get upset with you if you do so, and that is probably stress that you don't really need in your life.
Hope you can get to a meeting soon. Don't forget to contact your sponsor, if you have one.
Al Anon - When in doubt, don't - good wisdom. If you didn't see it, hear it, or experience it - then, you'd be acting on heresay information from the hotel manager. When we were kids - telephone never worked for relaying messages - no matter how simple the message was when the first person started the game. I'm not saying to keep the information to yourself - I don't know your relationship to your sister - or to hold it forever, but right now it doesn't appear you are clear on what would be the most loving thing for you to carry out in this circumstance.
You say your sister enables him, covers for him, hides his drinking from family then what good would it do to tell her about this incident? It always helps me to examine my motives before I take an important action that involves others.
If you are simply angry over his behavior, then I would talk to my sponsor work the 4 through 7th Step on it and then let go
My fear is she'll find out that I knew and didn't tell her. For once it would be coming from someone else, not just her own suspicion. Will this be the one time she actually sees/hears? Probably not, which pains me to admit.
I am obviously in the weeds on how this works and need to get into meetings again.
It's natural to feel concern and want to help. However, I completely agree with the other responses.
Sometimes the best course of action is to pray. Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Alcoholism is a baffling, cunning, and powerful disease. Keep coming back- learn as much as you can about this disease - MIP has online meetings, read the MIP posts, ttend local Alanon meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps.
Concerned- I understand that you love and care about your sister. Denial runs very deep and brings people to places and a distorted reality where they can't hear clearly. I have found that making decisions based on fear often does not yield the best outcome. Another way to pose the question is: "How would saying something help your sister?"
I'm sure there are many healthy ways to approach this problem. I want to add a somewhat different perspective to consider. My question would be whether your sister wants to know.
At one point I left my son with my AH (my son's father) while I went on a business trip. As far as I knew and as far as he claimed, he had stopped drinking and had stayed sober.
Several months later, I had gotten suspicious and I finally confirmed that he was drinking again, with all the predictable consequences. I mentioned this to a friend. She said, "Oh yeah, I could tell he was wasted when I ran him into while you were gone." What!?! If I had known that, I never would have left our son with him! -- and I would have come back from the business trip immediately if I had found out, rather than endanger our son. And I certainly wouldn't have wasted several more months wondering and doubting myself and blaming myself for being paranoid. I was just flabbergasted that she hadn't told me. I felt as if she was keeping secrets for him and enabling him.
So that is my perspective. I would absolutely want to have known. And I feel that by keeping it from me, my friend exposed me to some dangers. I left my son in his care, and I got in the car while my AH was drinking and driving, because I didn't know. If these are possibilities -- that children are at risk or that she might be in the car when he's drinking and driving -- I would definitely consider telling your sister.
As always, we have to do what we think is right and then let go of the outcome. You can tell her (if you decide to) but you can't control what she does with the information. You're the best one to know the real situation. Hugs.
Motives and Expectations is what I would consider .. do you think you are going to fix, manage and control her reaction? Just like has already been shared, .. there are always consequences to these situations. In my mind it sounds like she is already fully aware of what's going on and she's not prepared to face the reality of what is happening. You run the risk of damaging your relationship with her for at least a short time and who knows how long based upon how buried she is at the moment.
You said there are no minor children involved so that changes a bit of the dichotomy to me.
Had someone told me my STBAX was driving me and the kids around while drunk .. I don't know if I would have believed them at the time (I certainly would now), I would have been angry, hurt, frustrated, thought they were crazy, why would someone say that to me kind of deal. I would not have wanted to talk to them after that for a LONG time.
On another level I knew exactly what was going on and I didn't want to face it because it meant a lot of hard decisions I wasn't prepared to make at the time. Did he drive the kids and me drunk I don't know .. I don't think he was that far gone at that point .. was he in an altered state on meds .. YUP he sure was, on prescription meds, did he drink and drive when he was alone .. yup got the DUI to prove it. Those blinders weren't ripped off by another person it was a situation that happened and then all of a sudden I could see very clearly a lot of what was going on AND I started attending alanon to boot. It was nothing any one person relative or not could have told me and I would have been open to listening to.
I would encourage you to ask for guidance from your higher power, I truly don't envy your situation .. it's very no win for anyone involved.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
If I was her I'd want to know. HOWEVER...often these things get turned around on the messenger...so be prepared if she goes into denial mode and attacks you or minimizes or denies...you can't control how she will react or take the info, but you will have done your part being honest with her...especially if you two are close...and you can communicate the situation that you know about without judgment or a mean spirit...
I cannot physically get to an alanon meeting this week, so I really appreciate this forum!