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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My son returns
Post Info TOPIC: My son returns
grateful2be


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My son returns
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My son returned from prison unexpectedly today.  He was supposed to be released last week, but it didn't happen.  I don't know why.  This afternoon, his PO called me at work - something I have asked that office NOT to do and put my son on the phone to re-ask me if he could stay at my place until the County had a place for him to stay this weekend.  I could tell my son was nervous.  I guess the local Parole Office didn't expect him today and since they didn't thought my house would be a good place for him to go.  This is after I told the PO a week or so ago that it wouldn't work for him to stay with me.  And after I e-mailed my son what I'd told the PO.  I don't know what the plan for him will be from here.  I let his PO know that I didn't appreciate being called at work.  I repeated my "No.  You can't stay with me.  It won't work for me.  I'm sorry, honey."  I couldn't keep the irritation out of my tone with either one of them.  I don't know how many times I have to say "No" before the PO gets it.  She's not an A.  Treatment centers in the past have done the same thing.  Calling me to have him move back in with me when they already know I've said no and the reason why.  It's one thing to deal with him as a non recovering A, but its another dealing with systems that are supposedly "in the know" about addictions and enabling.  They want the Moms to let go, but then try to rope the Moms back into their client's life. 

Right now, I'm throwing a bit of a temper tantrum myself inside.  I get so tired of dealing with this same old mess.  As much as I hate to say it, I prefer my son being in prison.  He's safer than on the streets.  He gets meals.  He gets meds.  He can't show up wherever he wants to in any shape that he wants to and do what he does when using.  And I don't jump everytime the phone rings or the doorbell, afraid of what and/or whom will be on the other end of the phone or at the door.  I'm scared for him.  I'm concerned for me.  Trying to focus on the present moment, feel my feelings, and pay attention to what I'm supposed to be doing with my life at work and at home, but feel fairly depressed at present.     

 

 

 



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el-cee


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I'm sorry grateful, that is not a good position to be in and I think I would contact the people involved to complain. It sounds like his po is incompetent and had no right to emotionally blackmail you like that. I hope your son gets what he needs.x

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lgnutah


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My sister expressed the same feeling of composure when her son was in prison. Sometimes putting a complaint in writing is helpful (try to find name of person in supervisory position to address it to). Good for you staying strong and sticking to boundaries (despite their failure to respect them)

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grateful2be


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Thank you, el cee.  It was emotional blackmail on her part, wasn't it?  There's nobody to complain to - it'll just backfire.  But, it is part of what I dread when he returns.  He wasn't in town for a full day and already a crisis that was State created due to poor communication (he's still being shown as being in prison - not released here on parole) and they want me to help solve it for them and he wants me to solve it for him.  This is part of the reason I was storming inside today - its hard enough not knowing if your child will live or die, refusing to help them because they have a better chance of making it without our help although there is no guarantee - and then having the push/pull insanity of systems coming into play, too.  And - I'm powerless over all of it and as I said earlier - tired of it all, too.  If this were going to be the worst of it, I wouldn't feel so depressed, but it won't be.  I've been there - done that - for years now.  The only peace my daughter and I enjoy are the times when my son is in jail/prison.

 

 

 



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
el-cee


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You sound weary grateful, I do too. It's even harder when other people are putting the pressure on too. It's important to remember that we are entitled to have peace in our lives. The odat's reading today is pretty spot on.x

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hotrod


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I hear you and so understand the depth of your pain.

I have found that  prayers for courage, serenity and wisdom never go unanswered.

In my thoughts



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
bud


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My exAH and I had been living in separate residences for several months when the police made it clear to me that they needed to fulfill their own requirements regarding discharging my exAH. (there were alternatives to my involvement, but I was contacted) The same with his discharges from his ensuing rehabs with the additional component that their other main concern is for my exAH. The criminal lawyers representing him then continuously contacted me regarding his whereabouts.

Each time I was contacted, I was told I was his only hope. Each time I was contacted, I was flooded by a wealth of emotions... one of course, devalued from my thoughts and feelings ignored just as my exAH had. Guilt is a big one! I also felt judged no matter what I did or didn't do. But then.... these are often the same people that wonder why it took me so long to detach and just move on... In each of the circumstances, there were options that didn't involve me and this is how things eventually rolled.

I'm so grateful for Alanon- to know that I'm not responsible for an addicted loved one's actions or absorbing their consequences, to know that it doesn't help anyone if I stay aboard addiction's sinking Titanic.

Be gentle with you. In support



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Cathyinaz


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I'm so sorry and I feel your pain your in. I many times wished my son would just go to jail so he would be OK and I would have peace. Although he's not in jail, I have learned to let go 99 percent of the time now, I have so much more peace. I will never have my son live with me and I don't care if he thinks he been wronged. He has wronged himself for so long it's not my job anymore to correct it.

If I go back to any of my old ways....... dang.....I don't even want to think about it.

Prayers for you and your son






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grateful2be


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Thank you, all. I so appreciate you and the struggles you have also endured with the loved ones in your lives. I recently read a commentary from my tradition on "Desire." The commentator invited readers to reflect on their deepest, truest desires and to trust that those desires are God's (HP's), too. I'm going to be praying for our deepest, truest desires and those of our loved ones to be made manifest in our/their lifetimes soon.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
PP


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I am sorry for the torment regarding all of the uncertainty surrounding your son's life, then having to deal with a system whose intentions seem to be manipulating you with guilt becasue they want to check your son off of their list.  I would also feel better having my son in jail where at least his basic survival needs are provided.  I have prayers to offer for all of you; the ESH was well covered by the others.  I wish you peace.



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Paula
grateful2be


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Thank you, Paula. 



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Debilyn


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Again you are doing the right thing by him. He has to figure this out for himself. The only reason my ex ah is not living with his mother is she is in a home now! He is 61.

Maybe read Getting Them Sober again would help reinforce you are doing the right thing. You are very courageous to do this. Just becuz people are hero's, brave, etc. does not mean the incident or event was easy for them! You surely feel the pain of this, but you love him, and want what is right for him, setting your feelings behind this.

Sending you lots of love and hope! Your friend,debilyn



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