The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so grateful to have the Al-Anon Message Board! I'm overseas at the moment with my partner.. I joined Al-Anon more than 6 months ago, and have been to 2 - 5 meetings a week since that time. Now that I'm overseas on a remote island, I can't get to a meeting.. it's only been about a week but I'm already feeling like I need a meeting. So I'm grateful for this message board.
I'm feeling depressed. And I can't figure out why - I'm on this amazing tropical island, meant to be having a holiday, and I just feel depressed. Like I'd love nothing more than to be on my own for the next week - but I think that's just shame and isolation kicking in again. So I'm with my partner, trying not to be ungrateful and grumpy all the time.
I'm starting to get to know my partner more - And there are parts of his personality that I'm really NOT liking. The other day he read my personal journal, and then approached me about something that I'd written about him. I got mostly angry because I couldn't believe he'd read my personal journal. Another violation of trust. He then had the audacity to tell me that 'he didn't read it - it was just sitting there and he picked it up and saw a few lines..' - PUH-LEASE. Don't lie to my face.
And I've noticed that he lies a lot. It makes me wonder what he lies to me about - he lies to other people with such ease. They are all little white lies, but there seem to be a lot of them.
Anyway - I don't know what's going on really. I'm wondering if my co-dependancy is just kicking in again and I'm focusing really heavily on him rather than getting connected to myself.
Because when I get connected to myself, I realise that I don't like my life at home. I really don't. I work too much - I don't give myself time to do all the things I want to do, like yoga, eating well.. taking my dog for a walk..
And my relationship? I don't know. I seem to have a pretty destructive pattern going on. It's like clockwork. At about 1.5 years into any relationship, I start to get bored. Really really bored. My current partner and I used to have a very tumultuous and passionate relationship (ie. dysfunctional), but we've had couples counselling and it's calmed a lot.
But now I'm bored. And I'm finding more and more things about him that I don't like - so I just turn off him, and then usually by the 2 year mark I've had enough, and I end the relationship.
I've never had a relationship last beyond 2 years. This pattern disturbs me a lot.
Anyway, this is a bit ranty - and I'm just getting stuff out. Its good to be able to share.
I'm on holidays, on a beautiful tropical island, and I'm depressed. I'm anxious, I'm not attracted to my partner anymore. I just want to be on my own to figure it all out. It's very confusing.
I keep thinking that I'm broken. There is something wrong with me.
We are all broken and utterly beautiful in that brokenness. It is when I expect to be, have, or do anything different than what is, I slide into my murky self. This is when I most need to just be in the present moment and see God in the details of life all around me. Sometimes I will sit and watch an ant as it struggles to carry a fallen brother somewhere other than where they are and enjoy the awe of its strength. Since you are in a tropical area, all kinds of wonderful creatures will be milling about. Just be with wherever you are and the answers to your questions may come from the homeless person basking in the sun...you never know!
You don't mention how long you will be living in a remote location - or - if you're working the steps with a sponsor and able to continue to do so online and/ or via an app. MIP also has 2 meetings daily via a chat room and a step message board that can also be helpful. Working the steps continually helps bring me to a more and more peaceful space with myself and with my HP. For me, it is like peeling away many layers to get to my truth.
I have found that addicts do lie and manipulate- nothing that I caused, can change or can control.... so, the question is "what am I going to do?" Alanon helps me create and enforce boundaries that protect and help keep me centered.
I do not consider myself qualified to speak regarding your concerns of not having a relationship last beyond 2 years. Perhaps working the steps will bring some illumination and enlightenment. Perhaps, a professional, when available, could assist a quicker understanding?
Wishing you the best and hoping you are able to have some wonderful moments where you can enjoy the remote island!
I have never had a job for more than a year or two at a time. I have been at my current job for over 3 years. I get very antsy about it, but what I have learned from Alanon is to take it one day at a time. When the time is right I will find something better. For now I work on living in the moment. I would spend time doing something for just me on a trip like that, being with myself and accepting myself for who I am :) HUGS
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I used to wonder why I couldn't just fix myself so I stopped getting angry at my partner. After many years of repair and healing, I realized that my anger was just a sign that my partner was not living up to the standards I needed for a healthy relationship. My anger was protecting me and sending me a signal -- "Something is wrong!" I wanted to stay with him so much -- not because of who he actually was but more for who I hoped he could be -- that I spent many years overlooking the big problems. Not saying what you should do -- just something to think about.
Aloha CeeBee and thanks for that vent. I started out getting into the problem and then here comes the other members full of solutions. Isn't that how it works??
I reflected on the similarities twix your share and my story also cause I pretty much have done the same thing in the past...One of the reasons I got bored was because the drama and trauma were over and I was habitually into crises and chaos. If it wasn't happening I was looking for it. Even presently I decided to come to the board and read for a while before making calls to lawyers to find some interested in a lawsuit regarding the police assaulting me. Geeeez I was on my way to get a rain hat (how boring) and ended up getting assaulted, jailed and all the other crap that comes out of a police state. It was good drama!! I also refelt my old lessons on the sugject of fear. Usually when I got into fear I would want to run...where ever...and then I got sit down lessons on the subject of fear with my then sponsor one of which he taught me the acronym I still use for fear. False Evidence Appearing Real...meaning my head dreams up these scenarios which are not real and the starts reacting as if they are. I just can't stay still and bored and do something productive like relax and read a book or some other time fulfilling activity. I gotta go find a keg of dynamite, sit on it and blow myself up along with everything else attached.
Do an inventory on your's...what you think, feel and do when boredom hits and what other alternatives there are for you. Hanging with a liar isn't an acceptable alternative. There just isn't much personal value in lying; not to oneself or for others. Keep coming back to the board and sharing...find something to enjoy on that island. ((((hugs))))
hmmm... Jerry's keg of dynamite analogy does resonate and more... in addition to the other posts, for me, fear played a large role in being unable to be still or manifested as nit picking (from ill- held expectations) as an excuse to disengage from a relationship (O how I wanted to forget I did that one!).
