How many chances are too many? - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

How many chances are too many?

nikkibatts · Newbie

My girlfriend, whom I love very, very much, is an alcoholic. She's been in and out of recovery for a couple of years and as of Sunday had over 3 months of sobriety. She was doing very well, back to work, gaining independence, becoming a much better partner. We were the happiest I think we've been in our year and a half together. This weekend, after reaching out for support in all the right places, she ended up drinking. I had previously told her the next time she drank would be the last time with me. However, that was before she made a lot of progress in my eyes. Everyone I know tells me I deserve better than dealing with this (she's tried to get sober at least 5 times since we got together) but the honest truth is I do not want to leave her. I love her and I honestly feel like I'm abandoning her, not to mention be making myself miserable. I'm also afraid if I DON'T take time away with her she's never going to change or take me seriously. I know while she was sober for those three months, she started dealing with a lot more feelings of anger and rage and confusion. She was working through it, or trying to. if I walk away now I can't help but feel like I'm walking away too soon, and unfortunately no one else in my life has dated or understands what it's like living with and loving an alcoholic. Which is why I'm here. I know it's ultimately my decision to make but I feel out of guidance anywhere else.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP- you're in the right place.

Alanon offers emotional strength and support, as living or coping with an addict is too much for most of us to handle on our own. The program provides us with valuable new perspectives and different skills, whether we decide to stay with the relationship or not.

Please look up and attend face to face meetings in your area, get a sponsor and work the steps, read all you can about the disease, read and search the MIP message board and keep posting,- Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is a good and quick read that has helped me. It is suggested that no major decisions are made for at least the first 6 months of Alanon. Some people are able to remain in the relationship with serenity that comes from working the program; others find their serenity from making a decision to leave. Change takes a lot of courage and understanding how to break unhealthy patterns and establish healthy ones.

In support.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Ditto what Bud posted. If you opt to leave, you will not be abandoning her; she has already done that AND, with the drinking, has abandoned you. Her cup is empty and she is draining yours. Al anon will help you choose a healthier way for you to live, with or without her. Keep coming back here and read the posts.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

One thing to keep in mind as you go forward is that she is watching to see what you do in reaction to her violating your boundary that you wouldn't stay if she drank again. "Can I do it? Can I drink and keep him? Can I get away with that?" she is thinking. When you stay, you tell her that the answer is Yes. I inadvertantly told my AH "Yes" many times. So the next question I wish someone has asked me is "If you knew this person were never going to change their behavior, what decision would you make?" Statistically, continuing to drink is the likeliest outcome. Of course I'm not telling you what to decide, because every situation is individual. Just that it's helpful to have as many facts clear before you start the decision process. Take good care of yourself.

sookie · Senior Member

I am very familiar with this situation too. I kept setting boundaries and then changing them because of my feelings for the AH. And I felt sad for him and wanted him to get better. He seemed like he wanted that too. Finally, my last straw was driving drunk...I told him, the next time you pull in that driveway after drinking, you need to go. And that is what happened. Two months after he moved out he got a DUI. That was 2 years ago--we are still married but not really together in any way except for our kids, but he continues to try-relapse-get depressed-try again--and so on. What Mattie says above rings so true to me. I am beginning to really face that fact that the likelihood of him actually doing it is slim....and that is hard and heart breaking to accept. I know I am at a cross roads...needing to make a decision based not necessarily on my heart, but on what is right for me and my family. Using the Al-Anon tools has got me this far and I have faith it will help get me where I need to be. I hope it can for you too.

Best wishes for peace!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Nikki, glad you found MIP...now you're family. You have just received some very very solid responses from some of MIP's very very solid recovering women. I suggest you sit down and think good on the suggestions you got and will further receive. It was this kind of feedback such as I got when I first got into recovery that saved my mind, body, spirit and emotions because I had run out of alternatives to the alcoholic/addict behavior I was living with. Alcoholism and drug addiction doesn't come with a manual for the victims of it. Al-Anon has the solutions to "if nothing changes...nothing changes" You need to change. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up Al-Anon and call that hotline number to find out where and when we get together in your area. Come as quickly and early as you can cause a chair is waiting. Keep coming back here also ((((hugs)))) smile

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

nikkib:

we can really do a number on ourselves wondering what if we stay, will it make a difference? What if we go--is that what our A needs? There's no good answer except that if you keep coming here and gaining the strength of alanon you may find out for yourself what you can and cannot live with

I also had a counselor once look at me and say 'it makes no difference whether you stay or leave in terms of your Hs drinking. He'll either continue to drink or stop' This guy kept repeating this for the hour and a half I sat there until I finally heard him! Along those lines I have heard people ask, if you know the situation will not change, can you continue to live with that? That is only up to you to decide and no right or wrong there either

wishing you strength

YF

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Chances for what? This person is an addict,they will always be one, it never is cured! It's inevitable that they will relapse sooner or later. Just part of them.

We have no right to try to control or change them. We are no different, we would not like anyone trying to control us. Plus we all have the right to be loved not for ourselves but in spite of ourselves.

We learn skills to live with the addict as is, or we keep it the same and be unhappy or we leave.

I know its a hard concept, but that is why we have Al Anon. I cannot, will not live with an A. I just cannot handle the stress of it. Its not that I may not love them, I loved and love my ex AH a lot. But he is no longer him and a dangerous monster.

I hope you find some comfort. Her using is nothing against you. Its not personal. It has to be so horrible to be driven to have to use!

It's just plain up to you to decide if you can live with her as is. With skills it is possible. But it won't be like it is when she is sober, on a program of recovery.

hugs,debilyn

nikkibatts · Newbie

All of you, thank you so much for your reply. I am going to attend my first Al-Anon meeting next week; I even reached out to a teammate of mine to see if she wanted to join me in support of her AM. I also ordered the Getting Them Sober book and cannot wait to read it. My AG and I are taking a couple of weeks apart from each other to kind of reevaluate everything. In her absence I already have had a few quality realizations. I miss her terribly but I know this is for the best right now. Again, thank you all so much for your support and I look forward to going through this journey with you in the future.

Sincerely,
Nicole

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I couldnt add anything more to all the wonderful responses and support you already got.

My experience with the alcoholic has been , being married 27 years, I made a lot of threats I never followed thru. So my boundaries that I would set were considered empty threats, until finally my threat became real and I parted.

Alanon will help you with that, we cannot make a boundary and not follow thru, so really give it thought and consideration the next time you say this is the last time.

Glad to hear your attending Alanon meetings, you are on the right path.

My best to you

Bettina

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.