The good news is that this looks like I FINALLY might be getting a divorce, at this point we still may have to go to court at LEAST we can start moving forward on some level.  The sad thing is that we don't need to go to court and that's what is REALLY sad.  All this money being spent and I don't have it and neither does he.   

The straw that has been breaking the camels back for a few weeks now is that he is the one who set the court date and then he wants to "talk" what that means is he wants to text.  Really what that translates to is he wants drama, ..I'm so over all this garbage.  The good news is that now that I have alanon tools I can step back and make very conscious decisions.  Do I need the contact, is it important, is it relevant, and so far 100% it's been irrelevant.  It's so nice to know I don't have to respond. 

I've let my atty know that if he continues to contact me he will be brought up on harassment charges .. had he not made the court date it would be a different situation. 

Actually not hearing from him has been a real blessing.  I won't see him until this next week and he's made the decision not to see the kids until the 7th.  He was completely the one who made that decision I have offered for him to take the kids on different days and he continues to tell me he can't.  I'm sure that is partially true the bigger truth is that he doesn't want to, who wants to deal with reality when it is really sucking at the moment. 

I've got tremendous work to do on myself and I feel a lot of peace with it all.  He really doesn't understand how buried he is and it is heart breaking to fully get how he is going to be so confused about a LOT of things. 

There is a lot I can't share at the moment and a lot I don't know if I will .. it really makes me sad to watch this self destruction that is happening and the lying.  Imagine .. this is NOT speculation .. imagine knowing that any lies you have been telling that are financial in nature to the parent of a child and they just nod and say wow .. sorry to hear that .. the whole time they know the truth of the situation.  Imagine knowing the other person has always known you were lying and just let you lie and never said a word about it.  Now imagine not knowing what you said and what you didn't say so you really don't know what stories are out there.  Imagine knowing you have to go and look this person in the eye with your atty, their atty, and a judge going to listen to what you have to say and knowing that pretty much you are going to lie to save yourself regardless if it's at the expense of the children or not.  There is already a letter in the file that throws your oldest under the bus and says that they are lying about what they saw.  There is such a poop storm brewing and this is a good time to move out.  Imagine wondering to no end what the other person actually knows .. and thinking that all of the leaks have been stopped .. unfortunately they haven't .. it's so sad to watch and hear about.  None of this information I went looking for .. it has all been provided as I need it.  This is hard to know what I should do, what I should act on.  The end is not going to be pretty at all. 

Plus he wants the tax money really badly and now I can wait for a bit on all of this .. I'm just going to let it all ride at this point.  He thinks he's all caught up on C/S and Maintenance however he's not .. it's unfortunate he doesn't see it. 

There is a lot of money riding on this next date for me and for him .. it really boils down to letting go and letting God because it doesn't matter what he thinks, what I think, what our atty's think .. it only matters what the Judge thinks.  I really feel kind of sorry for him because he thinks his atty's word is written and that's never the case in ANY situation. 

Thanks for letting me work some of this stuff out here .. I have so much in my mind at the moment and I'm just allowing the situation to do what it needs to do. 

Hugs P :)