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well i hope i am posting in the right place. I am looking for advice about my best friend. i am totally confused at this point and not sure what to do next.
my friend has always drunk A LOT. When we go out she ALWAYS has many big glasses of wine, always gets very drunk and has black outs, actually having said that she doesn't seem to get as drunk lately. maybe she is developing tolerance plus she is on anti depressants. i dread to think how many units she must drink a week - it could be close to a 100 some weeks.
her mum and dad are/ were both alcoholics. her dad died before he was 40 of alcohol related illnesses.
lots of her friend have tried to talk to her about her drinking but she gets extremely defensive. she says everyone drinks as much as her (they absolutely don't). she went on a holiday with the girls and instead of going off sightseeing with them she spent all her time drinking. again when friends voiced their concern she just felt they were victimising her. another time her good friend wrote to her to say she wasn't welcome to go stay at her house anymore because she was always drunk and this friend has a little girl. again my friend got upset and felt victimised and that she was being treated unfairly. she NEVER admits she has a problem - which is the thing that gets me. how can she not see this?
anyway recently she has been taking A LOT of time off work and it is for a number of different reasons, she has a cold, she has high blood pressure, she is depressed, she needs to stay home for the broadband guy etc, it is always worse on a monday or friday and always worse after a heavy night drinking. apparently work are keeping an eye on her as she is sometimes saying she is in a different office and it looks like she is not actually there.
previously i tried to gently voice my concerns but didn't get anywhere. the other day i was much firmer. i said i am very worried that she could be drinking at home during the day, that this is why she is not going to work and that she MUST get help. anyway she has got very upset with me and now basically stopped speaking to me. she says she is suffering with anxiety and depression and how could i accuse her of something so awful and she thought i was a supportive friend etc. well now i feel really bad! what if i have got this wrong? my gut instinct tells me i am right about this. why is she avoiding work? is she now physically dependent? and even if she is anxious and depressed it is clearly alcohol related. i have seen her have tremors in her hand. looked like alcohol withdrawal to me but she says it is anxiety, sometimes she is too anxious to leave the house and this is always worse after drinking
can anyone give me advice? i just don't know what to think, she has made me feel really bad confronting her about this but i don't think i would be a proper friend if i didn't voice these concerns! but if i am wrong it is an awful thing i am accusing her of! feel like i am going mad lol
You aren't wrong but that doesn't mean she's ready to hear it. She sounds 100 percent convinced she can't live without alcohol and that it probably "helps" her with her anxiety and depression. Meanwhile, we know it's exacerbating the depression and anxiety if not causing them both. That is also exactly how my alcoholism worked. My best friend told me "I am scared for you now. You need help" right after I'd crashed my car drunk. There was no denying it at that point.... Well I guess I could have as some folks wreck many cars and get many DUIs before surrendering and entering recovery.
Sadly, your friend will need to suffer more consequences in all likelihood. If she gets fired or loses friends - that's the consequences and sometimes those things need to happen for a person to get closer to admitting they have a problem. Don't do all her worrying for her. Alanon meetings would help you. Also, you say she's your best friend but it sounds like she's a huge drain on everyone around her. What's the draw of you being friends with her? How is it fun to be friends with someone that all you do is worry about them and they are drunk and making lame excuses for it all the time? Perhaps there is a codependent/caretaker streak in you that you might want to look at. Normally, those traits aren't totally unhealthy and they aid us to have loving relationships to an extent, but alanon will aid you to keep it within healthy limits.
If it's not only you, and it sounds like it isn't, that has a problem with your friends drinking... then there is a problem with your friends drinking. No doubt about it. Don't feel bad about confronting her because you are right, you wouldn't be a good friend if you didn't point it out to her. Now that you have then you have done your job and that is ALL that you can do. What not to do is to cover for her, make excuses to others and in any way enable her to continue drinking (don't drink with her). If she chooses to not consider you a friend and remain angry then honestly you are much better off. People who are alcoholics are extremely sick people and if you aren't careful they will draw you into their world of insanity. I was drawn in over 18 years ago and just now learning how to get out of 'crazy land'. If you continue to keep this person as a friend I do advise learning as much about alcoholism as you can and start attending alanon meetings.
thanks both so great to hear from people who understand this issue, i have no experience of this previously
pinkchip i think you are right what you say, there is an element of codependency. she has been my closest friend in this town. when i was single we would go out every night together and it would always involves lots of alcohol. at that time i was drinking a bottle of wine a day myself. i had just come out of a terrible relationship and went a little off the rails. now i am married and settled and only drink a couple of times a week but she is still carrying on the same behaviour. in fact it is getting worse.a part of me is worried about losing the friendship and what if i never make another close friend. well of course i know that this is not really true nor the right reason to stay friends but these anxieties do cross my mind. i do feel more confident than ever before though and i think this is why this is the first time i have seriously confronted her in 6 years of friendship! I think I realise i need healthier friendships in my life now that my self esteem is much better. it is still a scary thing for me to do though!
dponlyme, oh yes lots of people have commented on her drinking, her family, friends, partner. it all falls on deaf ears. last year she was taking a lot of time off work and was getting into a lot of trouble so she attempted suicide. i am afraid she may go down that route again, it was very scary.
the thing is though, she comes across as very together and confident and very plausible in her denials about her drinking, she told me i was the irrational one when i confronted her. for someone like me who hates conflict this has been quite hard for me to do but i am quite proud of myself for saying what i think!
