The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've read and re-read your post. I also checked out your biography. As a Mom and Grandmom in recovery, I wish I had answers to all your questions. I don't. For all my efforts, my children and grandchild have all been affected by this disease - much as I would have liked to protect them all from it. I just don't think that we can raise our children in an alcoholic environment without them being affected by it.
What I can't help but wonder is if you are seeing a counselor/psychologist who is certified/trained in alcohol/substance abuse therapy for individuals/families? I ask this because I can tell you attend Al Anon meetings and are part of MIP - all good things, but might benefit from the support of someone who can be there with you in a therapeutic and supportive manner on an individual basis if you aren't already seeing somebody? They might be able to help guide you in relationship to you raising your daughter with more faith and confidence than it appears you have right now?
It is very apparent to this reader how much you love your daughter. I can totally understand your desire to protect her from all harm and all hurt. I haven't met her, but I'm fairly certain she knows she is loved based on what you're writing here. And, I also believe that your fears have become very overwhelming to you - also based on what you've written. A skilled therapist might be very helpful to you in calming some of those fears'?.
If you are seeing somebody and trust them, then could it be that you are doing all that you can do to help your daughter grow well? Can you turn the outcome into your HP's hands and trust that even her hurts can be used for good in her adult life? We just don't get to go through life without somebody or something affecting it negatively. If its any help to you, this is what I know to be true - that some of our strongest, most beautiful trees grow in the deepest manure. It might also be a help to you in relaxing more to read Maya Angelou's recent book, "Mom & Me & Me & Mom" or reflect on Oprah Winfrey's life. Neither grew up in ideal situations. Both have been major positive contributors to life.
No matter what mistakes we make in relationship to our kids, there is one thing most of us always do right - we care. That is the best thing we can do for our kids every day of their lives.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 2nd of June 2013 10:25:22 PM
as many readers know, im married to an active functioning alcoholic. have onechild who is the light of my life and trying to keep our little family in tact despite my husb active drinking and many many issues ranging from chronic pain., to childhood abandonment issues, to seeing the world as being down on him. . .the list drags on. that said, wiyh tons of work i think im doing ok to find serenity in the chaos, to breathe and know its a moment. . no more no less. what i do continue to struggle with is how to be the best non drinking parent to a child whose dad is unavaible at least 2-3times per week as well as then hung over, moody and unpredictable. i know, i can leave. . but i dont. i try to stay, hang on tight, pray and remain faithful and committed. what im most committed to is my daughter. many would and have said, well then take her and go. . cant and wont, at least right now. so then i struggle with just wishing i knew the words to say or not say when my daugh dad is being a moody jerk and lashing out for the sake of his ego and control and to then create an excuse to leave and drink. i wish i knew how to not over indulge and over compensate when hes being difficult. i know i do both, but im just trying to "make it ok" for her. i worryi explain too much, make too many excuses, am too nice, am too accomodating and worry that i will scar her for life. i love her more than words can write. shes an innocent sweet beautiful healthy smart almost nine year old who doesnt deserve an ounce of what active alcohlism creates in our home. i just wish i knew what to do and how to do to help her grow, help her to not resent her dad, help her to know shes loved . . all of that . being a mom to a child who has a dad who is an alc is the hardest job i will and have ever had. thanks for reading. just need reminders that im doing ok and to hear from others as to how they "do".
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I can totally relate theoceancalls. I too, live with an active alcoholic, who is the father to my 8, almost 9 year old. And I hate the thought of her having to live without him. And yet, really, what is living with him doing for her and for us, really, right now? I am not ready to leave my AH, I love him and pray for him daily. But I am taking actions for her, and for me, to keep my sanity in this insanity. I took a yoga class today. And I have made arrangements for her this summer so that I don't have to worry about her being with him and what can happen if he decides to drink while with her. I read the book, "Getting them Sober", which by the title made me a bit leary. But, it is an awesome book. Great support for me, and for my family. I hope that the actions I take to take care of myself and her will lead him to a path of recovery as well, for his sake and hers, if anything. But at least it is getting me from the "what if's" stage, that I go to so often. It is getting me to look at caring for myself. And it is getting me away from the walking around on eggshells...wondering, is he drinking again today? The kind of life that were it my best friend, I would help and support her, but remind her that this disease is progressive, and look at how it's continuing to progress...which it has. And will do. Unless he can get help and stop. But living in this is not healthy. It is not okay.
But as you mentioned, you are going to meetings and you are managing in the chaos. You mentioned wanting the words to say to your daughter when he is lashing out and basically his alcoholism is running rampant, even if he hasn't yet taken the drink. I just recently told my daughter about alcoholism, and equated it to diabetes. She understands diabetes because her dad has that as well. It made her cry. It tore my heart. But, I have to admit, she has been less "acting out" herself, and easier overall, and I believe it's because I am not trying to "pretend" that this behavior is just because.... I am acknowledging that I am angry at the disease and I pray for her dad. I tell her I love him. I let her know that the disease is part of the crazy behavior. And she asked me to stop talking about it, it was too much. But she has brought it up, randomly, when she needs to. I believe that I did it the right way.
As grateful2be mentioned, a therapist may be a great help to you both. It may help you get the tools you need to discuss with her and let her have a safe place to talk also. I don't know how old your daughter is. I will go back and check other posts. I just got pulled to respond, as I can relate so well. It sucks and is one of the hardest things I've ever been through. But I am getting through it, one day at a time with the help of others, and with my HP.
so, this morning i awaken alone. im asuming hes on the couch. . typical when hes out . . at least i was able to sleep. the responses you both posted helped me to smile, relax and breathe. i am seeing a therapist, so far ok.vshe is doing a goodjob helping me with my "what if" thinking and my selfjudging.my daughter is eight and as you both mentioned i have done some of what you mentioned in talking to her etc. at times her dad can be hostile and so so distant . he pushes her and me, aside to then resent that we arent overly connected to him. he then gets angry and blameful. i can only imagine what goes through her little head. for me its sadness and anger . for her im sure its utter confusion. i will check out the maya angelo book you mentioned. no matter what i choose to do in time, i just what her to know her mom loves her and for her to be able to call on Gods grace in her own way in times of doubt and stress. for her to know,"mom cared". i appreciate you both for reaching out to me. thank you
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I have been where you are. I too have a daughter who has lived with her AF her entire life. She is now 19 years old and still living with me, going to college. She begged me for years to leave my AH, but I just did not have the courage to do so. Finally, this past January I filed for divorce. Now that he is out of our lives, I understand what true chaos and insanity we were living in all those years. I have encouraged my daughter to go to Al-anon, but she is not there yet. Right now, she wants absolutely nothing to do with her father. I have explained to her the disease of alcoholism and that her father is very sick, but she is still hurting. I realize that this chaos was her "normal". Now, I am trying to show her another way of living, one with peace and joy. I wish I had been strong enough to take her and leave sooner, but that is in the past and I must look forward. Trust that your HP has a plan for you and your daughter's life. One with hope and a future. Both of you are in my prayers!
I too have been thru this with my boys and my now sober AH. I know how you feel I would overcompensate and explain his behavior away. Now that I have AlAnon I have been working very hard on this. Now everything is in the open and we talk openly about Dad and his behavior. I don't get in between my AH and sons anymore ( they are older now too). I let them have their own relationship. Recently my 14 yr old apologized to me because he and I had an argument and my husband joined in and was laughing at my response to disciplining my son. I simply told him that is not your responsibility and I can handle Dad and that he did not need to take that on. Also my 22 yr old works for AH and they don't talk much and used to go thru me to talk. Now I say "oh you have to talk to Dad yourself or vise versa." It really works. I realize your daughter is still young. I think talking openly about it really helps. It took me a lot of practice to do this. Know that you have support and are not alone. Your a good and loving Mom and that is a huge thing for your daughter. Xoxox
Thank you so much for this. The anxiety of parenting to raise my 2 little girls with an A father keeps me awake at night. I question my choices all the time, as if parenting wasn't already challenging.Lots of good things here for me to read, too.
My experience has been that without recovery it won't matter if you are in the relationship or not .. he's not going to be present. It's a sad state of affairs that he is not and it doesn't benefit anyone.
Really I don't have any answers, my kids come home from visitation stressed and upset over what he's said or done usually what he hasn't said and hasn't done. He again .. is not present.
Something someone said to me was the courts can make him accountable .. they aren't going to make him be a good parent. I don't know if that helps or not.
It IS hard to be both sides of the parental unit. There are times I still feel really resentful about it. The kids are with him and he will still text and ask questions or my fav is when the kids doubt his choices and they text me saying that isn't ok is it.
What I'm trying to do is let go and allow him to have whatever relationship he's going to have with the kids .. that is their business to work through .. NOW .. that changes IMMEDIATELY if they are in physical, emotional or mental danger meaning ANY kind of abuse that has them questioning themselves as to what they saw, what is happening, something physical happened and so on. I always encourage the kids if in doubt call or text me it is fine .. he doesn't have to like that however .. he's drinking visitation is OVER. He's drinking and driving with them in the car for ANY reason, .. visitation is OVER. They don't like how he parents .. well that's a different story. That they don't get to play the visitation is over card.
I'm also trying to encourage them to see the good stuff .. and sometimes that is difficult to see. My son went and picked up a worlds greatest dad deal for fathers day and I did give him that you gotta be kidding me look and he laughed .. said well mom we can get a flag .. and I said something inappropriate like well do I get to strategically place it? He started laughing and said sure .. everyone will know his butt is the land of the free. Now I know .. NOT alanon .. they see exactly who does the work, who is there, who takes time to make sure they are safe and secure, .. they have their own frustrations and I try and validate that at the same time reminding them both he does the best that he can.
Kids are very smart and resilient .. all I can do is make sure they have outlets to their feelings. I also have seen I must be doing something right because I have had two different teachers stop me who know what is happening in terms of the divorce and say, .. you have got some very well adjusted kids. They are both very verbal, compassionate, big hearted kids who take time for others and can see what the next thing they need to do is. That is the best compliment as a parent I have ever received because my compassion tank is usually running on empty. So if I'm ok .. the kids are ok.
Best of luck and some days are easier than others .. it just takes time and effort.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi, this issue is one of the biggest in my experience. You sound like you have a healthy attitude. I never had Alanon and my 3 children were deeply affected. My son shows many of his father's isms sadly. He is 20. I'm not sure who affected them the most though me or him. I, in my guilt, over compensated and I put the idea of them and me being victims of him. Living with an alcoholic father and enabling, codependant mother was very unhealthy for my children. This is my biggest regret. If I had got alanon I would have coped so much better. It's no good going there now. Today I have got alanon and I'm a much better role model andmother. I admire you for staying it takes real ccourage. You sound like your doing a great job. Have confidence in yourself, your daughter will take your lead.x
this may be redundant as I didn't take the time to read all the above shares .. I have been here too and still am .. her dad, however, is in another state for the time claiming he has moved there. It's so sad, but there are times I am having moments of clarity. Overcompensated really just makes two parents unavailable. I can't be mom, dad, brother, sister, etc., because that's not reality. I'm Not. I'm Mom. The other piece is when I'm overcompensating I'm usually in my head with what He's Not doing again so on some level I have to be somewhat on his part of the street as well. When it comes to recognizing when someone was saying how strong they've always been, I had to stop and think of why. I thought I was one of the weakest persons in my family and other areas. What I see is I'm not the weakest. I am strong and why? The more we are hit with the emotional mental spiritual effects of the behaviors and thinking around us, we grow stronger. It never evolves like magic and was not something I was just born with as I once thought. even as I type this I see I may be hindering her future, as in finally getting through responding to you How I might be hindering hps work actually slowing him down by trying to help. If she will need strength as she gets older, how else will she find it unless God puts those in her own life who can help her build it. hmm. Apparently Gods right after all, go figure, I guess I'm really Not as wise as he is. It's so hard Not to jump in. I am Still the fix YOU personality. I love your share today because my receiving is in my giving. I'm already receiving from God because I'm giving. good for me today. hang in there.
