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i don't care if i get esh or not!! i am making my new year resolution to PRACTICE what i have learned!! and if i WRITE it enough, and SAY it enough, it will be implanted in my brain......PRACTICING all the GOOD stuff i have learned these past two years...Bcuz i am "hungry as a wolf" for healing!!!!!
TUESDAY , JANUARY 10, 2006
You are reading from the book Twenty-Four Hours a Day - Hardcover (24 Hours) </OA_HTML/ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?item=1096>.
A.A. Thought for the Day
When we were drinking, most of us were full of pride and selfishness. We believed we could handle our own affairs, even though we were making a mess of our lives. We were very stubborn and didn't like to take advice. We resented being told what to do. To us, humility looked like weakness. But when we came into A.A., we began to be humble. And we found out that humility gave us the power we needed to overcome drinking. Have I learned that there is power in humility?
>>>>>rosie>>>>oh yeah, i was so brave when drinking...to me?? the best part of it was i would get hit with one disaster after another, and NOT give a crap!!!! when i decided to face life "straight" it was almost the end of me....the disasters came...one piled on another...one disappointment after another.....too many disappointments and betrayals and misfortunes, nearly drove me to suicide...i did not understand that i needed help , SERIOUS help with my relationship with ME....from that, i believe, it branches out to life and god, but FIRST, i had to establish a relationship with ME Bcuz my hp is WITHIN me!!! so it makes sense!! "fall in love with me/ residence of my higher power (within me)".......a REAL one, with love and acceptance and nurturing and REprogramming and REparenting and giving me back all the hugs/compliments/encouragements/help/nurturing/protection/boundaries, et al that i was deprived and?? just plain ole respect for me......
>>>rosie>>>>i knew that had to come first, B4 any other relationship would happen.....life/god are the NEXT relationships i have to establish....i see it happening, in small steps....but look at the horrific damage that was done to me...i experienced ALL the abuses that can be handed to a child........physical--sexual--emotional--mental---AND spiritual abuse as well......i got it all, so its going to take time and sadly at 59, time is not in abundence...but what the hell!! i am trying...i am here....i am going to "give it a go" the best way i can.....let go what i cannot do!!!!!
>>>>rosie>>>not being humble was the FIRST obstacle in my path to recovery..i had this **fierce** will, it saved me back then, it sabotaged me in later life Bcuz surrender was NOT an option....giving up control was, to me, completely being defeated/ absorbed by the darkness...if i didn't fight and protect and resist (like in the past), i would be killed!! in my sick mind, this is what i felt...like i was hanging on with clenched hands to the edge of this big cliff, and if i let go?? i would fall into the dark pit!!!!...
>>>>i was SO helpless as a child, to compensate for that terrorizing feeling, i became obsessed with being in control...it was my "illusion" that i had some power!!!!! .....finally i was able to ADMIT my defeat, my powerlessness over the effects of the alcoholism and sex abuse that were perpetrated upon me.....i had to "belly up" and ADMIT my defeat/ my powerlessness over my own mental/emotional demons that tormented me...the addictions to fantasy/control/rage.....abusing alcohol to numb my horrendous pain.......the tremendous FEAR...the need to control to feel like i had SOME say as to what happends to me.......being humble about my "survivor skills" that were now sabotaging me.....ACCEPTING, after i admitted , my defeat....accepting that the evil and than life DID beat me down...and i needed HELP!! with a capital "H"!!! ....it was my first glimpse to some relief and healing.....i guess that was "surrendering" wasn't it??? i gave UP!!! i threw in the towel....i gave UP fighting life....i decided to COOPERATE with life, rather than fight it!!!! .....and i felt release.....
>>>rosie>>>now??? i do what i can...put one foot in front of the other.....give it all i got then RELEASE the rest FROM me and onto whatever powers in the universe care to work on it...becuz i am DETACHED....this is working for me.....being like water-- non resistant!! going around rather than through, or giving it up entirely.....water finds the path of non resistance and flows....i want to be like water.....
Meditation for the Day
I will come to God in faith and He will give me a new way of life. This new way of life will alter my whole existence, the words I speak, and the influence I have. They will spring from the life within me. I see how important is the work of a person who has this new way of life. The words and the example of such a person can have a wide influence for good in the world. Prayer for the DayI pray that I may learn the principles of the good life. I pray that I may meditate upon them and work at them, because they are eternal.
>>>>rosie>>> i open myself up to my HP, within...to guide me/ protect me/ heal me....i don't communicate with my hp in the terms of what he/she/it will do for/with me...just communication....giving over the things i cannot do anything about and leave it!!!!! i see life in TWO parts...."natural law" "spirit law" under natural law i have said, god/source/creator does NOT interfer that much......under spirit law it does--- healing from my mental/emotional AND spiritual wounds i believe there is help..but i am doing the "grunt work" the "pain work" all i see hp doing is maybe giving me the encouragement to do it??? i had to make the CHOICE to give up...give in to another way....give over to something within me that is more powerful.....the choice had to come from me....i CHOOSE to heal....i CHOOSE to recover me....i CHOOSE a better way, than previous....i CHOOSE to NOT resist life...whether i like it or not--- i will give it NON resistance and make the best of it...... TODAY i seek the priciples of a better life.....i AM better with me...i SHALL be better with my HP within, and with life!!! becuz i am OPEN...WILLING to do whatEVER i have to do to recover.....
