The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life is a journey. For me, the journey with my AH began 32 years ago. I was 20 years old and full of all the hope and excitement a new marriage brings. Over the years, it became apparent to me that this journey was not going to be anywhere close to what I was dreaming about the day I said, "I Do." The disease of alcoholism slowly took hold and for the last 15 years I have been on the "crazy train" that comes with the disease. Interventions, rehabs, relapses, and so forth have been the insanity I allowed in my own life and the lives of my two children. This past January, I said to myself, "Enough is enough." I don't know why it took me so long? I always thought one day my AH would come to his senses and get sober for good. Well, I didn't understand the disease of alcoholism. The pure insanity of the disease. Al-anon has been a saving grace for me. It allowed me to understand that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and most importantly, I can't cure it. That is in MHP hands, not mine. I love my husband with all my heart, and always will. It is like a death, but the person is still there. The only thing I know is that the journey continues. MHP has a plan for my life. One with joy, peace and serenity. I am not there yet, and some days are full of tears, but I continue to believe that I have to let go of my AH and give him over to MHP. I filed for divorce this past January. I live with my 19 year daughter who is going to college. Our lives are full of peace and joy for the first time. Life isn't perfect, it's a journey.
I sure needed to read your post today. We alanoners have a knack for holding on to the idea that there's something we could have done....better, differently, less, more and that somehow it would have some kind of impact. I have been in a long marriage where there is still real love also but have come to the same decision you described. It is terrible, awful, and full of hope.
Wishing you strength and serenity in the next part of this journey.
It's a hard choice. I too, am in the craziness and love the AH, but am sad to think that it will end. I am working with saying what I mean without saying it mean. But it's hard, as I get depressed when I realize how few people do make it through the insanity with an intact marriage. That realization is a hard one to swallow. But the ESH that I read and get here is priceless. It helps with the pain. Thank you for your post.
I appreciate your courage. I have found it difficult to let go of a 5 year relationship that I ended 2 years ago (alcoholic/bipolar). Unfortunately, love has little to do with such painful decisions. I am still judging myself harshly for having left him, miss him terribly still and struggle with obsessive thoughts. I hope you don't give yourself grief for not having left sooner... as you say... it is a journey! Wishing you continued strength. Thanks for being here.
Thank you everyone for your kind words of support. I love that there are so many people here going through the same kinds of struggles and we can share our hopes and fears with no fear of judgement. I also pray for continued strength and courage for all of you!
