How to detach from my Mothers crap - Al-Anon Family Group

sportychick · Member

How to detach from my Mothers crap

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Boundaries - I totally get where you are coming from. It's hard to draw boundaries with your mom. She's the one that was supposed to teach them to you - yet you needed alanon to learn them. Deep breath. Pray to your HP and follow what you know is right and not the script that played out from your childhood that got you sick in the first place.

You have awesome insight and I can read it in your post. There is a way to talk to your mom tactfully and without hurting her feelings. If you do hurt her feelings - Oh well. You didn't intend to and you were being true to yourself.

I might be tempted to say something like "Mom, I love you, but the whole facebook thing is for my friends. You are my mom and what we share is way beyond facebook. We already live together. What am I going to post that you don't know about? Hey mom, I'm in the kitchen?" Seriously. Even if you weren't living with her now - It may upset her to hear "it's for my friends" and to have a boundary drawn with her like that. It may hurt for her to have to face that she's your mom and not your friend. She might cite that you have cousins or siblings on facebook. You do have the right to say "that's not the same." You don't even have to explain it. That's her problem.

Boundaries don't need a whole lot of explaining. They just need to be stated and backed up. I empathize with you. Sounds kind of like my mom in which I am like "I love you very very much but don't get all up in my business." My mom would be high up on the list of folks I would go to for serious emotional support in the event of crisis or hardship (kind of sounds similar to you) but I would go NUTS with her all up in all my affairs. You are not alone.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi SC. sounds like you really know your program.
I am learning that the time to set boundaries in the right way is at the beginning, like when I'm not happy with someone's behaviour.
That is your FB page.
There are times I have to tolerate and understand and ignore stuff.
there are also times I need to say something.

If it is an acquaintance and they're obviously just causing trouble I just block them and I don't need to explain.
If I am in a real relationship with someone I can use my relationship tools to speak up and ask questions with respect.
If The person just doesn't get it after I do that, I can tell them how I feel and that if it happens again I will not be able to have them in my space in that context.

And I better not need anything from them later!

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Pinkchip is right on the money.

Besides, I don't know too many people that are on f/b that have their Mother on there and if your Mom asks I would make light of it, because she will ask and confront you.

The bigger deal you make of it, the bigger deal she will make. My Mom doesnt know how to use the computer, but I would never allow her on my F/B, just for privacy issues.

Good Luck!!

Bettina

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grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And, as a Mom, I can say I don't want to know everything there is to know about my adult children's lives. Better I'm in the dark. It's more peaceful that way and I can sleep better, too. :

sportychick · Member

Thank-you so much this is exactly what I needed to read

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Its very ok to love others, but not their behavior. I don't feel there is anything wrong with not wanting a parent on my facebook. To me it is as easy as saying, "Mom I really need my privacy in some things." Its the truth.

You are an adult,its ok to make your boundaries.

Mark aka pink chip is right on.

My kids definitely let me know they had boundaries. I respect them for that. Its hard to just stop being a mom. lol I had to tell my mother to stop mommying me! lol

Hugs, debilyn

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