Hugs,

These are all very good questions and all questions you can and will answer at some point when you are ready. Chances are as far as visitation goes he will quickly loose interest and won't want the kids even when he's suppose to have them. IF he's had trouble with the law you can require specific things. As far as being taken to the cleaners make sure that you check out your options and talk to an atty before taking this attitude things might go much better than you realize.

Hugs P :)

Sending love and support to you, hugs P :)

Lots of issues for you to sort out. Al Anon rule of thumb - When in doubt, don't. I struggled with the same questions while married. It took me quite some time. Then, one day, my 3 year old who had come downstairs from his bed, watched my X throw me into a wall, spit in my face, curse me with vile language (because I took longer than the 20 minutes he gave me to go to the grocery store and return) and that was it. I didn't talk to him about it. I just knew that I was done. I waited for guidance from my HP - got it - and took advantage of my X's partying ways - suggested he spend the weekend with friends, changed the locks - and told him I was going to divorce him. He didn't contest it. He really didn't want to be married or to be a father - he just wanted the security of having somebody there to abuse and therefore feel powerful. The courts decided which bills each of us were to pay and released each of us from the others' responsibilities. I paid my bills. He never paid his.

I sure don't want the same thing for you that happened for me and my kids, but I can tell you that you will know when enough is enough and your HP will guide you and give you the energy you need to do what you need to do.

I do want to affirm you for not engaging with the A when drunk and for trying to keep it together as best you can. I know from experience how terribly stressful and challenging that all is. I do want to say that if you decide you are going to divorce your "A," you aren't breaking up your family.
You are choosing to create a life for yourself and for your children that is healthier than living with somebody who may not want to grow up yet.
You have enough on your shoulders without blaming yourself for a progressive disease that is responsible for putting you in a position that requires you to be thinking about separation or divorce at all as far as my perspective goes on these kinds of things.

Much support and understanding.

 

Aloha Sookie.  I also use to stumble around searching for the "will of God" until I tired myself completely out which is where my HP wanted me to be...sitting still and being quiet otherwise I wasn't in the position to listen and learn.  When I was still and quiet and keeping an open mind as directed in the closing statement of our face to face meetings, I heard this..."Love God with your whole mind, body and spirit and your neighbor as yourself"..."Okay got it!!  Unconditional love for everyone unconditionally just as I love myself.   Seemed really clear at the time and I had to learn how to love myself as I was attempting to and loving others...Okay got it!!  Enable myself as I enabled my alcoholic/addict...Okay got it!!  The playing field got real level then and still is.   Of course I love God as my Father and the Father of all others...fact is I have learned and for me accept that the name of God is Love and so I have the example on how to do this thing...okay got it!!   You're loving yourself and you're loving your alcoholic...keep on keeping on...how your alcoholic feels about it and how your are doing it, like it or not, is not your choice...tis his and he isn't seeing your way as his way...that's okay and that's what is turned over.   I love the thread.  Thank you (((((hugs))))) 

Sookie,

I so understand your dilemma, your fears and your pain. I too am separated from by AH. We will be married 32 years this month. I have filed for divorce and I am the sole bread winner with a 19 year old in college. I know the divorce will financially hurt me, but I need serenity more. My AH just finished his 4th rehab visit this past May. I was hopeful when he got out since he was saying all the right things and living in a sober house. I found out today that he was kicked out of the sober house and is back to drinking. The roller coaster of emotions is overwhelming at times. One thing I do know is that that the longer he is out of my world, the more peace and serenity my daughter and I have. Going to Alanon meetings has helped me so much. I pray the serenity prayer every day and live one day at a time.

I will keep you and your children in my prayers.