The material presented
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My AH and I finally had a real discussion this morning about the thousand of dollars of debt he managed to accumulate over the last two years. I have been paying all the credit card bills, but the budget is so tight, we barely have anything left over each month. It is scary. In the last two weeks he starting doing some part time work for his brother, but the money he earns is is barely enough to pay for his gas and cigarettes, so it's not making any real impact on the debt.
BTW, the credit cards are all in his name only, so technically, I have no obligation to pay any of these. I could just say no, and he would be forced to deal with it, get a job, declare bankruptcy, who knows? But our house is in both our names, so if he defaults on the debt, there is a real chance the creditors could go after our home, which is something I don't want to happen.
So we talked about some ways to attack this debt. He could get a real job, but with all his health issues (mental and physical) and the struggle with early sobriety, I just don't think that is a realistic option today. He hasn't worked in over 6 years, it's not like he could go out tomorrow and get a full time job. Or maybe that's me enabling him?
We could sell one of our two cars, saving on gas, insurance, etc. but that scares me, we'd both lose some independence, I'd have to trust him not to crash up the car and drive drunk...lots of thoughts on that. And how would he get to meetings?
We could refinance the house, but that really scares me. He is barely 2 weeks sober, what if I take on all this huge debt with him, and in six months he just goes and does something crazy again? What if I finally decide I want to leave him, but then I'm saddled with all this debt?
So I shared all my concerns with him, as kindly and as honestly as I could. He was remorseful and understanding, and also ashamed. I also admitted that while he is responsible for the debt, I am responsible for not paying attention over the last number of years, just letting him have complete control of my money. I never even looked at the bank statements until 6 months ago. If I had been more involved in my own finances, it never would have gotten as bad as this.
Anyway, I was feeling pretty good after our conversation. It's the first time in months that we've actually TALKED. I left it that I'd consider refinancing or co-signing some sort of consolidation loan, but I needed to see at least one month of true sobriety before we could go that route. I need to see that he is really committed to recovery. He agreed that was reasonable.
And then, as I was feeling so good, my car decided it was time for the axle and rear suspension to fall apart! I was driving to a counseling session, and lost control of the car. Luckily I was only a block from home and able to get back safely. But in the end, the car is going to need $2400 in repairs. It is a 14 year old car, so I'm not sure what to do. Do I add another $2400 to our debt, do I give up and buy a new car (but how would I afford the monthly payment??) or is this HP saying, "YES you only need one car!"
I felt like we had a plan...wait one month, and then take some action on finances..but HP is now forcing me to speed up that timeline. I am feeling overwhelmed, but trying to just let it go for now. I will meditate and pray and hopefully find some guidance.
Not sure of your credit rating but as Dave Ramsey says. Housing, food and lights first then whatever you can. You can call the CC companies and ask for min/reduced payments ( interest only maybe) until your up on your feet. Lot of CC companies deal with everyday because of lost jobs and this economy. My son got that for 6 months....though he didn't follow through. As far as the car go's, you might have to let it sit for a while and have only one for the month. Hopefully the AH will kick it into gear. Any min wage job will get at least 1000 per month towards bills and that nothing to sneeze about.
Like you say take the month to see what happens with your AH....
((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I'm not sure, but alanon is all about the alcoholic having responsibility for his own mistakes. It really sounds like you are tempted to rescue which may lead to resentment and him playing the role of victim who needs you to save him. Can you see a lawyer about getting the house in your name only and then let him have his own consequences. He spent the money and you are a separate person, why would you take this from him and claim it as your own? I have learned through years of doing this that it never works when we try to fix someone else's mistakes. His hp gave him this not you.x
I agree with el-cee. I would get a free consult with an attorney to at least find out what my options would be. When I start spinning in my head, I go into fact finding/research gathering so I have the accurate info so I can make choices more logically. As far as your hubbie goes, see him in his highest self, whatever that looks like to you..he is not fragile and can handle a full time job. He needs to figure out how to dig out of the mess he created, but he won't if he does not have to. A man child does not make a suitable husband. And a month of recovery (not just sobriety) is not nearly enough time...you both to discuss again at a year. Give yourself time to trust, and a year may not be long enough. You call these shots.
What physical problems does he have? Do you know how many jobs are out there that he could get where he barely has to move? Security guard? Telemarketer? Whatever. Try not to make excuses for him. Your post makes it sound like you are dealing with a teenager that is getting reprimanded for overspending his allowance or stealing mom's credit card.
This is about you. It's about what you can accept. If this is ruining your life then you somehow might benefit from detaching from the parts of him that drag you down so that you can either choose to love him or choose to leave him. If he is going to not work, he should probably find a way to live within the means of a disability check and maybe even apart from you (that doesn't mean get a divorce or stop loving him - it means let him have his own mess so he can have the consequences or fix them himself).
I got sober and never missed a day of work. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I have seen a shrink since I was 23. I am not great or special but I needed to sober up and grow up so bad. I am not a victim and anyone else that buys that I am is hurting me. Try and get out of the way so he can grow up too or at least so he had have the dignity of trying and failing on his own.
Your post has you going "I worry about his with HIM, this with HIM, and then there's this factor about HIM, and because of HIM I am worried about X, Y, and Z and what if HE does blah blah." I empathize but your life is still being dominated by him and his disease. What about YOU? This is your life and you are an entirely separate being from him. You don't need to own his problems. It is not selfish or wrong to metaphorically change the channel from the "tragic emotionally stunted A show" to the "Fabulous self-care Parismemories Show!" Sounds much more interesting huh?
A friend of mine divorced her husband so that she could separate her finances from his. He stopped drinking, but she knows that he can relapse at any time. For that reason, although they live together and have a very good relationship, she will not remarry him. She doesn't want her living situation to be compromised by his disease. Whatever you decide to do, his finances are not your issue and you have the right - married or not - to separate your finances from his to protect yourself. Good luck.
On the advice of my tax attorney, I told my AH that I wanted to separate so that I could protect myself financially. His business debt and IRS liabilities were a threat to my wages being garnished and my good credit being destroyed. In the end, he said we would either stay together or get a divorce, no in between. I made the tough decision to start divorce proceedings. I ultimately agreed to put the house in his name only and I got my own apartment.
That was two years ago. Today, I have no debt, my credit is great and I have money in the bank so that I can save for my own place in a few years. He passed away four months ago from the effects of his drinking. My counselor suggested two years ago that if our marriage could not be be saved, at least try to save myself. And that's what I did, with the help of my HP and Al-Anon.
Sending you lots of ESH right now as you face some difficult challenges.
Just a reminder that you can get a used car for $2400 -- you don't have to go into more debt to do it. I wonder if you could consult an attorney about how to separate your finances from his. It sounds as if his debt is quite serious and you shouldn't be on the line to pay it off -- an attorney might suggest some solutions for the house problem. Do take good care of yourself.
As always, thank you all for taking the time to respond. This is a difficult time, with many hard decisions to be made. I realize that nothing changes if nothing changes. I also know that I can trust God to guide me in making the right choices. I have faith that despite how dire things appear, good things are happening.
