"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

the last weekend

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can very much relate to your post! He sounds much like my exAH whom I still love. I left when it got to be too much for me and I took our 2 daughters. We are now thriving and stable. My 15 year old has held straight A's for her freshman year and my 4 year old is settling down after her first full year of school. Things will be okay, just sometimes they take some creativity. I am relaxed for the most part and funnier. It comes with a huge upside and at times I see the downside, sometimes it is easier to have a 2 parent home, but I know it is better to give my children a healthy one parent home so they can see one of us thriving. I know the emotions are coming at you, guilt and all kinds of fun things, heck I still feel it 2 years later at times, but I shake it off knowing he has to be responsible for him and his choices. I can only be accountable for me and mine. This is not an easy walk, but I suddenly had time and energy when I found myself on my own and started a few new healthy hobbies and felt so very empowered. The adjustments will take time, I upped my al-anon to 3 meetings a week and saw my sponsor one evening a week in the heat of it. I actually miss how great I felt in first months on my own for the first time. I am sending you much love and support!

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

This sounds familiar- my exAH still doesn't see it, says that I quit on the marriage, etc. He attended AA but did not stop being an active A- so this created an even higher level for his rationalizations and manipulations. It was seductive when I believed that I had the power to fix things, when I took the bait- hook, line, and sinker (sinker being the key operative).

It takes so much courage to make changes. I know that if I am true to myself and making healthy choices that I am on the right path, regardless of what any one else is doing... much easier said than done. In support.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The denial is astounding, isn't it? You've done all the good things you have despite the dead weight of your husband's alcoholism, and he's discounting the struggle it's been -- "See, you all managed not to be a train wreck! So my chaos and bad behavior are just fine!"

It's the denial that's the problem, isn't it? If he could actually acknowledge the impact of his addiction, then the relationship would have a chance. He thinks the denial will keep doom away -- just making his own reality out of thin air -- but it's the denial that's assuring the problem can't be solved.

Hang in there. The CrazyTrain is about to leave the station.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Ladies...(((((Hugs)))))....I am reminded here that the saying within the "ODAAT" daily reader is absolutely true...."Courage is fear that has said it's prayers". Courage is here in this post. The courage of the women in Al-Anon rooms is what supported me in digging my own butt out of the blame pit and taking my own inventory to see what was my part in it and then asking what I could do about it.

Denial within manipulation...is stunning to read and also amazing to watch. That you gals have learned not to bite into it and get hooked anymore and to exercise the courage to change the things you can is inspiriing. It mentors me to do the same. That is our Al-Anon Family. I'm grateful to be a part of it. (((((hugs))))) smile

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

http://alanon.activeboard.com/t38730205/okay-so-what-can-we-do/

Hi Mary - I send you the above link, for encouragement today. You are you, and you are entitled to your feelings and beliefs, whether he is willing/able to acknowledge them or not.... I love the attached post (by Toby Rice Drews), that reminds us of so much, including the fact that we (most often) won't get acknowledgment or credit in taking care of ourselves, at least from our A's...

Take care

tom

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

It's hard and sad and disappointingand scary but also exiting, peaceful and calm. When I left I didn't make a clean break I hung on in his life for a while but it didn't work out well. I began to be aware of the truth I came out from denial and there's no going back in. After awareness comes acceptance of everything, my relationships, his alcoholism, the past and for me feelings came like intense anger but it passed.use your program during this time. You will go through many emotions for a while but they do pass and then comes serenity that is precious. You have handled yourself so well throughout.x

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

You've gotten some wonderful ESH here. I can offer my support and encouragement to say 'hang in there'! The denial and the reality that the A's live in is not the same as the reality we live in. They want you to help them keep up the facade. Yet, what I always remind myself is that not all marriages work out anyway, even if there is no alcoholism or addiction. Sometimes things just don't work out and it's nobody's 100% fault, right? So, just keep doing what you need to do for you and take life one day or one minute at a time, whatever you need. HUGS!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

So much courage and strength it has taken to be in the same home with him for the past several weeks. Your family, including him, are lucky to have you in spite of the co-dependency. We do what we need to do to survive, right? When he leaves you will have the freedom to feel your emotions full on and get healthy support when they get to be too much to handle on your own...and they might. One Day at a Time, you will thrive, not just survive.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs YF,

Thinking of you today, it IS scary to take the changes that we don't know how things will and won't work out .. it's a lot of trust in HP and ourselves. I know taking that leap of faith can be daunting and I continue to second guess myself.

Know yourself and know your truth .. sending lots of love and support your way,

Hugs P :)

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all so much; I come here when I am feeling strong and I come here when I'm feeling weak. I come here when I am feeling good and when I am feeling less than good. Every single time I come here I learn something, that is a fact. Tom, thanks for the link, I have only read Getting them Sober once, a few months ago so it was great to have a refresher on that!

I agree with Jerry that there is something unique about the ladies of alanon! Haha--we are all courageous, guys and ladies and that's the truth.

The actual moveout is Tues June 4 so I forewarn you that more posts will be coming!

Mary

Ms S · Veteran Member

keep the posts coming - we need them too
I like what you said about learning something every time you come here - me too!

blondie99 · Veteran Member

Dear (((Yanks))) - I'll be sending lots of good mojo your way over the next several days. My ESH? It was incredibly helpful for me to feel ALL the feelings that came my way when my XAH finally came and got his belongings and moved on. I'm sure people thought I was manic because I was crying one moment and laughing the next. It's all part of the process, my dear friend. Please lean on us for support in cyberspace and most importantly, get thyself to F2F meetings and with those who love and support you. Let us all encircle you with faith and love.
Thinking of you :)
Blondie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"