Judging my Mother again on fb in fact! - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Judging my Mother again on fb in fact!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My Mom is writing on facebook how she is on this diet that her Doctor had put her on, which I am proud of her because she is way overweight. Growing up she was always heavy, but now it is seriously dangerous and hard on her knees and she works long days and work hours. So anywho she is writing about how she is eating her healthy dinner and then had to make her pothead live in bf a steak and gravy dinner and it tempted her. For the past 5 years she has babied this man who has never held a job and moved from his mothers house in with my mom, they are 56 years old now.

Whatever this is none of my business and since living across the country for the past 11 years I have stayed dettached, but this one got to me. We are talking about a hard as nails women who would blow her top at us growing up over everything. There was no catering to her husband of 30 years or either of her children. So here I am feeling like now she softens up just in time to baby this grown man! Again I know none of my business, but I commented on her fb post saying wow I don't remember being catered too and she lets loose with this whole that was a different lifetime ago and how now she is happy and her and the bf take good care of each other and it works for them. I said I was glad it worked for them and that she was finally happy, I said yes she deserves it.

All this leaves a bad taste in my mouth, the first 30 years of my life she is unhappy being married to my father and raising me and my brother abusing us all mercilessly and now for the last 5 years she finally finds happiness because she can be selfish and not have to be doing anything for her children although she has a full grown one on her hands now? I know I know none of this usually gets to me at all. Why after seeing her partying and regress into childlike behavior since my dad died does this bother me now? My whole family is estranged and has A tendencies and I get it.

I so want to be 100 times the Mother she ever was and enjoy life while raising my kids and do fun family things without having to control it all. I am getting better everyday, so why do I still want to take her to task, when I realize she is not an accountable person. MY exAH was atleast honest about who he was and his wrongs, but she is out in outer space and I am put off about it. Bring me the ESH!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Breaking Free I believe I can identify--- not so much with the exact experience that you shared but in the feelings of my childhood and wanting so much for my mom to be different or at least admit her WRONGS

My sponsor kept asking me :"What is the exact nature of the wrong that you feel? Why the Anger, resentment, self pity and fear ? Is it that your mom was not the mother you needed or wanted and now she appears able to be kinder and gentler to another? Yes all that was true. She then suggested that in order for me to recover, I had to "Let Go "of expecting to change my childhood and the past. I needed to accept that I cannot make it better no matter how mad I get or hard I try. This is when I finally accepted my powerlessness over my past and became entirely ready to have HP lift my shortcomings.

Today I can talk about my childhood, my past see the reality and truth and not feel the feelings associated with the memory. Thank you HP

You are doing well Keep the focus on yourself, your growth, your life and trust HP to do the rest

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Breaking and thanks for the post and reminder...I mostly went Hotrod's way and her sponsor sounded very similar to mine in inventoring the process I was stuck in. Because what I was doing was resenting my sponsor, who was teaching me "the opposites" encouraged and supported me into forgiveness. I shortened the amount of time that I was in the problem I was powerless over and increases my work in being forgiving. When my mind by default started complaining, judging, critizing and crying with remorse...I kicked it out of my head and went into forgiveness mode. My mother wasn't the only target I practices on...when I was in that negative whiney, cry baby attitude...everyone and anyone would and could become a target. I got sick of it...literally.

I got so much great feedback from the Al-Anon Family where I attended including this priceless piece of vision..."She did the best she could with what she had". That piece of truthful awareness took my mother out of range of my condemnation and I began to see her in a very different light. It helped me to add the good stuff about my mom into the perception and our relationship changed drastically. She allowed me to do an inventory on the past with her face to face where I'm sure the one who benefitted most was me; she didn't love doing it however she did it and my recovery grew because I was talking with a first hand witness to past negative events in my life. I will be forever grateful.

I judge today using the question "How would I be thinking, feeling and acting if I were in the same situation" ...I did it yesterday with a craftsman who was doing good work for me and I later told him about it. The question sets me up to feeling gratitude for the good I am getting rather than drawing me into criticism and judgement. I will not take the opportunity to go public with a complaint or judgement about any other person because of the "3 fingers point back" Al-Anon lesson.

This is a great post and I will be returning to read and learn from those coming up. Mahalo for your courage and honesty. Let it go and Let God have her/it.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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