Hi, my name is "red" new - Al-Anon Family Group

Redfraggle · Member

Hi, my name is "red" new

Redfraggle · Member

Hi!

My name is Red and i'm new to this group and Al-anon in general. I'm young (33) and have 2 young kids (not in school yet). I've been with DH since I was 18 and we got married after I graduated college in 2004. I met him when he was in the Coast Guard, he drank like a 20 year old enlisted Coastie...problem is, when he got out...he continued to drink like that. There were plenty of times i threatened to leave, I got angry...I cried, I screamed. I like to talk about it in metaphor, the drinking is holding me underwater, it's drowning me...I'm doing EVERY thing defensively I can think of to get it's hands off from around my neck. But it won't let go. Sure, it lets up every now and then, I catch my breath, I get a smidgen of hope...but then suddenly, and recently without warning...it just starts strangling me all over again...drowning me.

This time I've accepted, finally...that to love him, to love myself, to love my kids...i have to let go. I finally did that, I finally told him. He finally went to a 28 day outpatient treatment, he goes 4 nights a week for a month. I was so excited! Lacking in trust but excited. He and I had a myriad of amazing and insightful conversations, that led to me feeling trust for him again, which led to me being intimate with him again...that had been over 2 months since that day...I go to family night with him. It's become more than apparent to me since last night that he is not putting in the effort that i originally thought he was. So...I need some help making sure I remain detached and let go.

I was ok with this last night...I realized this morning...that I feel off...on a whim, I took a pregnancy test...and yeah...my feelings of attraction and intimacy have led me to hopefully a happy and healthy baby # 3 (pregnancy # 4). I at first panicked, DH didn't want another one...I physically will have difficulty with a 3rd. OUr youngest is 20 months and I just didn't want to make any permanent decisions until she was 2 (b/c that's when I FINALLY wanted another one after baby #1). while I freaked out for about 10 min about how DH will respond, a sense of peace came over and me and said "it doesn't matter," these are the things that matter 1) I am responsible for exactly 3 people right now...me, my 2 kiddos...2) I want this baby regardless of the circumstances 3) DH may or may not be upset...so what...that's ok, he can feel however he needs to feel 4) This is scary and i'm nervous and that's ok. I feel like I "know" a whole lot about me right now...but looking for support. I'm not as calm and zen like as I'm writing it out here.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm going to address the baby issue here and let others give you support regarding the drinking issue. My sister is married to a sex addict who has repeatedly cheated on her, had online affairs, watches porn obsessively, etc. She is 34, by the way, and has been with this man since they were 18, hence the reason I found your story interesting. About 3 years ago she felt that he was changing, making an effort to get healthy, and she slept with him after holding back for a few months. They got pregnant with their second. She was terribly upset, beat herself up for sleeping with him again, she even hated the baby for a time there while pregnant. Her son is now 22 months and they have a 7 year old, as well. She has been through hell and back with this man, who just left her(and the kids) again for a new girlfriend across the country, but she will always see her children as a blessing. She knows those kids are her foundation, her sanity, and a privilege to parent and enjoy. While she was pregnant, her husband slept with the office slut and gave my sister HPV for which she had to be treated. He hasn't worked in a year, smokes pot daily now, and yet she knows that her kids are going to be fine because they are with her and she is providing them with safety and love as best as she can. I guess what I'm getting at now is that YOU will be OK. YOU will find your peace and serenity no matter what the outcome is with your husband.

One of the things we learn in Al Anon is that we give others back their emotions, let them be who they need to be, and we learn to take care of ourselves. We take responsibility for our emotions, not the emotions of others(that's on them). I understand the lack of trust thing, I struggle with it too. Take things one day at a time, give your husband over to a Higher Power(God, if that is your higher power) and let him go. Give yourself over to God and trust His plans for you, because they are perfect plans and you are right where he wants you to be. I have learned that my path is different from my AH's path and that it is that way for a reason. Hang in there, trust in something bigger than yourself, and you will find that zen you are looking for! Hugs!

Redfraggle · Member

Thank you ilovedogs! I appreciate the sharing! My heart breaks for your sister...wow...just...wow...

I am working on having faith in what i'm going to call..."reality"...the reality is, DH has a problem and so do I. The reality is i've been enabling him to this life just as much as he's been drinking towards it. The reality is i'm done...

I'm not a religious person, I can't "give myself to God"...I'm ethnically Jewish, and relate culturally to my people, but not religiously. I'm comfortable with the universe and reality and science. Even if I have to leave my DH, I will ALWAYS want this baby. I've had one loss and I'm scarred to death I may have another. I'm physically disabled. This is gonna be hard. But it's gonna happen. Children are a blessing. They just are. I love my DH and he loves me and this baby was also created in love. I'm a very accomplished professional with very high degrees. I'm home with a sick kid today so I get to rumminate over this. IT's a GOOD thing. I needed time to think about it. It's when I distract myself that's the problem.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Red,

You do sound quite zen in your post This is a great supportive forum with lots of experience and wisdom that is freely shared. We have been where you are and can support you through your experiences. It would be most helpful for you to find al anon meetings where you live, so you can receive face to face support/ strength and a good working knowledge/experience of how to integrate the 12 steps into your life (and some pretty great hugs if you are so inclined) There are also online meetings posted on this forum. You sound like a loving mama, so this baby will come out waiting for kisses...take care.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Animals are wonderful healers and protectors. Yes, come to the online meetings and read posts from other people. There is another forum which you can find on this site just for working the steps. Also, a good little daily reader is "Courage to Change"; I believe it can be ordered through Amazon. It is part of my morning routine...gives me good stuff to reflect on during the day.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome and keep coming back. Making it to meetings and reading all things al-anon in my first year helped me to learn and grow into a much more dettached and healthy young woman. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am sending you love and support on your journey!

Redfraggle · Member

Thank you all. Feeling welcomed!

I'm more excited than freaked out the last day or so. AH is seeming to also be excited? He said to me yesterday, "do you know why this is good? because you've never been pregnant while i've been sober, now I get to REALLY go through it with you and not just next to you." It melted my heart, but my trust is just still so...lacking...it will take time but I am very very hopeful.

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