The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So Much Always Going on in this Disease... Seems it Latches hold of me, and I am Constantly Fighting to stay up & above where I once was...
Did ya Ever Loss somthing or someone that you could talk to about anything, cry & pout or Share your Happiness... Well that is where I'm At! I am the Type that when I Commit to a Friendship/Relationship I Commit Whole Heartedly... And usually go above & beyond to do for them as I would like to be done to me! Not really "Expecting" anything, but knowing that you can trust them, and they wont make you regret it later!
Welp thats where I"m at... I have a Ton of Program Family that I Speak to regularly, but thru past Pains I Seem to withdraw in fear of being Let down, or Hurt again! Then when i am sitting in my own little Self Pity Pot Days, I really wish I had that Person, that could just get were I am without Judgement of Condimnation, and help me Pull myself up out of the ditch...
I am a Talker "Hints all my LONG Post" =) but I'm also a "Thinker" that Over thinks Every Single thing under the big beautiful Sun... I Feel In my Mind I am Constantly trying to "Read Peoples minds" figure out their Angle, and what their next move is, so that I can Prepare myself for the Good, Bad or the Ugly! Now Rationally... I Know this Don't work! But it is a Charater Defect that has been Knawling at me for Some time!
My Marriage has had Many Ups & Downs, and my Recovery has def. made a "Good" Impact, however I Still Catch myself tryin so hard to make "HIS" day better, or Less Stressful, and yet find myself "STRESSED", I feel I am Constantly tryin to find that balance between what is MINE & what is theirs...
Now i Do My Slogans, and they help, but sometimes I can get on that "Wooo is Me" Wagon, and when i do I Over think 10X worse! I know I have alot of work to do in this department between My own, Issues, and those that I Create in my mind with my over Obsessive "Stinking Thinking" ...
I Pray everyday For a Compassionate/Loving Soul... One that can Let Go of the Past, and the Hurt that not only was caused To Me! But that I Caused as well.. I'm not in any form of Denial on my Part... I know i have Wrongfully accusing at times, and maybe didn't make Myself Clear enough at times, which lead to mis understandings, & Untruths... And I also know I am Human and Make Mistakes! Can't say I'm excellent on making my ammends right away, but I Do try... Its seems I must "Think" on them first to attempt to "Handle/Control" it better next time.. Alot of time I don't Realize I even did them... and AGAIN... the Over Thinking/Projecting/and maybe even the Mis-guided thought of Control may play its part as well...
Mentally I Dont believe in my Heart I am Trying to Control things, but sometimes My Actions do not forsee what my motives are or should be at that time... I am Quick to JUMP and do what is Ask, instead of slowly goin into it with an Open Mind of: "Am I Enabling again? Am I Doing it out of Love or Obligation? Do I Even WANT To do it? and this is with ALL aspect of my life...
With all that is going on with my AGram's Stroke, My Sons Sinus Infection, My Migrains, and the Stresses around me with my A's... I just get to the point where my Sanity slowly but surely seems further & further away... Its so hard to sit there night after night with My Gram, and just BE! Too sit there & See her Confusion, to wonder everytime I walk in the door if she knows Who I am? To be able to Comfort her & Give her what she needs Even tho most times she can't verbally tell me what that is... The Caretaker in me wants to FIX IT! But the reality is, Shes in HP's Hands... Not Mine! And there are days that Kills me inside! On Good Days, I am So Thankful, on Bad Days I am So Drained with Emotions, I Sit Most days & Just Cry in my Car before I Leave, just to get it out of my head, to Release her Over & Over again to her HP...So as Not to Carry it Home with me, and put my family thru anymore Sadness...
This past weekend I Did as my Aunt Demanded & took 4days with just my family! It was Great having that time with them, but at the same time, I still felt like I should have been there... keeping her Company and assuring her that we would get thru this... and that she wasn't just going to be "Left" there...
Life is such a Struggle at times... It becomes overwhelming... Tho I only have 2 meetings a week, I Need MORE! I Need all the Program I Can get, Just not enough hours in the day to make all of them and still take care of AGram, my Family & Myself... So Grateful to have this place to Fall... at this point it seems THIS PLACE IS My Current BFF... Because with out it I don't know where I would be...
You and your family are in my prayers. Please remember that we are powerless. I have found that when i surrender to HPs will as the 11th Step suggests - He gives me the Power to carry it out
Then when i am sitting in my own little Self Pity Pot Days, I really wish I had that Person, that could just get were I am without Judgement of Condimnation, and help me Pull myself up out of the ditch... (This sounds like the service of a sponsor. Do you have one?) I know for me, my hp is God but I respect every perception. All I know is in my experience with sponsoring, HP gives sponsors who really work the steps such a grace to not judge or condemn and to provide light for another to climb by his/her grace out of the pit so to speak. I know when I'm sponsoring, it's never me; it's God and me listening and then sharing with another who hears when they are ready. Still I can say it's the love & wisdom that heals. Love is the essence of all healing. What a gift for me in return. Service through sponsorship or any other type of position is love made visible.
I can relate to you so much, I am a talker and a thinker too. I love your long posts and how you weave you life stories her for us to read with truth and vulnerablility. I am sending you so much love and support right now while you walk through this part of your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you always, and the Prayers are So Need & Appreciated... AGram had a Horrible Day Wens. Yesterday was an Improvement, but still not back to where she was before her bad day! So still A LONG Way to Go... I Feel Blessed that you Share Yourself & Your Recovery with me, and am Very Grateful :)
(((MeTwo2)))
Yes I do have a Sponser, however in our Small Town there truly isn't many available that have anything close to my Backround... and the one that I do have has Night Hours, and I'm only available thru the Day! So if We Cross paths with her Work & Mine, then its pretty much a miriacle! I know she Means well, she just can't be there as much as I Currently need which leaves me feeling very Overwhelmed... I do have other in the Program I can talk to, and I have another Lady that Does Jump in as Much as she can as well... But I am one that don't like to be a Constant Downer all the time, and bring that to others doors constantly, and sadly... Since Mothers Day when I Found My AGram with a Stroke! There hasn't been Many Good Days! But I Do know its In God's Hands, and I am Aware of what I need to do! Its just convincing my Mind to agree! So Thank You for Sharing... i'm truly grateful for all of ya's ((((Breaking Free)))))
Thank You So Very Much for the Love & the Prayers, God Knows I need them... And Again, Very Grateful For you taking the time to respond... I Look forward to ALL of Your Wisdom, and do Very Much Appriciate it!
So Much Always Going on in this Disease... Seems it Latches hold of me, and I am Constantly Fighting to stay up & above where I once was...
