So...had an enjoyable weekend with close friends (of us as a couple) The husband is a functioning alcoholic and the wife is a recovering alcoholic...waiting for a liver. So it was not as "normal" as normal could be, but not the usual isolation. It was nice to be able to connect with someone again and feel normal. It was also nice to be able to connect with someone (besides you all) who wouldn't judge us because of my AH. 

I feel like I am reconnecting with the real me. I have admitted to my AH that every week for maybe 5-10 years I have thought about leaving..that was a burden on me. He sort of wasn't surprised, was a bit sad, and understanding - what I needed for a change. I have been trying to clearly set boundries..in my own mind as well as verbally. This is what is acceptable, this is not. My huband in his more sober hours seems to understand. During/after arguements he has even said to me okay we can work on that. WOW. In the rest of the hours my life seems to be chaos. I have still not yet learned how not to contribute to it. (to my defense..it was my time of the month and I generally have extreme moodswings). 

I did react strongly to his "behavior" which of course set off his strong behavior...I left..luckily had my purse...forgot my glasses, and grabbed my new puppy. Found a hotel...went to walmart and got all my toiletries, something to sleep in, and all the doggie things. But I ended up back at home anyway. I figured he would be passed out so why not. haha, All this while our friends watched. Luckily they are old old old friends and were remarkably unaffected. I had already confided in my girlfriend so she know the backstory. Plus they come to visit every few months. 

I have broken the ice and made it to one online ALANON meeting (thank you for having them online, it is a wonderful tool to be able to do it from home and in secret if need be) I can't say that I had any lightbulb moments, but i can see how it keeps me on the right track..moving forward. It helps me connect with myself, which was something that I now realize my controlling AH was sort of standing in the way. I had always felt like I walked on pins and needles. If I was downstairs with our friends husband..i would feel like he would interrogate me about it. Well, this time I was my normal old real self, I stopped worrying about what he thought. I could actually feel great about offering the poor guy a cup of coffee or a pancake. It has been nice being comfortable in my own skin again. 

I also have a new friend. Some will say it's the last thing i needed, but we wound up with a puppy. I am not even a dog person...at all. but this little fellow has really brought me a lot of companionship.and  lots of bite marks lol. I have found that I don't watch as much tv or stay on the internet or obsess over work (to kill the loneliness/boredome/pain/etc). It has been a nice change of mentality for me. 

I have more to write, but I will have to save it for later. gotta run;/

Hugs