The material presented
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Thanks PP! But if I had written this a week ago, it would have been full of all kinds of wailing and agonizing. Time has taken some of the sting out of the deep shame I felt, which is why I'm worried about lapsing again. And regarding loneliness, in my Google search I came across the notion of gossip being used as some (wrong) form of bonding at times. So yes, that's a good point you made. Perhaps that's simply what it's about for many of us. So we would benefit from redirecting ourselves to steer clear of gossip as a means to connecting with people.
It's tempting, but definitely not worth the hurt afterwards.
Thanks for the hugs and encouragement, Cathy!
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Tuesday 28th of May 2013 02:00:13 PM
This is another post about gossip. There must be something in the air lately.
I let myself get dragged into somebody's drama over the past 2 weeks. It resulted in my crossing the line between wanting to be supportive of someone during a hard time, and engaging in outright mean backstabbing about a 3rd party. I got found out. I'm horrified that I did this. I'm somewhat ashamed that I feel bad mostly because I got found out, and that the other person must've been hurt by what I said and what he thought I was trying to do (drive a wedge between these 2 people). I wasn't trying to drive a wedge between them, I just got a bit too enthusiastic with the insults when trying to cheer up the first person. Stupid.
What's particularly horrifying to me is that I grew up with gossip and backstabbing in my family as a child. It hurt me and caused a lot of damage, crippling me for a time in my own adult personal relationships until I was able to identify this behavior as flat wrong. How did I let myself slide back to that? How do I get out of it again? If I didn't notice myself doing it last week, how will I stop it in the future?
I fled to Google for answers, and sure, I can try to get into the habit of asking if it's 'nice or necessary' before saying something to anybody at all, ever. I have also examined my online behavior and ditched a couple of inherently gossipy and negative sites where I was active. There are gossipers at work too, that I need to figure out how to avoid.
I did apologize immediately to the two other people involved, to their faces at the same time. But I don't think I would have done that if I hadn't been found out. So that's kind of sad.
A lot of this stuff happened over text & email. It reminded me of that old WWII phrase: "Loose lips sink ships", except it's more like "Loose fingertips sink relationships".
I kind of get the feeling that this is one of those things that unless I'm actively working to avoid thinking/saying disparaging things about others, I might as well assume I'm going to keep doing it, and intellectualizing how it's wrong because of my childhood, isn't enough for it to stop with me.
Any input or thoughts about the whole subject, are welcome.
My sponsor used to remind me, always, to "check my motives" for my actions.
I think you need to remember the adage that it is "progress, not perfection".... The very fact that you are acknowledging this behavior of yours, AND it is bothering you - is growth and admirable.
In my signature here, I include one of my favorite sayings: "words can be used for two things - to either 'build up, or to break down'..."
Sounds to me like you are growing tired of using them to break down, and that is all positive...
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Such a very important post cause this is the example of how a 10th step works...and...for me...it doesn't work only after I mess up. It works best for me as a part of my life...24/7. So why am I typing so loudly? probably because this is the best recovery poke for me right now and it came from a sister in recovery!! Mahalo Liz...thanks for the ESH and honesty of working your program and openly sharing it and your humaness with us. Free from the fear of past mistakes...((((hugs))))
LOL JerryF! That's about the size and boldness of the type that I need to keep in front of my eyes, or even behind my eyes inside my brain every day, or 24/7 as you put it, to remind me. There was one important/new lesson for me in all of this too, because I had a 5 hour drive to sit and stew in fear about how this person I'd hurt could come up to me at this function we would both attend that day, and point his finger at me and tell me how awful a person I was, and he'd be right. In the midst of all this fear, I realized that he is not my HP. It's between me and my HP, in the end. That got rid of all the fear and some of the regret right there and then.
CanadianGuy...I catch your signature every now and then and it makes me stop and think. Thank you for the reminders about progress, not perfection, and to check my motivation. If I could have that one working all day every day, I'd be doing great. . Thank you so much for the input.
I love your honesty. I find when I give into my desire to gossip, I am feeling lonely. And I KNOW I am going to feel lousy after I gossip! It is like eating a bag of peanut butter cups...they taste so good (I get my fix), then I feel like dog doo doo afterwards. We humans are so darn funny!
Aww, thanks BreakingFree! I have had a few more opportunities to slide backwards into those bad habits again today, but was able instead to actively practice some new habits. It felt weird but I feel a whole lot lighter tonight, and stronger in a way.
JerryF...shame! Oh yes. It has been a long road for me with shame too. What you have written about here describes a similar thought process I had about a week ago, on the 5 hour drive to the event where I'd have to be in the same room with the people I had wronged. I don't really think there is any other way to deal with it other than with our HPs.
Learning about Al-anon, and I guess, working the program so far, has helped lift the dreaded S & G. The tradition of no crosstalk is a great way to halt opportunities to stay stuck in self-pity or self-righteous ranting. I'm enjoying these moments of clarity. Thank you so much for your E S H & hugs.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Tuesday 28th of May 2013 09:05:04 PM
I love this vulnerable and honest share. You are doing the work and digging within, it takes time and diligence. The program looks good on you, thank you for this share. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
On top of this awesome share you bring up the "S" word...S H A M E...God loves me cause I was kept away from the "S" emotion and "G" emotion until I had many years in the program and was doing deeper and deeper 4th steps. Shame and Guilt, when I finally felt these for real were such toxic emotions I wanted to bolt and run away as far as I could. I had never recognized or felt them before...I so completely justified my thoughts, feelings and actions that they escaped me entirely until the deep work was done. I felt very very sick and also empathetic and compassionate for the people I had hurt while the disease raged. How did they ever get thru the pain of it and I learned that some of the pain was held onto for years and years until I made the amends for it. I have one left that I feel is necessary and I have left it in my HP's hands because "except when to do so would injure them or others..." is of deep importance. There were victims I had not even met who were harmed and I will not take the opportunity to make new victims long after the harm was done. HP will bring it about because wants them free of it...an me. I'm expectant of it and spiritually concerned. Awesome post. (((((hugs)))))
. Thank you so much for the input.
