The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As Maya Angelou once said to Oprah, "When you knew better, you did better." We can only do what we know to do in any given situation. When we learn other ways because the previous ones haven't worked for us, we've made progress. The three "Cs" may apply here? You didn't cause your son's addictions. You can't control them. You can't cure them. But, you can celebrate that you have grown and can keep growing with Al-Anon.
Our guilt and our fear help keep us chained to unhealthy behaviors that don't help us and don't help our children. Al-Anon meetings and coming to this board will help you continue to grow and to let go.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 27th of May 2013 10:29:29 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 27th of May 2013 10:31:17 PM
I have a 21 year old and he has been an opiate addict on and off since he was 15 years old. I admit I have been his worst enabler. He was dry for about 3 years but things spiraled huge at 20 with herion. He is now in rehab on his own but I live with fear and guilt every second of my days. How do I begin To heal?
First I suggest finding local al-anon meetings for yourself. There are a lot of books that helped me immensly but these 2 were my first ones "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I am glad you found us and just want to say hi and welcome to MIP!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Gaby: You can't hear my tone of voice, but I do hope you can intuit the gentleness with which I write these words to you: Without treatment yourself which for most of us on this board has been Al-Anon (or maybe Nar-Anon if there are meetings in your area), you will continue to enable your son because you don't know another way. You've asked for guidance and that is the best guidance I can give you - as might others on this board.
When it was first suggested that I attend Al-Anon many years ago because my husband was a drug addict, I felt resentful and surprised. What??!! Me!!! He's the one with the problem. I don't need to do any of that." I did attend Al-Anon, but I was a reluctant attendee back then. Fast forward to when my son showed signs of being an alcoholic/drug addict - I then began to work the program in earnest. Had I trusted the guidance I received in the early years with my husband more fully, perhaps my son could have enjoyed sobriety sooner. I don't know if that is true, but I do know that without Al Anon, I would be doing everything I could to save him rather than letting go of him which I needed to learn to do with the help of others who had been there so that he had a chance of saving himself.
Whatever you decide to do, my best to you as you live with the effects of a disease none of us ask for but is our reality. Our children are sick, but we are, too, because the disease is like a cancer that spreads throughout an entire family and can only be arrested through successful treatment which currently is even scientifically evidenced to be 12 step groups like AA and Al-Anon. Your son has a better chance of recovering if you are in recovery, too. We hurt our children if we try to be their Higher Power, rescuer, nurse, counselor, doctor, or drug recovery sponsor and some of us try to be all those things to our kids without treatment ourselves.
Much, much support and understanding as you make the choices you think are best for you at this time in your life, Gaby.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 28th of May 2013 02:47:14 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 28th of May 2013 07:28:20 AM
I know how you feel. I have been there with my son. The guilt and fear was making me sick to where I could hardly function anymore. November 2012 was when I finally surrendered to the first step in the 12 steps. From there with the help of meetings, sponsors and MIP I don't have that quilt or fear I once had. When it wants to rear its ugly head I can work my program and pray to my HP and then it will pass.
You are not alone so keep coming back because there is hope.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you all.. It's been a tough road. He maybe in a safe place at this moment but I'm already projecting the future.. It kills me to not know what it's going to be like and I have a grand baby that my visits depend on his sobriety..
Hi again, Gaby. I've done that, too. Caught myself projecting into the future - something I can't possibly know for sure. I also worry about what will happen if...and then I make myself sick trying to figure out what I'll do if what I fear happens. What has helped me is simply becoming aware that I am projecting or worrying about something I can't possibly control or plan what I'll do if it happens - just like you are doing. Then, I concentrate on what is happening in the present moment. Usually, nothing is happening and I notice I'm at peace again.
I have tried ala non and I have so many books to read but I don't think since my son has decided he needed help and self admitted himself in a long term rehab that I'm ready to except it all. I don't know if that makes since but I just trying to except that I may have been a huge fault of his addiction. It has been 2 1/2 weeks and I feel like I have lost him. I pray every day and night. I have truly never been away from my son but even at his worst state of mind he was telling me to let him go but I was so afraid that his letting go was death. I hear if detachment of we can love them from a distance but I am having a huge problem excepting this us happening because I have learned to live with my sons addiction as bad as it has affected our family .. I just need guidance ..
I do understand that I need to heal. I know I am not allow but I feel like I am. I am so hurt, angry, shattered, and I see my son the same way. I was always told I am his worst enabler he even told me that, but I am all he has and when he told me to let go. For some reason it crushed me. He has been now 2 1/2 weeks in rehab and I still can't eat, sleep, I am just feeling pain so much pain and guilt. I ask how did this happen what else can I have done different?? I pray that when he told me he is tired and hurt and he wants help for himself and his daughter. I pray he means it. I hear relapse is part of recovery and that scares me more then anything. How can I seem to let go and except today he is ok an I need to start my healing with out fear. I am crying out for help!!
Gaby: Could you describe what you think the help that you want might look like? If you could have any form of help that you wanted or believe you needed, what form would that help take for you?
