The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks for your encouragement and prayers of support as I travelled to my childhood home. It was a bittersweet time. I did keep my word to myself and didn't bring everything in the house home with me. It was difficult to choose what to take and what to leave behind. My brother was not available to meet with us for a quick lunch, dinner or even to just see his sister face to face for a few moments. He just kept making excuses - he had so much to do at his house. With my mother gone, I won't have any reason to travel back there again. I'm so glad I've kept coming back to Alanon - my sponsor, my meetings, my readings and here because I without this program and using it's tools reasoning it out might still be the reasoning out of my former self who was unrecovering. Pre Alanon I would have thought I wasn't worth his time, unlovable, to blame for not being "perfect," not enough. I realize due to your loving support and my higher power, that although I long for the kind of bond with my brother that we once had, hp is saying "not now." I wish I could tell you that I was prepared for the feelings of closing the door of my mother's home one last time, walking the rooms and giving thanks for what really was and is a good old house that was home to a bunch of imperfect people - my family. Looking back I can see how differently my brother and I grew under the same roof. I want to believe he's not an alcoholic because he's high functioning but whether affected by or an alcoholic himself, the isms are there. And of course I have them too but have the benefit of Alanon.
I looked forward to seeing my brother and hoped he would show up but in my heart I knew there was as much a possibility that he wouldn't. I just need to keep going forward with my own recovery and honor the gift of life I'm given each day by my higher power. But when you love someone... you just wish you could love the pain out of them. What a demon alcoholism is without hp and recovery.
It was good to make this roadtrip. As far as the house itself, it brought closure. I got to know my parents more just by seeing what they'd chosen to keep through the years. The love for us was there. They gave what they had and shaped us. There was alcoholism in the house but there was a lot of good stuff too. My brother told me to take anything I wanted from the house. He said he and his wife didn't want anything. In truth, I could have arrived with a moving truck but I didn't. I set a boundary for myself that I would only take what felt important for me. It took time to determine that after I arrived there. I waivered between wanting to take everything and just wanting photos. For the first time, when I looked at old photos of my parents, I thought omg look how young they are. (I must be getting old) This last visit was different. Each time I went out, I walked on the opposites side of the street to reach the house so I could get a full view of it every chance available. We took a few pictures of the house before we left. Then we drove across the country and made few stops along the way and saw some sites - a pleasure trip :)
My Memorial Day weekend has been spent unpacking a lot of memories but taking care of the essentials of being back home too - my home. I'll call my sponsor today. She has surgery tomorrow. Maybe I'll just store some of these boxes for now. I don't have to do it all today. And I certainly don't have to do it alone. Thank goodness I've found a loving higher power and my days are now spent living outward instead of in my head. I can keep praying for and loving my brother; maybe send him a text or letter about the great things we saw on our roadtrip. I can thank him for all the hard work he's done with settling things for us since my mom's passing. He's always going to be my big brother and I love him. The weather is dreary but I've got to all those music cassettes I brought home. I can play some and straighten up the house a bit. There's lot of good memories in that music. My brother was such a great dancer when we were in school. I can still see him at school dances in his sports jacket pulling off his clip on tie and opening the top button of shirt... relaxed, young, uninhibited, smiling, loving life. I'm going to hold onto that image of him. It puts a smile on my face. Well... I ate a lot on this trip so some dancing around the house will do me good. Maybe I'll sing too (you definitely don't want to hear that) Thanks for reading and being here. Hope you have a great Memorial Day. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
what a lovely share tiredtonite I especially like the bit where you wrote 'I don't have to do it all today. And I certainly don't have to do it alone' - I hear that message as it's one I would like to take on board
the recovery shines through in your post as well as the very human feelings about selecting things from your mothers house and closing the door. a very poignant story.
You have such a loving outlook toward your brother whilst keeping yourself sane hope you've had a great Memorial Day (it's a bank holiday here in the uk too)
I love your share and can so relate with the brother too busy. After my dad passed 11 years ago my brother and I had to sort through his stuff and he wanted to throw it all out and I wanted to keep a few sentimental things. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks so much for your responses - your unconditional love and Alanon support of what I'm currently going through. My brother called a few days ago and offered to send me anything else that was unable to take from the house. I was taken aback when he shared that he'd found pics in my father's closet of people he didn't recognize and presumed they were relatives of my dad side. He sent them to our ninety year old aunt, my father's sis. It was a relief to see this kind of thoughtfulness in him. I wish he had let me know him more through these years rather than being resentful. We've missed a lot of time with one another. I had a voicemail from him again yesterday and he updated me on the situation with the house. He told me what he still had to do and ended the message by saying "and then I'll close the door one last time." Then there was a short silence and I heard him clear his throat. He then said, "I've gotta go." I'd brought my c2c to work because I knew I would be needing it. I found a quiet space and read and connected with hp then texted my bro. I suppose I could have called him but he had told me in his voicemail that I didn't have to call him back that he knew I was at work. I chose to respect that. I texted him that everything would go fine and that we didn't need the house anymore and "sending you a big hug." Later, I got a text from him that updated me about the house. Likely, the next thing that will happen is that boxes of my things will be sent. If not, so be it. When he texted and asked what I wanted, I had texted back "any of these choices but the only thing I really "need" is my brother." I've left him to chew on that awhile but all the wishing isn't going to change matters. I can't crawl inside my brother's head and know what he is thinking or what his actions mean I can continue set boundaries around my relationship with him. I'll continue to do things that feel right for me and not motivated by soliciting the response I would like to get from him. That was the kind of manipulation I suffered from when I entered this program. I told him I needed him and sent him the hug because he's my brother and I love him. It's important to ME that I give that to him. What he does with that is up to him. It's his to keep from me. I'm grateful to my hp when I hear from him and I'm working on graciously accepting what he is willing to give of himself without expectations. My job is to keep journeying on my own path with my own higher power. Hugs :) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 30th of May 2013 07:06:13 AM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
This last visit was different. Each time I went out, I walked on the opposites side of the street to reach the house so I could get a full view of it every chance available. We took a few pictures of the house before we left. Then we drove across the country and made few stops along the way and saw some sites - a pleasure trip :)
(you definitely don't want to hear that) Thanks for reading and being here. Hope you have a great Memorial Day. TT