The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In addition to the daily work i do, around this time every year i like to do a long 10th step inventory where I list all the names where i feel most affected. I started last night. There are about 40 names on the list.
I see already a very strong repetitive pattern of being used by others to deflect what is going on with them. individuals, couples, families - you name it, Im the Fall Guy. Usually it's through gossip. I deal with an immense amount of this and the worst it gets, the more people join in on it.
I feel sucked dry and depleted by others.
of course this is all a representation of what my parents have done to me for years and I'm doing everything I can to get out of their purse string control. Im job interviewing etc but it may take some time to qualify for even the cheapest apartment and get out from under. that, plus how it comstantly recreates in my life with other people, is why I am not sleeping.
we are supposed to cease fighting anyone or anything but I DO have relationship skills I'm not using, like pulling people aside immediately when this crap begins and asking questions calmly. Letting them know im not willing to be used. Setting boundaries immediately when I see someone is beginning to bait me - by cheerily saying I have to go.
There are a couple of resentments really are really bothering me though. One young girl in AA who took a hostage for a husband them started to character assassinate me all over the place for the whole year leading up to her wedding with him (He happily joined in on this.) I don't even know them, Ive met him once and see her around at meetings. And my Former AA sponsor who I shared all of myself with, also joined in on gossip about me when her life started to fall apart. She fed her ego when I went into pain and went out and dominated a guy so she could have a boyfriend, And then told him she was MY victim. *rolls eyes* And then a father in AA whose daughter relapsed, same thing. They both started gossiping about me to deflect from themselves. And my doctor who baited and preyed on me when I wasn't feeling well. And the last guy I was with who character assassinated me all over the city then invited others to join in, in "unity" and "camaraderie"! Everyone's heard about it and I am the most "horrible" hated person - it's ALL MY FAULT! Everything! THAT is reay where the boundary should have been set, 3 years ago.
Sounds like Jr High School, right?!
Yet at the same time there's been so much damage To my life and i am human. No wonder I'm beating myself up with cigarettes. It's either my body telling me to speak up or my ego letting myself be affected.
i want to speak up for myself about all these current goings-on but I also feel that if I can set boundaries going FORWARD instead, say Thy Will Be Done, think about what i can offer, maybe that's enough? Or maybe i need to address some of this now?
the world is getting sicker and I'm tired of being used. I don't think that's Gods will for me.
any advice or experience is greatly welcomed.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Monday 27th of May 2013 08:37:58 AM
When I read the last three sentences in your post, this popped into my head, so I'm sending it as a response to your request for advice or experience: Write a gratitude list.
Much support for you!
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 27th of May 2013 08:55:16 AM
Hi Wti, I am confused with your post. I thought it was about making a list of those you have harmed rather than those who harmed you. I'm no expert, I'm a member of this fellowship just over 1 year but the literature suggests we look inside not at what others say or do. That's the thinking I am recovering from. Looking outwards only leads to judging, assuming and self pity. Try looking up the steps at the back of ctc and the odat, I know it helps me stay on track.x
Just went to a meeting and am back in truth. Goofballs have no power over us! It's not gonna work for them anyway! We say nothing. They're on their own path.
I been in recovery a long time and Id rather sit through the pain and get real recovery. Shortcuts don't work!!!!
Not new to recovery here. No jab intended either. I didn't phrase the way I meant. What I meant is that I would just hope for more joy and positive interactions with others for WIT cuz she posts about these issues a bunch. Not saying the issues are her fault cuz I don't walk in her shoes. Just wishing for her to have fellowship and support and not probs with so many folks cuz that's draining and she is a good person and deserves happy and positive interactions whether that is attained through changing self or by avoiding negative folks or both.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 28th of May 2013 01:22:58 PM
The strong pattern I see is that your view of others is often very negative and I know it's part of you being hard on yourself also. I wish there was something I could say to have you believe that people are not as interested in hurting you as you think they are (and even if they were...they can't hurt you most of the time unless you let them).
You have such strong faith but you seem to really dislike God's children much of the time.
I've been watching you along with some others here for a few weeks. You have a very strong understanding of yourself. Trust that. You are going to go very far. What you are dealing with in this very thread is more of the same you experience in life. Al-anons can be just as competitive and jealous as alcoholics and now I see a post I responded to earlier today by someone else here was really just a jab at you, there was nothing honest about it. You can say something to one of those people in AA if you need to, sure. But respond to it in a meeting in front of others so people know you're serious about not being used anymore. We are immature people in recovery (all fellowships) trying to grow up. When you find your peace you are going to soar like an eagle and people know it.
Hi Mr codie. I'm not sure what you mean by another post but el-cee and pink chip are fairly new to recovery. It takes years to outgrow even the primary defects. The girls in my meetings are just that - girls. I know what they're doing wont work, they're just too naive to know it. We don't get away with a single thing. So why would I let that take my peace. It's human to want to stand up for ourselves but I am not doing that because that lowers me to their behaviour. Instead I am looking at what really needs to be done in my own life. When those things are done, as you say, yes - everything that I am will speak for itself. Thanks for responding to my post! God bless
Just an afterthought here...half in recovery recover God, the other half recover their egos...those girls who do what they do to me in meetings are only getting sicker, and they don't even know it. There are many awesome people in recovery...those are the half I'm observing today!
I have discovered in my very short time in recovery my primary defects all but dried up. I'm not enabling, I'm not controlling and not asking questions anymore to name a few. I'm so grateful to God and Al-anon to give me such a great accomplishment. I was also taught here by a wonderful brother that never to judge others. That was one defect I will never forget. Just to keep it in the back of my mind makes every day so much better for me.
We all recover at our own pace and I'm grateful to God just to be there to help with any ESH I can give.
Like you said so many awesome people in recovery......you know, we are all awesome. (((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Hi, I think Mr codie is talking about my share. I am trying to work the program like everyone else. Won't always get it right. For you to suggest my share wasn't honest suggests your in need of working your own program. The program is about helping yourself then others. Why don't you read my post again because I think I did in my own small way. Judging others like you have me is certainly a symptom of being affected.
