The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is alcoholism and codependency doing their mad little dance. After awhile, we get tired of the rhythm of the merry-go-round, trying to force solutions, trying to get them to see how they've hurt us, disappointed us, betrayed us or wanting them to be empathetic, truly serious about our relationship or at least fully forth-coming with us and we begin to see how we've hurt, disappointed, betrayed ourselves. We begin to see how valuable we are - without him or her - and that fighting for change with an ABF, AH or AW is wasted energy. Then, slowly we turn that energy towards ourselves, stop fighting reality, go to more meetings, work our steps more diligently, do things we love to do and trust that there is more to life than a relationship that seems to go around and around for us getting nowhere. If you are at a place where you want to rip out your hair, I can certainly understand that frustration level. I'm glad you took a break to do something that is good for you. Sharing your story and your feelings with those of us who have been there, too.
Take very good care of yourself. There is only 1 of you in the world and we need your experience, strength and hope as we share ours with you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 26th of May 2013 11:37:12 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 26th of May 2013 11:37:48 PM
I left for a cruise with my parents a week ago, and the night before I had a conversation with my A boyfriend after not really seeing him for a week. He had started drinking again and his behavior was emotionally abusive. The night before my cruise, we calmly talked and he said when I get back from my trip, and we go to california for our friends wedding he would visit cliffside rehab. I just said fine and we started talking about some film he would be shooting upstate the next day with a friend of ours.
The next day, I was on the boat, it was leaving the dock and I saw photos on a social networking site of him upstate partying, sleeping at a house that night with his guy friends that I know and drinking with some girls and other guys I did not know. ( so much for feeling like I can trust him. drinking- sleepovers- and other women. nice.) They DID film the video for a work project, but he "failed to tell me" that he was sleeping there and partying with 25 people. I called him as the boat left, and my service was about to be disconnected and confronted him as to why he didn't tell me he was doing that and how it affects my trust and this is why I have barely seen him! he said, " well you didn't ask or seem interested. I didnt think to tell you."
I just sent a text as my boat left to not even bother to call me after his weekend was over to discuss this, I don't care and I was infuriated at how he would feel if I did this to him. He of course didn't respond, probably lavished the idea that i was so upset- and partied. On tuesday after his fun time was over and he hadn't heard from me he started to send me messages that he was sorry I felt mislead and that he only had a few beers and slept alone. over the week those messages became more desperate and he broke down into : I love you. I think about you all the time.
I don't have anything left to give. I am so angry and hurt that I couldnt even speak to him all week and i didnt care how he felt- and today when I landed home again he sent me a very angry text asking if I was home, how cruel I was to ignore him and cut him off like he doesnt mean anything to me, his heart is aching, his eyes are hurting, and he " hopes I feel good about this." WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
he then proceeded to tell someone that If he left for a trip he would at least tell me - " i need time and dont want to talk. i am angry." he would not just cut me off. He feels that he is treated in a way that he could never do to me b/c I wouldnt take it. Funny, I feel that its the other way around?
I cannot understand alcoholics and tonight how he can overlook what he did and how that had something to do with the fact that I avoided him all week.. out of anger and disgust. I am sick to my stomach. What should I have done? When he was being rude to me when I confronted him, I should have said calmly- ok im angry dont call me for a week, i want to think about things?! he was treating me on the phone like I was taking up his precious time! he kept saying , " i am working, gotta go sorry!! I didn't think to tell you it wasn't on purpose!! enjoy your trip.."
Irrational guilt: I have read so much about it and this is the cycle!! He does something bad, i react angry which I should , then I start to think about whether I over reacted and feel bad, and diminish what he did. My brain fights me on this and I am afraid to lose him. ( crazy thoughts.) Then I accept the nice texts in exchange for actions. i settle with some caring words, and sit on top of the volcano again waiting for it to erupt.
Guys. help.
I want to rip my hair out. I keep telling myself he knows what he did and he is trying to put irrational guilt on me so I will feel like I did something wrong and explain myself. I dont want to . I am furious. and today, when i read that text, i still remembered keeping my side of the road clean, and responding with dignity. I said to him: " What do you want me to tell you? I am hurt? angry? I dont trust you? Does it matter. It's about you and those are just words. Your disease causes you to hurt yourself and those around you. What else is there to say. "
Needless to say I did not hear from him. I am sorry this was so long. I pour my heart out in this forum. :( THanks.
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
he knows what he did and he is trying to put irrational guilt on me so I will feel like I did something wrong and explain myself
You nailed it. You are not crazy. That is what They do; this is what We do. It's a common problem filled with manipulation: using words and actions to get others to feel a certain way.
The more we explain ourselves, the more we give away our own power, serenity, sanity, etc., They know this. it's what gives them power. The disease can suck the life out of us if we let it. Hope you try Alanon face 2 face; it will help.
One of the most frustrating things WE tend to do as Al-Anons, is we make ourselves sick over the "whys". My sponsor used to remind me to "focus on the whats, not the whys - the whys will eat you up"
Like most of us before you, you seem to be doing the proverbial "going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread", in that you are expecting a sick and irrational person (your A) to behave in healthy and rational ways...
There is no pleasing an active A, and you are highly unlikely to get any validation for you or your concerns from an active A. (remember the infamous egg joke).
The things we CAN do is focus on ourselves and OUR recovery - and whether or not he chooses recovery for himself is secondary, at this point.
I wish you well, and please keep coming back Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks guys.. He called me today and I was pretty firm -refused to do the dance with him. I basically told him dont even bother explaining yourself b/c I dont care, I don't trust you, and at this point I am going to do what makes me happy. I obviously lost it a few times and then he shut up and piped down real fast, realizing that I am beyond feeling insecure at this point and am literally not going to accept any bullying--or excuses. I just don't care anymore what he says or does and I know I have the right to feel this way.
as for the wedding, i told him he is welcome to go but i don't care whether or not he visits cliffside, and i will have a good time regardless w/ my friends if he is there or not. i want to focus on me, enjoy myself, and don't want to talk about his alcoholism or issues while I am there or after i come back. He is welcome to take the keys and go, but I am not interested in seeing that place. I could care less.
I am trying to take a step here. For the first time I am really going to try to do things that make me feel good and work on accepting that it does not matter what he does to mess with me, or says. Or what I do or say. none of it has any bearing on whether he gets sober or not. So I might as well do what I want in the mean time... and enjoy myself and quit worrying about trying to help him all the time.
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Sounds like you have made some decisions help you feel more in control of your own life. Sure beats trying to figure them out, doesn't it? Arguing, blaming, fingerpointing, stewing all seem to get lost somewhere when we accept reality, keep the focus on ourselves, and do what fits our better selves. Glad you are feeling more at peace now.
Congrats on doing the next right thing and YES .. it is so easy to get caught up in the maybe it wasn't really that bad and I overreacted, what Tom says is so true for me ... when I stop looking at why the A in my life does this and that .. it is much easier, less stressful and a LOT more relaxing to be able to do the next right thing for ME. If it's good for me it's good for everyone around me!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am just fuming right now.