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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> AS returns from prison in a few days
Post Info TOPIC: AS returns from prison in a few days
grateful2be


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AS returns from prison in a few days
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I recently wrote about my son and his upcoming release from prison for a technical violation (basically drinking/drugging and not reporting because he'd been drinking/drugging).  I was feeling like a cheese because I wouldn't make my home an option for a place to go because I know it won't work, I've quit doing that years ago, and although he was in prison for 2 years, he refused AA.  His PO had called and though I never got to talk with her, I figured my son had gained parole and they were checking my residence as a place for him to stay.  You all helped me through the feelings I usually have when faced with these circumstances.

On Friday, I received a card from my son telling me that he hoped I wouldn't be mad, but he'd listed my address as a place he would be staying upon release (something that is and has been a non-negotiable for me - giving my address for any reason to anybody) and if the PO called I am supposed to say that we've both decided it is better if he doesn't live with me.

Then, sorry he was late with a MD card, but (blah, blah, blah).

I e-mailed him to let him know I'd gotten the card.  That yes, I felt angry and my boundaries violated and that I'd already called his PO previous to his card to let her know that if she was calling about him living with me the answer was "No.  That won't work for me."  I told him, too, that I don't like being used and I don't like being told what I am to say.  I let him know that I love him and although I believe that he can make changes in his life (something he wrote), I also believe in what his disease does to him and to us and that he can't make changes without the right kind of help that is AA/NA.  I asked him to get that help so that he can have the different life he wants, the family relationships that he wants, and the self respect that he wants.  I also told him that I know its his choice to get that help or not, but its also my choice to do what I need to do to take good care of myself.  I let him know I cannot and will not go through anymore of what his refusal to rejoin AA/NA does to him and to us. 

The hardest part is having a decent relationship with him in prison because he's in a structured environment, on meds and dried out and then being tossed back into dealing with an A/DA.  The manipulation, playing on my emotions, doing what he knows is a non-negotiable for me, trying to get around the system, etc.

I'm sure you don't need all these details, but I need to write them so I can be held accountable to myself in relationship to my son.  He returns to this area this week and it appears to me from what he says in his letter, he'll be right back to living the same way he was before he went back.  I don't have a crystal ball.  His HP can step in in ways I can't see right now.

But, today, I am dealing with the facts and experiences I have at hand.  Just having witnesses to my "ENOUGH" in relationship to my son is a help since there is a big part of me saying "You were too harsh.  Be patient.  It'll turn around."

Thanks for being there.

 

 

 



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canadianguy


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Well, from my perspective, at least... you were not at all "too harsh". 

You said what you meant, and meant what you said, and didn't say it mean....

You gave him the dignity of making his own choices, and owning his own decisions...

You honored both him AND you

You showed admirable strength in working YOUR program, during very difficult times...

 

From where I sit, I think you "done good"...

 

Take care

Tom



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el-cee


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I know exactly how you feel and he knows it doesn't work out, it's sad that he put you on this position aNd if he had some recovery he wouldn't have asked so I think your right to be wary of his words. My son also won't play nice, he wants to beat the system, what he does not realize is this prevents him getting the help he needs. My son and yours are still full of isms and until they mature then this is how it is for us. Take care.x

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Cathyinaz


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You are doing the right thing for you. In two 2 years you would think he had enough time to figure out that he needed help and get into recovery while in prison. Refused AA? Right there it tells me something.....and I'm sure it tells you something too.

I will keep you and your son in my prayers

((( huts ))))

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Mattie


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That's some powerful recovery, the way you held the line.

I guess it's somewhat predictable, the way he's trying out the old ways at this time of transition.  He doesn't have new ways because he hasn't found his bottom yet, so he hasn't learned new skills.  So his subconscious is thinking, "How'm I going to do this?  I better try what worked before.  Yeah, 'cause what else is there?  Mom was behaving differently, but if I try real hard, I bet I can get her back to the old ways.  That's gotta happen because otherwise I might have to get into AA and no way would I do that if there are other options.  So I'm going to try to make those other options work."  So there he goes, pushing at your boundaries.  But you held firm!  You've closed off one of the paths for getting by while drinking/drugging.  That is absolutely stellar. 

In my experience, the A is always testing to see where we might relent and let some of the unhealthy behavior back in.  You provided the answer: Nope, not on your watch.  Even though he's trying not to change, things have changed for him. 

Now we turn it over to HP.  Such a great job taking care of yourself.



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grateful2be


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Thank you, everybody. I can think I'm making progress in the program while all is peaceful on the home front while he's in prison and life is manageable again with absolutely no horrible surprises, but its when he's getting out and out that I get to know for sure if I have. Your support, your wisdom, your honesty and you working your programs is such a help to mine. Thank you so much. And Mattie, God I hope what you are thinking turns out to be true for him - that he finally sees no other option than AA. He's been thrown out of cars. Beat up with nightsticks. On the streets in dead winter and suffering with hypothermia, hungry, homeless, barred, banned and fired - and STILL - no bottom. So - your words give me hope.
I dread burying him and I dread dealing with him and his violent, vile behavior when using.

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Debilyn


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Believe me,what you did was do the most loving thing for your son. Good for you. Its not easy for us as parents to not take them in no matter what age they are. But you gave him the chance to figure out his own life.

Otherwise how will he learn? wow such a clear manipulation try, and you saw it coming and waylayed it before he got to you. amazing.

Are you kidding? Too hard on who? YOU are the hardest on yourself. How ez it would be to say ok I can do that. But you were strong and said no way honey.

there is no string hooked to this bird when you pushed him out of the nest!

When you say no, it is saying I know you can do it on your own, I have faith in you.

hugz,debilyn



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