Hi Everybody:

This is strange; I feel....calm, resolved and know I am doing the right thing.  I relive periods from my past in the struggling marriage and know that this is right for me.  My soon to be ex is at the same time texting me with 'will you reconsider? I dont need drinking, I can stop yesterday and we can stop all this' (this is really crazy! I told him where I was at a month ago and we certainly have not been embracing sobriety--and again, I know I have to look at what's actually happening, not words that I'm hearing),  at the same time that I know he has set up a profile on a dating site!  And I keep telling family and friends about that so I can hear how crazy that is, if that makes any sense.

I am starting to see things of his cleared off shelves and into boxes, and I look at the empty shelves and feel detached, not falling apart. I'm wondering, will I be having a nervous breakdown sometime in the next month where I can't even crawl out of bed?  What is it in me (us?) that feels strong and in a good place but is already worried about if and when I won't?! haha!!

There are some positives I will put out here now...he brought our kids to see apt where he will be lving, I think this made this real for them and him, and took some of the awful out of it; there is only one or two more nights when he will actually be in the house before moveout, and I am making myself scarce on those nights.  I have reached out now to a ton of friends, telling people all about the marriage things I kept put away for years; I have reached out to colleagues at work and am getting so much support, and of course, here where I know so many of you have lived through my situation or something just like it. Another..so far my kids are doing okay, becasue Dad is a musician and has never been here every night of the week, in a way it's a transition that may be easier than for other families?  Don't know yet, because he isn't officially out of the house...

Anyway, I'm sure you can tell I am sort of all over the map right now.  I have been packing boxes for him too, as he is out of the house until late this afternoon. 

It's surreal--thank you all for reading and any experiences you can share will be appreciated!

thanks

Yanksfan

 

Packing my ex's stuff helped me - the act of doing it solidified my resolve to stick to my guns; he had to move out and wouldn't be coming back if nothing was going to change and change had to come from him, not just his words. I said, go to AA (didn't say stop drinking, just AA) and he sorta tried but made excuses AND he thought that one hour a week in an AA meeting entitled him to make up for it the other 167 hours by drinking and carousing and etc. He would talk the talk but the walk never backed it up. To top it off, when he did come get the bulk of his stuff, his phone rings with the ringer he'd said was mine and would never be anyone else's because he loved me so much - and I just turned around and walked away. He says to me, for what it's worth, i'm sorry - and I said it wasn't worth a damn thing, went away and cried - he tried to hug me and I got pissed - really mad and said NO - you don't get to be nice to me! with his truck half full he tried to say he had enough and would get the rest later and I insisted he take as much as his truck could carry, he got mad at me then but I didn't want him to keep dragging it out any more; to this day I still have left overs he hasn't reclaimed and I don't have the heart to just send to the dump, this summer I will figure out what to do with it.

I didn't really fall completely apart, I trudged through life, working a lot, compared myself to the donkey following the carrot on the stick, head down and just trudging on until things got better. And they did get better, last summer I revamped my tiny little sinkhole of a laundry room/bathroom into a BATHroom (clawfoot tub) with laundry facilities - a room that makes me smile and feel a sense of peace when I bathe (don't look guys!). This summer unfortunately finds me deeper in debt of my own making, juggling expenses to fit my budget better, but looking forward to the summer months when I can resume working on my fence, my kitchen ceiling, my yard, a garden, etc, one bit at a time as "I" wish to do it without anyone else's bs to deal with.

Now that we are divorced and his stuff was gone and I am no longer in communication with him (he made it impossible to even remain friends because he continues to lie and cheat and poor me and expect me to go along with it) I have been able reconnect with all the things that make me a much happier person, the climb is not difficult anymore because I know where I stand and what to expect. I know that after a long hard day of work, I get to come home to peace and sole possession of the remote.

My experience was that I had a real cry and second thoughts on the move-out day, and my friends took me aside and basically said, "Are you crazy?  With all the chaos he's caused?  You are so doing the right thing!"  And I sort of snapped out of it.  And then once he had driven down the street, I had such a feeling of peace and relief as I wouldn't have believed.  I never had any cause to look back.  I have never regretted it for one solitary minute.  I know others go through different emotions, but those were mine.  Also we still have to see each other because of our child, and we get along a heckuva lot better being apart.  Not that he's always an angel -- his life is still a mess, of course -- but his chaotic life is not in my face and I don't have to worry about it!  Love that feeling!

Your situation is especially trying because you've had the long lead-up to it.  But it will be over soon!  Take care of yourself!

Thanks to all of you for your support; yes I have had MANY people in my life already say to me, you are definitely doing the right thing, we are behind you, you will feel such relief, etc.

I know I am doing the right thing for me, and my kids--I think today was tough because it's one of the few remaining nights that he is in the house w the rest of us; but I got out of dodge today and saw an old friend, had the very cathartic experience of reliving many horrific moments of the last 21+yrs for her!  Haha

so--tonight I will do some schoolwork I have been avoiding, and as several people have said to me, just keep my head down and keep going

thank you all!
YF

One of the many things my (our) counselor told me when I told her that I was not afraid to be alone was that I had already been alone for a good many years. An active alcoholic is not present in his/her own life, let alone anyone else's. So, I think that the thought of being alone can be more frightening than the actuality of it. I know that it has been a good thing for me...I have found my happy again....and I hope that you do too....I am living instead of just gritting my teeth and surviving....