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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Living in the numb and tears
Post Info TOPIC: Living in the numb and tears
Debilyn


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Living in the numb and tears
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The  hoarder across the road has caused me insurmountable pain. Now she and ignored what a sargent told her and harrassed me again. To the point that she lyed and lyed about me and I got charged with disorderly conduct.

My family probably many generations back have NEVER been in trouble. never. It will probably be dismissed as she was to leave me alone and she did not.

Without going into detail I was scared to death. I am a mess inside. My disabilities are screaming, asthma attack when I was with my son and thank goodness I Had my inhalor, Or I woulda passed out and my poor son woulda had to cpr me. I am talking being processed at the jail. they were super nice as a friend is the head of the deputies. I just had to fill out papers.

sigh. then the dang guy. I am so numb so full of tears. lonly for him now too, along with all my deceased family. poor poor pitiful me on the pity pot.

worked my rear off today on my five acre place. had goats, chickens and my piggies following me all over. They are so dependable, always love me, never leave me. I was a fool to let down my walls and allow a man to say he loved me, I could trust him, depend on him, I allowed myself to really believe it all, like I really was loved and cared for. What a bunch of bolony.

He moved back into that pit and he will never come out of it I bet. I know I sound mean and horrible. Pain tends to do that to me.all I do is cry, work hard, lose myself in my animals. My son has been great, but it is NOT his job to babysit me.

I think he is afraid all this stress will kill me. and it may. to be honest, in many ways I do not care. In most ways I don't. I would just not want to leave my animals.

well I am teaching him how to treat me.as I am not putting up with this treatment.I am not making excuses. He chose to go down into the pit and I am NOT going with him. NO I will not be his friend anymore thru this. He can figure it out on his own.

LIke I say everyone has the right to be who they are and do what they do. But we do not have to be around it. this hurts so horrible, its hard. But again to thine own self be true. I get more love, and loyalty from my chickens than him.

I guess I am at that anger stage of grief. ya think? Loving a codependant who is one for his whole family is a real drag.

He is lost now. He is saying things that make NO sense. Like oh she will blow it. what???? she already did you idiot. what???

just shoot me now. I hate this disease of demons and lies and horror. Just need to sell all my stuff, pack up my animals and head to the new system after armageddon. This world is sick sick sick. ugh



-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 26th of May 2013 01:36:37 AM

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rehprof


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I sent you a P.M.

I told one of my friends that I was afraid to extend myself in a relationship again...because the last break up was so hard...and left me feeling awful and shaken. He said this "if we always sit on the sidelines we miss the dance. And It's so  awesome to dance"

and though there is SO much wrong with the world...there are also wonderful people like YOU in it...you have a tremendous capacity to love and care for others...and there are other people in the world with kind hearts too...

sending you good juju

RP

 



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likemyheart


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Aw Deb, I wish I had words to soothe but I don't; I know for me I haven't had one inkling of desire to go into the realm of personal relationships yet - and I say yet because I know that I am still repairing the damage done to me. Right now, just the thought of opening up my heart to vulnerability brings on a physical reaction which includes a welling of upset and shaking of my head. I rather enjoy the position I have taken up, perched on a ledge just watching to see if someone's actions back-up their words. I'm sorry you are hurting though.

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
pinkchip


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Deb - you sound stressed for sure, but better in some ways. Anger is further along in grieving and I can see you moving there instead of sadness and self-pity. The neighbor thing probably will resolve like you said but now is a vulnerable time for you and catastrophizing is hard to stop. You did probably just put limits on it by sharing here.

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tiredtonite


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Sorry about the neighbor thing on the heels of the other junk that's happening. Glad things went ok for you with the deputy. 

As far as the guy, good for you for putting first things first - yourself and your animals. Both need your unconditional love and care. (((debilyn)))  Looks like your picker has been patched!  A man who is self actualized is out there for you. You deserve an equal with self love and the courage to live fully.  I'm sorry he's disappointing you but glad you've taken your power back to keep living the good life you already have.  It has value. You and hp have created it together.  Hugs!  TT



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Breakingfree


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Sending you love and support my friend! This too shall pass and you will be better for it!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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