The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. It's good that you are writing down your thoughts if that helps you calm down and relax? I find it helpful to focus on what is present in simple ways like this: I am writing. The room where I am writing down my thoughts is comfortable. It is dark outside. My hand is cramping. I will stop writing for awhile. I'm feeling calmer. I notice the walls in this room are painted white. I like the pictures that are on the walls. The carpet needs to be vacuumed. I hear the birds chirping outside. My body feels stiff. I think I will get the vacuum and sweep the carpet now.
It appears that fighting your thoughts results in your becoming more agitated rather than peaceful. Another help might be simply to focus on one dominant thought and ask yourself if its true? Example: My son-in-law is getting drunk everyday and this is terrible!!! Is this true? Wait for an answer. If it is "yes," You can ask another question, "Am I absolutely certain this is true?" Wait for the answer.
Another suggestion rather than fighting your thoughts - Example: "My son-in-law is getting drunk everyday and this is terrible!!!" Personal question: Whose business am I in? Mine, his, or God's business? Obviously, the answer on this thought is "I'm in my son-in-law's business." Then ask what your business might be if his drinking is his business. My answer to this question might be, "My business is to notice that I get mentally drunk on other people's business." Then, I'd focus on doing something simple - washing dishes, taking a walk, feeding my cats, relaxing my body in a warm bath.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 25th of May 2013 09:49:21 PM
Today started last night. We had family game night and that went well. Whole family came over and we had a cookout and played scattergories til almost 1:30 in the morning. My AW didn't drink or smoke any weed. All good. Problem started because I couldn't or wouldn't let myself go to sleep. I stayed up until about 10:30 watching reruns of Star Trek Voyager. Then I crashed and slept half the day and woke in a terrible funk. Have been feeling really down and then trouble at my daughters house. Her husband has apparently started getting drunk every day. Never knew him to drink before. He was always smoking weed but never was a drinker. I am now having a real hard time controlling my tendency to have logical thinking errors. Fortune telling, Over generalizations, All or nothing, emotional thinking. THOUGHTS JUST KEEP RACING THROUGH MY MIND. Trying to bat them down one at a time but it is exhausting. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes but I fight them off. Love all of you here. Grateful to have a place to get this out. writing down whats going on in my head seems to give me more power over it. One day at a time. Or like today.. one minute at a time.
I just hate it when my brain has those conversations with itself - no matter how hard I try to shut down the conversations, the chatter just keeps going and going and going....only thing that helps is to get out of bed, move to the couch, turn on the TV and wait. Those nites don't come as often as they used to but it is still so annoying and tiresome.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I have had those sort of circular and racing thoughts -- what if, what if, this is terrible, on and on. And here's where I am now. I let myself accept that my thoughts and emotions are doing that because I'm seeing scary, worrisome stuff. I remember that my body reacting that way is, in part, a survival mechanism. Your body is warning you that something isn't right. For me, if I try to get myself *not* to think those things, I end up feeling bad about myself, what's wrong with me that I can't stop thinking like this, etc.
So I'm trying to apply acceptance to myself, too. Those anxieties and fears come out of real concern. You see red flags. But here's where the slowing down kicks in for me... a thought process like this: I think my son in law is drinking every day. Okay. What am I really worried about? My daughter's safety, wanting her to be happy and safe, for example. That's a normal, healthy wish -- of course you want your daughter to be safe. Accept your worry and realize that the core of it is totally appropriate. Can she take care of herself? Yes, probably. Can you offer her support if she asks for it? Of course. Is stewing about what might happen going to help you, or her, or him? No. Your role is to be a loving supporting mom and to take care of yourself. If she needs your help she will ask, and in the meantime you need to let her, and your son in law, deal with their situation. You have recognize the red flag. You're concerned. But now you need to stay calm.
At any rate, that's sort of what I try to do -- but I find that understanding and accepting my own feelings about whatever situation is worrying me really helps. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Thanks for the ideas and the support. My sleep is all out of whack now so I've been up all night again but it's actually been good to be awake by myself. Once everyone was asleep for the night I opened my Bible study app and have been reading most of the night. I feel alot better. Think Im going to try to sleep now so Im not out the entire day tomorrow... which is really already here I suppose.
DP, I might try and write a gratitude list right now. That may help you reroute your thinking. You have to force yourself to think differently. And trust me, you can do it - I have clinical depression and take meds for it also. I only learned appropriate self care through AA/Alanon though. It took that much of a surrender and radical life change to stop what you are describing. Bad stuff would happen in my life or family life and I would make it worse by beating myself up, ruminating on it, and not separating myself from any problem. All problems became mine and I couldn't see my way out of them.
So...focusing on gratitude will help but here is the thing: You have got to engage in self-care. You don't realize all the things you are doing to sabotage yourself. Stick with your healthy routines of working out, regularly job searching, and working your alanon program fully! This will leave you far less vulnerable to negative thinking because you will be living in the solution. It is much much harded to drag a person down that is steadily moving forward. Make sense? Right now you are not letting yourself steadily move forward so you get knocked down easily.
If you keep reaching out and working the program, this will change. You will get better. I promise you.
I wasn't able to sleep but I've got my 2nd wind now. I think I will do the gratitude list: I am grateful that-
1. I have all of you wonderful people supporting encouraging and giving great ESH
2. HP gave me the courage to start f2f meetings-- next one tomorrow
3. My mother is such a wonderful and understanding person
4. My youngest daughter is such a nice, hardworking, Godly young lady.
5. I'm getting help with looking for work from vocational rehabilitation
6. My three grandchildren who are a joy
7. For the things I learned in the hospital about taking care of myself
A. Thinking errors and answering them back
B. Eating right
C. Exercising
D. Setting boundaries
8. Having this tablet and internet access when I need it. My Bible study app.
9. To be able to pray and be heard by God
10. For my relatively good physical health (though i've got a mean case
of poison ivy right now from my fishing trip)
11. Last but not least is my wife attempting her own recovery.
Thank you pinkchip...
