The material presented
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my boyfriend stopped drinking again 5 weeks and i starting to fear it not going to last. he has only ever got 3 weeks before (at home, he has stayed in treatment centres for months but always drank 3 weeks after coming home) and since we passed the 3 week mark i have getting this gnawing feeling of is it going to be today? if he doesnt anwser his phone i panic he drinking even though he could anwser 10 minutes later and he was in the other room, busy etc, perfectably normal reasons. i analysise every little thing he says. its like i afraid to believe its real because he has let me down so much in the past and every time i got my hopes up he distroyed me. i know it because there a bank holiday coming up and that would have been a big drinking time for him. also he lives with his parents and when they go on holiday also a big drinking time for him and they going away the tuesday of that week. its going to be a very tempting week for him and i dont know if he strong enough to get through it but i want to believe he can. i want it to work between but i so scared. i thought it would get better but it is getting worse. it has only been 5 weeks, not long at all. i struggling to keep it in the day and need stop worring about the future. when i manage to do that its great and im so happy so anybody got any tips or advice?
You have described the symptoms of being affected by an alcoholic. Obsessing about him, worrying, predicting the future. Along with this comes neglecting our own needs and failing to enjoy our own lives. Your boyfriend is an adult and he has the right to drink and he can choose to stay within his own alcoholism. The only power you have is for you. Your own thoughts and your own life choices. He will do whatever he wants regardless so should you. Don't be an extra in his life waiting on the sideline for a speck of hope that he will get sober and life will only then be great. Alanon is our medicine. Search for a meeting online.x
I understand what you are going through. My AH has gone no more than 2 weeks sober and then I start obsessing and worrying about everything little thing. It is so exhausting. Is he drinking? Is he going to drink? Is that alcohol I smell? What is that paper bag is in his car? Who is that he is calling? Where is he going? When will he be home? How long has he been gone? He feels and sees my obsession and uses that as an excuse to drink again, saying I make him feel bad, so why wouldn't he drink? We've done this merry go round for months now. It is an exhausting ride that gets us nowhere.
I'm trying very hard to change the ride. He is one week sober today. But I only realized that when I read this post, and realized it was last Friday that I last obsessed and hovered. We had an all out crazy day that time. Yelling screaming insanity. I vowed to myself that that was the last time I would get sucked into the insanity. So this week, I've gone to a couple of meetings, read my literature everyday, focused on things that make ME happy, and focused on my own self-care.
Alanon face to face meetings help me. I hear how others have gone through what I've gone through, I am loved and accepted in those rooms, and I find peace and serenity. It is hard to unlearn the bad habits, but Alanon and this board have helped me to take one small step each day to try to overcome my obsession (addiction) with my AH. I can only take one day at a time, and so can he.
My only tips or advice are to get to as many meetings as you can, work your program and take care of yourself. It will get better.
You are normal. Everyone worries...however, excessive worrying of what we have no control over is dangerous. Today I have a family party. Will the diease show it's ugly head at the party??? It might...but again no control over it. We must live our live, worry about our needs...face our fears and hand hand them over to our HP...thats how I control the obsessing.
((((lorraine))))...Welcome to the board. Your name raises memories of the disease in my families of origin; both sides alcoholic and addict. That I get to see it on the MIP board and hear the words Al-Anon from this fellowship raises memories of how all of the insanity in my life ended.
The responses you have received from the other women here are awesome for me because this is what embraced me when I was first led to the program by my HP on the second try. I am grateful and hopeful that you also try what has worked for me and millions of others all around this planet. Look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in your local telephone book and call that number to see where and when we get together in your area so that you can have what most of us have been given; ...peace of mind and serenity inspite of the disease.
Keep coming back because this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
thank you Lorraine for sharing honestly about your feelings and behaviour I do/have done similar things
I went to an inter-fellowship convention today and feel full up with lovely al anon peace
I came home and thought that I have often said and thought that I can't go forward with my A b/f while he is drinking and I felt guilt over that. Like I would be leaving him because he's drinking. And yet I know it would be ok if I needed to do that for me and my recovery. And I may need to. But todays thought was that it's not me doing the active leaving. Even if I stay in the same flat, while he is drinking I can't go forward with him because the drinking behaviours stop us being together even if we're in the same room. Although that is a bit sad to say it made me feel peaceful to think it. I am not betraying him. It's just a fact - active drinking will stop us being intimate and growing together. And its not my decision if he actively drinks or not.
I hope you get some peace Lorraine - keep coming back
it's a hard thin line to draw where loving someone ends and unhealthy expectations of recovery
take over . You also don ' t want to swing the other way and expect the worst in an attempt to
brace yourself . I think we are all trying to find where that thin little line is and once we ' ve
found it to remain on it . I think by ourselves it is nearly impossible and the most we can hope
for is to not stray too far from that line and for our HP to guide us back to it. Try to put him in your HP's capable hands and put the focus on yourself. You do him absolutely no good by worrying and a grave disservice to yourself. It takes practice and prayer. Be easy on yourself and realize you didn't get this way overnight or even in 5 weeks. Take it one day at a time. One step at a time will get you where you want to be.
Hi I haven't been here for a very long time. My husband has not used at all for about 6 months (he smokes pot but I find Al Anon still works for me) He has never expressed a desire to give up all together. He gave up heavy smoking 6 years ago. He relapsed for a year and we nearly divorced. He has occassionally used for the past 18 months.
Today, he has planned to use.
Usually I would be doing the obsessing, the anxiety, questioning myself, trying to prevent him from using, getting so worked up I am vomiting, checking up on him constantly etc. Doing every thing in my power to prevent this lapse/use/relapse.
Over the past couple of months I have not obsessed at all. I know he is currently at high risk of using given certain circumstances. He will do what he will do.
If I go home today and he is stoned (which makes him cranky and hard to talk to etc), I will read my book and watch a DVD I have there. I may go for a nap or walk the dog. I will pretty much ignore him with love. If I find out he has scored and is intending to continue his use beyond today. Then I will probably be back here more regularly.
I am powerless, but I am all powerful. My husband will use or he won't use. He is addicted. That is what he does. What will I do today?
