I am having the hardest time right now - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I am having the hardest time right now

Rinn · Senior Member

So my husband is finally sober, for real. He has sometime under him (a week), he is doing AA, cut off all bad associations and is really trying everyday. I know a week isn't a lot but it is a start and it is the best I have seen in three years. I felt like I took on the whole world for him-my family, his family, his addiction, everything. I was a single mom for 5 months fighting to keep out family together and our kids safe. It was exhausting, I ran out of fight. When I gave up he finally started. THAT part is ok.

The hard time for me is his sobriety. He is trying to set things right and do good and it is hard to let him take over sometimes. The hardest part is my family they aren't willing to let him try or set anything right or even be around. I am so happy to finally have my husband back. Instead of being happy for me, they all turned their back because I am staying with him. They think I am a "weak willed ninny who won't think for myself" My mom is my landlord, and have to move out if I want to be with him or have a relationship with him or even let him spend the night with me and the kids. It stinks. My mom acts like she is the biggest victim in this and like he intentionally hurt her.Yes we didn't pay rent for a few months and I was very broke going though this. She was paid back. I can't see how she was victimized beyond that. She didn't live here and didn't live though this. My and my kids were hurt and went though a lot.

But I am married and I take that seriously. I did kick him out several times, I didn't let him use here (if I knew), when I caught him I made him leave I don't know for sure if things will work but I would like the opportunity to try. As long as he is willing to start fighting I want to see where it leads. Our kids deserve that much, our family does. I can't justify leaving if he is sober. I feel like I am in a huge rock and a hard place.

I am still broke, but have to live without my husband til I can afford to move. My grandma and mom offered to pay off my car of 10K, let me live rent free for two years til our farm makes a profit, as long as I get a divorce. But My mom is moving in July 1st if my husband comes around again. She is going to start bringing boxes next weekend. She is staying in her camper in the driveway every weekend and wants his stuff gone so hers has a place. She just feel that she doesn't want to be associated with addicts ( I can understand) She doens't want any friends to meet him ( I felt ashamed too) , and doesn't want anyone thinking she enables this. But supporting me she is enabling him. (I can sort of understand). But to want me and kids to stay, and him gone is over the line in my book. She says in a few years if he proves himself he can come back and I should be ok with that. But that's two year of our family's life.

I am not very nice either I keep loosing my cool, and usually I am very put together. Everything is being twisted up by a bunch of manipulative people.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

The hard time for me is his sobriety. He is trying to set things right and do good and it is hard to let him take over sometimes.

There is a chapter on this in the Big AA book. There is also a letter to the wives; it may be a worthwhile investment. There is also an alanon book titled the dilemma of the alcoholic marriage. Both may help. It is truly a struggle you are going through. There are so many pieces in this. As far as if there are kids involved, I know for mine, they learned some learned helplessness. I taught them to stay in many times without setting boundaries and by allowing so much abuse to come into my own life, etc. Basically we teach people how to treat us. This was my own experience only. I eventually got alanon and realized that everything served its purpose and that there were many gifts to be had by all.

When it comes to mom, I too understand the enmeshment we can sometimes find ourselves in. When my kids suffer, so do I. Getting a little better at this as time goes on but still have my moments even with alanon. Anger is fear. The fear of not wanting you to suffer anymore and the fear of the future; expectations of him to keep on doing the same thing he has always done. Understandable and even normal for the situation. Anger is also grief; the loss of our own voice in a situation. It feels humiliating because it is a subtle type of personal humiliation; humiliation is a form of abuse. This is just what I have learned. However, being that the house belongs to another, it isn't out of context for the one allowing us to stay to set boundaries that make them 'feel safer.

I wish I could give you the answers but they are different for each of us. The one thing I love about Alanon is Step 3. When we make the decision to turn our lives and our wills over (our spouses, parents, children, jobs, finances, situations, ourselves, feelings, thinking, behaviors, emotions etc) after that we just have to trust the process. Once we make the decision to turn our wills over, nothing happens by mistake. If you don't go to Alanon, I would suggest to go if you can to at least 6 meetings. There are no professionals but our stories aren't unique. We all deal with the "common problems of alcoholism, addictions, etc., and the thing is although there are no professionals, there are experts who have lived with the problems because as human beings, we learn by experience. We've all lived with it and have learned so much. Eventually we will hear our stories and we will hear our answers if we just keep going. I wish you so much serenity through this.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I can understand both sides of this. One the one hand, I get that you are married and have made a commitment to this man. You have said vows and have always wanted this to work out.

On the other hand, you've asked your mother for support, taken her support, but also aren't respecting her right to have her own views and ideas. If I were your mother, I would also be totally "over" your husband and want him gone. I would not give 2 craps that he has 1 week sober after a history of using drugs, alcoholism, and other criminal nonsense - bringing drug dealers around and putting you (my daughter) and my grandkids through hell. I have been sober 4 and a half years now and I know from being in AA and doing it for a long time...a week sober is a really great start - but it's such little sober time. Nobody is "back" to being what they are supposed to be at 1 week sober from alcoholism and harcore drug use. What a person is at 1 week sober is a virtual baby with very few coping skills. Hence, I can understand that your mother would see that you have responsibilities to your actual children rather than a big manchild which is was a person trying to get sober and putting a month, a year, and then even two years sober is like (and that is WITH CONSISTENT AND ONGOING RECOVERY WORK). Also, if you were my daughter, I could also see myself thinking "who cares if he's 1 week sober? That doesn't make using drugs around you kids and being that reckless and irresponsible any better. You don't get forgiven that easily." Who was really hurt? Yeah you and your kids were but your mom is your mom and I'm pretty sure she has had legit fears and worries about you, your safety, wellbeing and that of her grandkids. I very much could see that him being on his own for a year or two while he regains some independence and coping skills after a long period of serious drug and alcohol abuse/addiction is reasonable.

I'm not saying any of this to crap on you - take your hope away or to say your husband will fail...or even that he's worthless. Heck - I am an alcoholic/addict so I have to believe in some redemption. What I do know is that it took much longer than 1 week for people to see I was not a loser and to get some credibility and a reputation back. it took years to start acting like a grown up and to have anything real to offer in an adult relationship as an equal (not even considering fatherhood).

It's going to be a long and ongoing road no matter what. Yes - there is hope. Mostly it's contingent upon you though and not on your mom or your husband. He made his bed from making poor choices. She has the prerogative to feel how she does about him. You are powerless over it and those are his amends to make with your family. If you side up with him and alienate your mom, he will never even see that it was a horrible thing he did to your mom also to make her have to worry so much about you and her grandkids. That is legit. Again - those are his amends to make and not yours. You are better off trying your best to get out of the way of that.

Nobody wants to give up on a marriage - the prospect of being alone and a single mom to a bunch of kids is also frightening. I get that and it makes total sense that you would keep trying and having hope...especially now that you are seeing some changes for the better. Just hoping you consider all sides and let other people own their own feelings, their own problems, and make their own amends. just like they say you didn't cause, can't control, and can't cure it... Well, you can't fix this situation quickly. Much of it is not yours to fix anyhow. It's his and it's going to take a lot of ongoing work and time. We say in AA that TIME = This I Must Earn. It does not happen overnight. It's going to be one day at a time (which is really why alanon would benefit you too). Recovery is slow and ongoing and it is work. It's not like "phew....glad that's over." It just doesn't work that way. I wish it did.

I cannot tell you how much my heart goes out to you for even having to be in this horrible situation where there are no easy answers. You will be okay though. You have proven yourself strong. Just be wary not to put all your sanity "eggs" in baskets that are being held by your husband and by your mother. Deal with your own stuff as best you can (you and the kids) and try and leave them to theirs.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

If you can get to face to face meetings, read everything al-anon you can find and start taking good care of yourself things can and will get better. I used to tell my mom and friends too much of my hardships and they too would take it on as if it was their burden to bear. I had to learn to stop telling them all the bad since they could not deal with it in a healthy manner. I was judged for staying with my AH through a lot of stuff, but it was my decision to make. I started al-anon and everything changed within me over time and now I am running my own life and feel very empowered. I am glad you found us and keep coming back. Sending you much love and support!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Good morning Rinn,

In no way am I speaking from a place of judgment. I have read your posts throughout the past few months, so I am basing what I am about to say from the info you have provided. First, let me say that I have watched 2 of my daughters go through 2 abusive relationships and have witnessed first hand what those experiences did to their sense of self worth. Thank God I had the tools of alanon..kept me from doing bodily harm to their boyfriends. I understand your mom's pain for you, your children and for her. The survival for the ones she loves are at the top of her list. I will be blunt, you are not well right now. If one of my daughters had children with a man as thick in the clutches of dangerous drugs such as yours, I would call child protection services to get custody from both of you. Your happiness and relief has depended on whether or not your husband has been using. We have urged you several times to remove your children from the physical presence of your husband due to the meth use and the company he keeps. Are your children really your priority right now? You are under the influence of your husband..get out fast and get help. Prayers for all of you

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Rinn, do you attend any groups like alanon for your own recovery. In my experience I was on the merrygoround with excuses like well he's trying so I can't leave now. It's part of the manipulation, give a little make everyone happy, suck them in, then back to doing what he wants. Well that's what it was for me and most people I think. That's why recovery for you is probably more important than for him because thenyour eyes open, cconfusion lifts snd the decisions you make then feel right and based on truths. You are being offered a chance of amazing help that would give your kids peace. If you refuse this and he uses how will you feel? it's important to search inside you as to why he is so important to your life when his addiction has hurt your family. For me I was addicted to my ex ah. He was my main focus in life at the expense of my kids and myself.x

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

When I got sever it took quite a while to earn back people's trust. It says in AAs Big Book that 10 or 20 drunken years can make a skeptic out of anyone. It says there is a long period of reconstruction ahead.

i also have a controlling mother. Im doing everything I can to find my freedom. like a llot of people I have a number of thgoing going on and I'm trying to just do the first thing, the nearest thing.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes when people give to us, they believe that gives them the right to tell us what to do, and or judge us.

I had to tell my mother that if she does not like what I do, then stop helping me.

Well next thing I knew she came to my home with I care boxes of food for my animals me and our kiddos. I was a widow.

We have to teach others how to treat us. I feel when we are grown up, we have to set the rules. "Mom if that is how you feel, then I will be looking for a job and be moving out with the kids." I doubt she is going to put her grandbabies in the street.

There are programs and help for single moms. Your husband has years of learning how to set up his program and following it to be able to really function.

Its possible it is time for you to continue to take care of you and the kids. He is very, very sick.

One thing I learned from raising my own kids was do not mother them. They are adults, and I KNOW they can do it on their own. And they have. I know you can too. hugz, debilyn

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