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So sad. It's almost impossible to sleep. My baby who just turned 19 is in the process of messing up his life and he wants my help...but I don't know what to do! If he makes no moves to recovery do I help him? He's piling on more and more issues that he cannot take care of. Legal issues
as his mom I feel I should do something! I'm so angry!
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
So you help him out of this mess. I did and it got me nowhere fast. I wish I only knew what I know now. I wish I stopped my enabling years ago. Maybe just maybe my son would be in a better place. I admit no guarantees.
You say he's piling on more and more issues and can't take care of it. Don't you think he would have the sense to stop then? He's not a little boy is he? He knows the difference between right and wrong. If mommy comes to the rescue will it help him besides giving him the ability to move on and continue with his way of life that he has now or will he stop the madness? That's the question. In my case NO
I sometimes wish my son got the 6 years prison time that was first thought he would get. At least he would be sober and not living in hell with this disease
Anyways I want my son to maybe get to age 40 so I have let go and let God take over. No matter what happens
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Another mom here - I too have learned to "Let go and let God". I was a classic enabler; rescuing my son, hovering, pleading, you name it. NONE of that did any good and he continued in his disease. He knows that I love him and will support him in recovery, but I refuse to watch him self destruct. I finally understand that you can love them to death.
I don't know what his future holds. I can only hope that he has learned some important and life changing lessons from his countless hospital stays and sober living.
I would recommend Al-Anon meetings. They saved my sanity.
Thank you. He's making incredibly stupid choices and is listening to the adult male he's living with. He just turned 19, he dropped out of school so has a tenth grade education....he is a 14 year old in a 19 year old body!
I feel so guilty. I never saw this coming. he did not get the life skills he needed.
I am incredibly angry!!!!!!!!!!!!
scared. Guilty.
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
Aloha Kelly P...pain is a great teacher...allow him to feel it and allow him to understand that he is earing it all by his own choices. He can hear and see and read and listen and has prior experiences...he isn't a baby anymore...he is young and has experiences and pain should be one of them as in touching the burner on a stove is. Why should he not have those experiences which confirm with him "Ouch that was hot!! not gonna do that again". I once heard a share from an Al-Anon mother regarding a speaker meeting she attended where her son was the featured AA speaker. After the meeting she said..."he never once said that he owed his sobriety to his mom". Your son won't get their working his program or yours...he will get there working "the" program. Pray that he finds his higher power when coming off of the ground. Praying for your serenity. Got Program? ((((hugs))))
I'm also the Mother of a son who struggles in the same way your son is now although my son is now 37. I've seen him go through incredible experiences that would have killed me, but didn't kill him. It's not easy, but the most loving thing we can do with our grown kids, is let them do what they will do. As much as we'd like to save them, protect them, stop them - we can't. They will do what they do for as long as they do it. I think Moms have psychic umbilical cords strung between our offspring and ourselves. We can't cut them so we feel the yank that is produced each time our kids seem to be going in a direction we don't think they should be going. I've learned that when I feel the yank, I can pray for my son, notice the rescue urge I get and let it pass or reach out for support and encouragement as you are doing, work my program and do things that are wholesome and good for myself. I don't do this perfectly. I slide back often and when really scared for my son, tend to tell his HP exactly what I'm thinking about the way S/He/It looks after my son, but I'm growing and at peace much more now than I was when I first learned that he was using and there was absolutely NOTHING I could do about it.
Much, much support and understanding for what you're feeling and going through as the Mom of a child with this disease.
It's hard when it's your child but he's not a child, he's a person who's making his own decisions. I am in the same place. I have kicked my son out my home, his life is a mess and still I enable with bags of shopping and money. I truly know how you feel. I'm trying hard to let go with love because I have spent years rescuing him from messes, no more, and because I love him, he's got to learn from his own mistakes.
Wish I'd known then what I know now when it comes to my 28 year old daughter. I too thought I was helping her paying her bills, rent, utilities groceries etc. while she claimed she wasn't making any money at work. All my enabling did was to allow her to buy alcohol and pills with her money.
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Nothing is more fatiguing than the eternal hanging-on of an unfinished task.
I sent you a private message. I also want to let you know that you ARE helping him by not helping him. How do our sons learn they are capable of handling their own lives and correcting their own mistakes if we do it for them? I don't know about you, but I don't like people stepping in doing what I know I can and should do for myself. It feels like a big downstroke whether they intend it or not. It's just like the butterfly story most of us know - that butterflies must struggle to get out of their cocoon in order to better develop and strengthen their wings to fly. If humans step in and open the cocoon for them, the butterfly dies.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 25th of May 2013 11:32:49 PM
It's very difficult. I'm trying to do what is best for him, and me. I've let myself become ill over this. I waste energy worrying. It only depletes. I want him to see, I want him to get it. I'm his mom. It's hard to NOT help him. I will keep reading, and meetings... Praying. Thank you all for the wisdom and support.
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
I too know what if feels like. I am my sons biggest enabler but I did not know I was doing more harm then helping.. But when do know your harming there addiction?? I thought I was helping..
