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So the using stepson (19) was asked to leave and with that I feel SO much better about feeling secure in my own home.
Today he wanted to come over and I told my husband I am NOT comfortable with him being here until he is sober. There was too much disrespect/lying/etc... on top of the using IN the house multiple times knowing that is a hard rule for us.......
Well, not only did my husband have him over but hung out in a room I was "stuck" in - (Some computer work you can't just get up and walk away from and this was a pretty critical re-build/techie thing....). While I was upset that he was even here, to bring him into the office instead of visiting in a different room just seemed beyond inconsiderate.
I did leave as soon as I could - feeling resentment that I even needed to remove myself from my own home in order to feel good about who I was sharing space with.
My husband said he would talk to his sponsor about it and see what he says. I asked "what happens in the meantime? and got no answer as the stepson said he would come back over later tonight. I'll be asleep by that point, hopefully anyway - but the idea of it is upsetting.
I feel as if my feelings don't matter and that my boundaries are being disrespected by my husband :( I also feel bad about this entire situation, but feeling as if I do have healthy boundaries is important for my own recovery....... But - YUCK Nevertheless.
I know a few of you are dealing with similar type of dynamics, so any ESH is really welcome.
Your husband is not respecting your boundaries and it sounds like he is going to do whatever he wants regarding your stepson...the bone he threw out regarding discussing it with the sponsor sounds like manipulation. You have been clear with him...now what will you do? I learned that once I stated my boundary there had to be some sort of consequence if it was violated or I had no credibility. This is such a tough spot for you and you are alone in trying to put a halt to the enabling. Are you going to al anon meetings?
The first few times were especially difficult for me, and, I still struggle with consequences when someone doesn't respect my boundaries. However, I carry through because I have learned that the alternative of not respecting my own boundaries is much, much worse.
As much as it stinks, sometimes inconveniencing or removing ourselves is the best way to take care of ourselves.
Your feelings are valid and do matter; validation is not likely to be given from an active addict... it is part of the disease.
Work your own strong program; your husband has a HP, and perhaps a sponsor, to help him with his own program, not yours.
Thank you all. You are right, I feel manipulated and violated and not quite sure what to do. Do I just leave every time the stepson comes over? This is all confusing/new territory for me. I guess I have some thinking to do about that, the ESH helps SO much. I appreciate it.
Is leaving what you want to do? If you leave a house with rats in it, there will be more rats eventually. To keep the rats out, you need to eradicate the rats. This is your home and your needs/wants take priority over the rats. My sponsor told me years ago that I was not needless or wantless...that has stuck with me and given me strength. What John said mirrored what I initially thought when I read your post...I would not give my husbands sponsor the power to interfere with my needs or wants in my home.
You husband has to respect your decisions too. I'm on the other side and my partner is upset about my son. He has not down right told me he doesn't want my son at my/his house but I know upset he can be sometimes. I have told my son he can't come here if he has been drinking, drunk or even shaking now. I have no worries about my partner getting upset at this point because my son can't get to that point anymore. I know you love your husband so maybe some boundaries.....good boundaries that you can be more comfortable with. Boundaries that you sign on paper might help. Discuss it with him.
Pray for guidance that a compromise can be reach.
Take care
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Reading your post makes me wonder who owns your home? Is it in your name, your husband's name or both? I'm also wondering if your husband thought your meaning about "sober" is a one day at a time thing? That the stepson is welcome on the days he isn't drinking? A little glimmer of hope for you maybe when it comes to your husband - even though checking things out with his sponsor in this circumstance might feel inappropriate or ridiculous or disrespectful - I see he's trying to work his program and probably has to do some growing up himself? Negotiating these kinds of things are certainly difficult, aren't they?
I want to clean up my comment I made about the rats...I am sorry for the distasteful example. I know when I start wiggling the edges of healthy boundaries (and your boundary is healthy) with loved ones who are desperate, they begin eeking in more and more (the saying "give an inch and they take a mile" comes to mind) and pretty soon they have taken over my space. Also I want to add, if your hubbie is new to recovery, his brain will take a few years to clear up so he is able to make clear decisions. This is a tough one for him, too, as he is probably experiencing a great deal of shame and guilt over his lifestyle choices and he may blame himself for his son's addictions.....Find support in local al anon meetings and the meetings offered here online. Take care...
Thank you again all. I'm just sitting here with butterflies in my stomach, and PP, I appreciated your comment about the rats, no need to apologize.
The house is in both our names, although it was his grandparents house, so there is a heightened sense of ownership on his part.
I like the idea of don't come over unless you are sober - but that would not be respected. The kid was smoking dope IN OUR HOME - WHILE WE WERE HERE. If he can't respect that rule = he just doesn't respect - period.
I do understand that my husband feels at a loss and his sponsor is helpful, so while on one part I'm okay with that - I'm also hurt that this whole thing is even happening. NO I don't want to leave, I love my home when I feel like it's MY HOME. But I love my health and happiness more and if leaving is what helps me with that, then it's something I need to keep on the table although after all these years it's really the absolutely last thing I even want to think about.
Hubby is also codependent and admits that. Some decisions, such as asking the stepson to leave was healthy - but the "don't come in the house" is not being respected. I feel they could meet up - have coffee, they just went fishing last week, there is plenty to do somewhere that doesn't involve me or my home. I'm not telling my husband not to engage with him at all, that's not even my business. But it is also important for me to feel safe/secure in my own home and that is my business.
After years of my husbands drinking (He's been sober again for almost two years) and years of having both of his kids in and out of rehab and just holy hell - I'm WORN out. I'm just so tired of it. I want a safe/sober home. I feel it's critical for both myself and my husband to have that and provide for my kids who aren't using and don't have addiction issues, and his own - for when they do decide to be sober - but not until then.
Ah - well, hubby isn't even talking to me at this point. I think he'll see his sponsor tonight. At least it's peaceful :)
A book called " Setting Boundaries with you Adult Children" by Allison Bottke is a great book I have read many times. In it it talks about setting boundaries and sitting down with the adult child and writing all down on paper ( boundaries ) also what you will do and won't do for the alcoholic.......and all involved sign it. So the boundary of not coming into the house if under the influence would be one boundary you all can sign onto. I used it with my son and he has respected it with the sign paperwork in his hand. He reads it often he says.
That way no if's and or but about it anymore.
What I didn't do was involve my partner and I wish I would have. We would be on the same page then.
Take care and I pray you come to some agreement with your hubby.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
We've been through the whole agreement and on paper several times, in our case, it doesn't work. Both of these children have been in and out of treatment centers since they were preteens, the younger actually in a much worse position due to other challenges, but I've been here with them since the youngest was in diapers and care deeply about both of them. It's difficult to feel as if my husband doesn't seem to fully grasp that because of the boundaries I've needed to set. I think just about every other possible avenue has been explored in regard to whatever intensive counseling, at home counseling, treatment center, family groups, etc... can offer over years of dedication and perseverance in trying to make sure they have the support they need. Drawing this line in the sand is not something that was done spontaneously or without deep reflection.
Hubby did talk to his sponsor last night though. He came to the conclusion that he was wrong, apologized and the stepson will not be allowed here until he pursues sobriety. So, I can feel safe/sober/healthy in my own home - that means a lot to me although its sad that it has to be that way.
You sound well grounded and coming from a place of deep love. They are all very lucky to have you in their life with the level of commitment you have demonstrated. I wish you all the very best.
Hi, Tennin. Well, a lot has been resolved for you since I last read your post. I am delighted. I was VERY concerned if the house was owned by your husband and this is where his kids had grown up - well - it could very well go sour for you - selfishly and erroneously on your husband's part. And it didn't!!! Wonderful. I hope your weekend is relaxing with no unsettling upsets for you.
Yes, that worked out, although my husband unloaded on me something awful and leaves me wondering just how much all the love and commitment is when it doesn't seem to be appreciated or returned. I do appreciate the well wishing though and maybe now that's out of his system we can slowly turn back to some level of functioning.
