The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
As I have mentioned before, I am seeing a counsellor to sort through some emotions I am having. She mentioned within 5 minutes of meeting me that I am avoiding feeling hurt. She could tell by my body language that I would brush things off and downplay clearly hurtful experiences. I almost cried.
Since then, I've been a wreck. I am crying, and the best way to describe my state is hurt. I feel a sting and have been since the beginning of the week. I am low on energy, my voice is quieter. I should be happy as I have everything going for me.
My dad said he saw his eurologist and may have to go for more radiation for his prostate cancer. His drinking has got so bad he's on disability and I don't see him returning to work ever.
As an aside, my status at work is in limbo as my project is ending.
I am tired of this pain. Tired of this loneliness. Tired of this stringing along. it hurts.
I hope you realize there is nothing WRONG with you at all. Our society has mistakenly assumed the myth that if everything is not perfect, smiley, white picket fence etc, that somehow we are deficient.
I call B*$***T! Pain and hurt is an inevitable part of the human experience. This realization helped me immensely. I also found myself comparing what I felt on the inside to what I saw on the outside of others...and that just isn't a fair comparison...
The other thing that helped me is to journal about my self-talk...I say the nastiest things to myself, about myself -- stuff I would NEVER EVER say to anyone else...once I started realizing that...I started working on gratitude ( a little at a time) and working on that enemy between my ears...I kept a notepad and wrote down the time of day, what happened, and what I said for negative talk about myself...I never realized how badly I thought of myself and how often, until I did this. (for example: 6 a.m., dropped coffee cup, thought: how come you're so stupid and clutzy?)
There are also physical activities, that for me, are incompatible with feeling crappy and low. I used to blow bubbles with little kids...SUCH JOY. What are the things in your life that have brought you joy? can you work some of those in here and there? Problem for me was -- I got so down, that it took effort to DO things to get out of my funk. Such a catch 22. Another thing that lifts my spirits and helps me work things through is water...a stream, a lake, the sound of water...it helps me. What might work for you? Once you find those things...make a real effort to DO them. It really will help.
Try to reach out to others...it's tough...and I still have difficulty doing it...but there ARE people out there who you can trust...we just have to choose more carefully...especially when we are feeling fragile and beaten up. I have a long history of trusting people who I shouldn't...and then feeling pain when they betray me...so now I am very careful who I let in close.
hang in there...and know that pain and hurt is part of the deal...
you are absolutely okay....It's not crazy at all to feel pain.
Hi, SJ: Tears are cleansing. You've been through so much. Let the tears come and go - the sobs, too, if there are some.
There is nothing you can do or need to do about your Dad's situation today. You still have a job today - even if your project is ending. Right now, you are safe, employed and letting go of things that have hurt you that you've carried in your mind and heart for years through the tears you are allowing to help transform and heal you. You're on your way to a new and happier life, Jim. This is part of the way of it.
I felt awful when I first saw a counselor and I mean awful, but in time I grew stronger and healthier and it was indeed cleansing. I hope you can keep taking care of yourself and see that you are worth so much more. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
((Slogan_Jim))) Many of us have learned unhealthy behavior patterns that seemed to work for a while. It's painful to become aware that these patterns are no longer working and weren't healthy. That said, the good news is that now comes an opportunity to learn something better. Be gentle with you. In support.
Slogan Jim, like I have stated before - we learn how to care for ourselves from first being taken care of by our parents. Hence, we learn self-care and self-soothing when we go to our parents hurt and they hug us and tell us it will be alright and maybe what we can do to fix things. What happens when you parent can't even deal with their own hurt? Or when you parent is on a pity pot drinking their sorrows away? That parent minimizes your hurt while exagerating their own. Plus they never model or help you gain skills to believe you will be okay. So you wind up stuffing your feelings and believing other people's feelings are more important, that yours don't matter, and they can't be helped anyhow.
So - now you have to unlearn all that. Some of this will be you reparenting yourself and some will be allowing your therapist, sponsor, and alanon peers to provide you with the nurturing that you did not get growing up.
It actually sounds like you're growing. Crying and releasing pent up emotions, took me a long time to get there because I shoved it all down for so long. I still struggle with it. A friend of mine said something similar to what your therapist said to you. She was surprised at how I made light of serious past hurts and pain, she told me that she'd be a basketcase if she went through what I had over the years. I just shrugged stuff off, and sometimes I still do.
I have learned from my own son that I do a crappy job of self-care, too. As RP said, she was always saying negative stuff about herself. I called myself a klutz one day and my son says, "Hey! That's not true. Be nice to yourself." Umm, where did he learn that, LOL??? So, as my son said Jim: Be nice to yourself. Grant yourself some space to work through things. Be patient. Enjoy something beautiful today: sit in quiet and have a cup of coffee. Read an inspirational book. Go for a walk or a bike ride and take notice of nature. Or, listen to some music that is appealing to you. Sometimes when I drive, I turn off the music in the car and just drive. Find something that you need and then take another step. Sending you lots of support today!
Jim, it sounds to me like you are cracking the wall you've built around your pain. It's scary as all hell when it first starts bubbling to the surface. What you are experiencing is coming into contact with the grief you have suppressed from all the loss (which includes the things we never got) from childhood. I know...I've been there. In time I learned to gently embrace the grief, trusting that it truly is the path to healing.
I was told yesterday in my session that I'm not going to heal until I find out what happen during my younger years. When children are young they tend to suppress the problems because it's a life saving response. We have to survive no matter what.
I was asked about my childhood from the ages of 5 to 10 years. You know I can't remember a damn thing about my parents and what happen in my household. I do remember my friends, neighbors....and always anywhere but at home. Now what's wrong with that picture?? It hurts, upsets me and depresses me. I have a whole lot of healing to do.....so now at the ripe old age of 61 I'm finally going to move forward.
Lets work and find out what is on our minds. Let find out what really happened to us so we can heal
Take care my young friend.....One day at a time...
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
