The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
I live with an active alcoholic, that denies he is an alcoholic. When he is sober, he is resonable however has a lot of unresolved anger that he takes out on me. He yells and swears and demands. Abusive. He has physically assualted me numerous times and I had to call the police on him and he was charged for assualting me and spent time in jail. The first time was for 6 months and the 2nd was for 5 months. He just got out of jail again and I took him back. He blamed me for his time in jail saying why should he have spent time in jail? I am not evil? Its your fault for calling the cops. He acts like the victim, feeling sorry for himself.
He has since physically abused me again. The situation was he was hung over from a 2 day bender. He began yelling and swearing and hovering over me, after he got home, as he has seen an ex-boyfriend of mine drive by a block away from my house. I keep telling him to told him to leave me alone and I had not seen him and to leave me alone. He refused and I threw a cup of coffee, I was holding, on his face. He went nuts and began pushing, throwing and hitting me on the bed. He had dragged me to the bedroom and continued to assualt me. I suffered a black eye and bruises all over my left arm. He was calling me every nasty name you can imagine. I was hurting really badly afterwards. I could not leave the house as he would not let me leave. I went to work the next day, feeling shame, anger, hurt and beat up! I do not trust him and the memory of what happened keeps going through my mind. I can not let it go as I feel it was my fault as well. He keeps saying to me if I had not thrown the coffee on his face, the abuse would not have happened. I hate him today and feel such resentments toward him. I do not believe anything he says. I know about having a safety plan and how to access shelters. He is now working out of town again and I am safe, but fear he will do this again. I am trying to take one day at time. He says we need help and we went to an AA meeting that Monday evening. I picked up Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews and read it. I feel so trapped and uncertain. I read the posts on here and that helps me. I feel alone in this nightmare!
I know I can not help him, but what can I do? I too argue back and yell at him, when he yells and swears at me. He constantly calls me down and says its a joke. I hate his guts and wish he were dead! He is worse when he is drinking he will grab and throw me around for no reason. He is this funny, loving guy when he is drinking but when he is sober, he is angry at the world, me and nothing is good enough for him. He presents as a totally different person and when he is in public, he acts like Mr. nice guy! But at home, he is this angry, bitter, rageful man. I hate, hate, his guts. I regret not calling the police on him again! He would be in jail right now, rather than at work! I feel like a fool and so alone with this secret!
We do not offer advise, but jeese louise - If he is out of town, change the locks and don't let him back in. Call the police again if he shows up wanting to get back in. The alcoholism aside, you are being battered and in danger from him. Get the number for the shelter and get some guidance for your next step. Nothing will change if you don't make a change. In my humble opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I use to have the same type things happen ... I began hating the person I had become, I was part of this sick show. Someone told me on here... If he's pushing your buttons, move your buttons. Now dont get me wrong. Going through our kids, that will still push buttons but I keep a suitcase packed in car for me and the kids and IF able I haul butt when needed. No "warning" just say Im going to the bathroom and next thing you know Im driving out and he's chasing me down driveway... When Im not able to leave, i call police quicker than the physical abuse can happen .... The words to remember is Im in fear for my life when you call... your NOT dealing with a rational person.. your dealing with chemicals controlling a monster that is living inside your husbands body. A paper trail of violent past can only help me when it comes time to get custody and him supervised custody of our son. I am a fighter, I just changed my fighting technique to not make me into a person I dont like. I have my security plan almost complete as of now. Im not physically or verbally involved in his fight...(and this is hard) I start my brain thinking.. fighting for my life and sanity..keeping mouth shut is part of winning this fight in the long run... Take the high road even when the on and on harrasments keep coming.. picture in your mind taking the low road and winning.. but stay on the high road Take care of YOU .... use your sense of humor .... sometimes I THINK (but dont say) I wonder if when he hears that coming out of your mouth if it sounds as crazy as it does when I hear it. I have even voice recorded at times, thought it would help him realize in the beginning of my recovery to hear his out of control self... it doesnt work that way(by the way) He hears a saine person not slurring and sounding ridiculous and then he went off on a tangent about why I would record something..blah blah blah I know we're not suppose to give advice.. but I am to you.... GET OUT OF THE ABUSE AT ALL COST !!!
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
First I want to welcome you to MIP.....here you are not alone so remember that.
Next do you believe that 3 times the charm and he will get better or 3 times the charm he is going to kill you? Please get help for yourself. You do NOT need this kind of love. You don't need to take that no matter what you say back to him. He can not hurt you. He does not have that right. Please take care of you right now.
I'm sure if you just walk into a ER and ask for help with your injuries they will call for you. Don't regret calling....call
We can be here for you but we can't protect you.....only you can do that.
(((( hugs my dear ))) I'm prayer for you
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Sounds like a very difficult situation for you. I would just encourage you to NOT engage, and to keep yourself safe. Glad you are reading "Getting Them Sober" - those booked literally saved my sanity.
Keep coming back Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow physical abuse is a tough one for me and my limit is once touch me and done. I grew up being physically abused and I will not hesitate to call the police any time I feel threatened let alone beat up. My exAH abused me emotionally, but once I felt it was changing over to physical as well I left. You know how you feel, don't let him blame you saying you deserved being hit. Be true to yourself and take care. I am glad you found us and keep coming back! Keep yourself safe and have you attended any face to face al-anon meetings yet? Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
