One of the reasons why he doesn't is because he's afraid...terrorized in fact...If and when he comes to understand that and gets into practicing the opposite of it recovery will start to bloom.   But it isn't all about him.  Cathyinaz asked the real question..."have you started...?"   Keep coming back this works when we work it.   (((((hugs)))) 

For my husband, he was still trying the control the pain, shame and guilt when I would speak.  And I had to learn to speak directly and simply...I learned to do this through meetings and conversations with my sponsor.  Do your recovery work and magic happens in all areas of your life...you will learn that a rich life exists outside the attachments to this disease and your hubbie.  Your marriage will be empty unless both of you do the recovery work.  Sobriety is not the key here, recovery is..and that takes alot of work, but it is worth it!

In my experience, when I keep trying and don't get what I want, my expectations are out of line with the reality.  In fact that's kind of a specialty of mine.   It sounds as if he just doesn't have the skills and/or the willingness.  He should.  But he doesn't.  As for how long you can wait, that's another question.  (Not one you asked out loud, but it was always on my mind.)  Is there a willingness to try, or any openness to it?  Is there a change over time?  If not, then you probably know what the future with him will be like too.  Your own recovery can change everything that's important.  Hugs.