cut to the inner core - Al-Anon Family Group

1976love · Senior Member

cut to the inner core

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

There are many reasons why we keep going back- hope, denial, etc, but nothing changes if nothing changes.

I use "Bud" as my aka because of the following I read somewhere:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

I was so afraid, hugging myself into a small, tight little person... waiting, hoping, etc. Finally, the day did come when I started to make changes; small changes, at first. One change lead to another, and another, and so on. I'm very much a work in process, but I finally feel that I may be starting to bloom.

We keep returning with the same expectations (insanity) until we believe that the only option for change is the one we need to make. It takes courage to change. It takes courage to detach with love. Create boundaries and choose consequences to those boundaries that can be enforced if violated. When I start enforcing a new boundary, it almost feels "wrong" at first, but only because it is creating a new pattern... I do it with the help of Alanon and a sponsor. It's amazing how many people trespass other's boundaries just because they can. Boundaries normalize our inappropriate over-active tolerance and reset our standards for respect, and dignity.

In support.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

1976:

We have all heard those same statements, and have all reacted as you have. I remember pleading with a therapst once saying, 'isn't it reasonable to expect S to come home before 4am?' He looked at me and said, 'no, that is not reasonable. he is an alcoholic'. I keep thinking I have really grasped the first step then it comes around to bite me again! So hard to REALLY accept that we are powerless over this, isn't it?

I don't know much, but I know if you keep taking care of yourself, get to meetings, come to these boards, read the literature, you will gain strength and clarity.

Stay strong-wishing you serenity

Yanksfan

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I did not leave because I didn't want to be alone. I seemed tough and independent on the outside, often threatening to leave, hoping he would change so I would not have to leave. I thought this man was better than nothing, as I believed no man would be any better....I was so sick...and as I write this, I feel sad that I thought so little of him. He was a good man even in his active addictions and is still a good man in recovery. This is a 9th step awareness for me; I have an amend to make to him. Thank you for your post.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I had those very same thoughts and said the very same thing..."What am I thinking...trying to talk with a drunk"? It's good to have you here. You've understood the first step...now make room for steps 2 and 3 and the Al-Anon meeting schedule for your area. You're not alone and don't be hard on yourself. Most of us have been there at one time or more and then we stopped. The serenity prayer speaks to your share and the responses you have received...in part..."the courage to change the things I can and..." You're there and here, Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

My ex would say all this too. He's in denial and that's where he chooses to be because that's easier. That way he can stay the same. You only have power over you. Keep working your program toil know what to do soon enough.x

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.