Profoundly moving. Thank you for trusting us with your heart, dear sister. In the face of your sorrow, let me light a candle of hope to shine in the darkness of grief for you this day. Let your feelings take you deeply into the heart of what is beautiful and lovely within you. Write them. Sing them. Share them. Let the inward Silence of your HP comfort and heal you. All that you need is within you. Let what you have planted become a metaphorical garden of gratitude, mercy, kindness, faith and wisdom. When those seeds reach maturity, share the fruit of your labor with others. You are a blessing to life. He is not worthy of you.

Tonight, for the first time in 10 years, I planted my own vegetable garden. I started small - just some tomato plants (the little cherry ones I like so much) and some green chile. My uncle and his friend came and fixed my irrigation system several weeks ago so I've been sitting on go for some time.

I have had the little seedlings sitting in my kitchen sink for the last week - I have been dreading this moment. This time of growth and renewal has always been a time my XAH and I spent countless hours in the garden, planting flowers and vegetables, making our back yard a little personal Eden. We'd turn on Pandora and listen to music and the sound of the fountain while we decided which flowers would go where. Oh, we'd have so much fun.

Now, I am doing it alone. I just can't believe it. I am still Godsmacked by the whole situation.

The tomatoes already have some little yellow blossoms on them. Green chile - won't come till later this summer. But we so used to love picking them fresh off the vine and throw them on the grill, roasting them and putting them on freshly cooked cheeseburgers from the grill that sits about 10 feet away on the deck he built as one of his "sobriety projects".

Of course, the deck needs some serious TLC - as it always is whenever an A does a project. Cripes. I'm saving up to get the boards replaced because he didn't let them cure properly. Now they're all warped and bent and out of line - kind of like him. HP, please remind me of those times - the bad times - as much as the good times are grinding a rut through my head right now.

I'm working on my fourth step right now and I know that this is something I need to work through. But G-D it, I am SO SAD AND PISSED at this moment that I have to do this myself. This time of year used to bring me so much joy. I'm trying to make it my own now, but it's just SO hard.

This time last year, we'd be packing for our Memorial Day trip to the lake house, to get it all cleaned up and set up for the summer. Get the boat all tuned up and ready for our daylong fishing trips. Last weekend, according to emails I received confirming the satellite TV and cell phone were reactivated, he went with his mistress to our lake house to set it up for themselves. My only consolation is that when they walked in, all MY stuff was there - clothes in the drawers, my favorite shampoo in the shower, the hammock my dad got for me hanging on the porch. I've asked him to bring all those things back to me - especially the hammock. It's one of the few things left I have of my father since he passed in June, 2009. He loved to lie in a hammock at his own house in Indiana and I told him I always wanted one because it reminds me of him. After his death, I actually had a dream of me coming upon him in his hammock. His eyes were closed - and I knew he was gone. But then his eyes opened and we had a talk. I asked him why he had to go. He said, "Baby, sometimes it just catches up with you. It caught up with me." I woke up sobbing. I miss him so so so much.

My XAH actually planted a garden with his mistress at their new home, according to pics on facebook. I was so mad and dismayed and disappointed, God help me. I have blocked him from FB but before I could block him, I saw those pics - of his garden with her and our beautiful dog sitting among the flowers. I could feel my heart breaking in my chest, shards dropping into my stomach.

I just can't believe I'm doing this alone. When I got done planting my meager garden (compared to the riot of vegetables and color from flowers that have been in years past) I just sat there and cried. I said little prayers to the plants as I put them in the fertile soil, but my heart is just not in it. This is not what I planned. But I had to plant them with a blessing, or I know I'll wind up with dead plants soon. That would really do me in. I need those little plants to GROW! Just to reinforce my faith in nature and humanity.

It totally sucks - being on my own. I know I'll feel better about it eventually, but tonight I am just totally and absolutely heartbroken.

I've been doing OK up until now, but I'm really having a moment. I really need your prayers and your ESH tonight. Please, dear MIP brothers and sisters and HP, tell me it will get better.

Oh my dear brother Jerry - thank you for sharing your HP with me, even though you've got your own challenges going on right now. Your wisdom saves me.

Blondie,

I am sorry I did not read this last night to offer prayers with the others to help you through the night, but I am offering them now.  It does suck and it will get better.  Your little plants will help you  "tend your garden"..and you will manage the "weeds".  love to you....

Dear Paula - thanks for your prayers. I just don't know what got into me last night, but I guess I needed some pressure release...the last few weeks have been really hard and I've been sucking it up. Doing much better tonight.