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I returned home after the night at the hotel (finally some peace) to find that no one was home. Thank god. I later got a call from my husband who felt like total crap from all the drugs and drinking from the past week. He was in a neighboring city..didn't have his blood pressure medication nor his lexapro nor his xanax. He was pretty much going through withdrawls. He asked me to pick him up. I sort of said I would be didn't really jump at the chance if you know what I mean. He said he would get his friend to do it. hours later he is still not back..going through worse withdrawls..and is idiot friend wont' wake up to bring him home. SO, of course I went to get him. I mean I don't want him to die. I took his medication with me. Brought him home. He spend 3 days shaking going through withdrawl probably from both alcohol and the drugs. I want to say I picked him up on the 8th or 9th a wednesday or thursday. by Friday he was past the worst part but got sick cold/flu congestion/cough. looked like he had an infection. So obviously he was able to not drink....but he acted commited...wanted to get sober yadda yadda. I know that I won't be able to drink...then it went to sure would be nice...then probably tuesday he found some liquor i didn't realize we had, poured a gladd but didn't drink it all. Surprise. but then again he was pretty sick. by wednesday or thursday he was already drinking the small bottle if wine that we were about to use to cook a roast, then it was beer again....no more liquor was his defense.
Last night his drinking buddy (well aren't they all) came over - of course he thought it would be best if I went to our store at that time (i did have some things to take care of anyway). he was gone when I got back. when he came home he wasn't wasted (I was suprised) said he only had 4 beers. then I went upstairs because now I'm sick lol!. I called to him and he straight up lied and said that the 1st friend was there. I knew better and said who else...when he admitted it was the other "friends, the drug friends" and when I looked outside the 1st guy was long gone. so I got mad at him. 1 for lying 2 I hate the whole scenario 3. he gives me no respect whatsoever in letting me know what is going on. I went back downstairs to get the coffee ready for the morning and he told me to wait and do it later - they are about to leave. I said what do you mean, ?you are leaving?. I said please no, don't go - just don't go. Well of course next thing I knew they were gone. I called him and he said they just went to the gas station to buy beer. But I tracked him on I phone and I could see they were headed out of town. so I got mad again. he said I was overreacting and he was trying to be a better person (not sure about that one) adn that I dont give him a chance. I told him that he doesn't give US a chance - that he knows how damaging this is to our relationship but he chooses to do it anyway, because he does what he wants whenever he wants no matter how much it hurts me or our relationship.
Gosh, I bet you hear this same story said in a hundred different ways.
So.. getting up to speed. He is back, slept off the drinking. Wants to quit or says he wants to quit, but frankly I don't think it is in his power. This morning he ran off (unbeknownst to me) bought I think a 12 pack and a bunch of liquor. I couldn't tell he had been drinking. He came over to me holding a coke. it looked sooo good (I rarely drink soda) and I begged for a sip only to find it tasted like liquor.
Another small fight ensued.
I get it. it is out of my control. Frankly it is out of his control. I get it - I am covered in fear and insecurity about our future with him as an alcoholic as well as my own selfish concern of my daily existence continuing to be disturbed by this disease.
I have not made it to a meeting...yet?...
I can see he is suffering. I can imagine it must be frustrating to not be able to control his desire to drink. But then I wonder how committed he is to quitting. His withdrawls are very real. He must know it is bad. I have a hard time "letting" him drink....He deserves me to be a more compassionate. Can I really help him through this???
You can help him by letting completely go. Let him suffer, let him cry in pain, let him drink until he's so sick and wants your help.....then say no. No is a complete sentence.
I found if I continued to enable my son, he will never seek help, he will never really experience the consequences of his choices. I have to let him fall no matter how heartbreaking it is.
I had to seek help for me. I went to Al-anon to be with others that can help me. I had to learn how to react to my son. I had to detach with love....
I will pray for you and your AH that you find the strength and courage to let go let God.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
No - you cannot help him through it. He has to want it. Once the alcoholic can get through 1 week of withdrawal the worst of the cravings are gone and then they have to want to be sober and work a recovery program. It is also not about compassion and trying to understand him battling his urges. Being a sober alcoholic, I never got sober by learning to beat my urges. I surrendered and worked a stringent recovery program. The whole notion that he can control it is what keeps him drinking. Alcoholics think they can keep all the balls in the air and drink at once - they play that game til they lose things 1 by 1 and are left with nothing. Often that is what is needed for them to get sober.
Hence, the question is: He is going to drink or not....What are you going to do?
Gotta change that "yet"...as soon as you can because "your" recovery is waiting for you whether he is drinking or using or not. "...what are you going to do?" That question needs a commitment. Go to a mirror and tell the person you see..."I love you and I'm gonna help you live outside of the disease" then...go to a meeting. In support. If you stand quiet you can feel us nudging you to your back. ((((hugs))))
I echo what Jerry said--your recovery is waiting for you; take care of yourself, get to a meeting, then keep going. Keep coming here, lots of support here for you. In your post you wrote that people have probably heard a version of your story a hundred times, I would say people here have lived some version of your story a hundred times, and there's strength in that.
There is nothing you can do or not do that will influence whether or not your A ever gets sober and into recovery. That is a tough one to learn and really accept, I'm working on it everyday!
I have been hiding out I guess waiting for *him* to change *our* life. I need to start thinking (as sad as this is for me) that this *my* life, not *our* life. All I ever wanted in life was to be married with kids. That coupled with the fact that he is..yeah..i guess I just better say it outloud..a control freak....I haven't ever done anything without him or his permission. (and I never got those kids I dreamed about - which is ultimately a blessing that no one elses' lives are affected by this.
He left this morning...went to a bar...it is now past midnight. In the past I guess 10 days he has spent about $800 and that is just cash. I think that I am may just go ahead and take out what he has spent drinking in cash and make myself a nest egg. Frankly, I am stuck with half of his debt. If we end up getting a divorce that is how it is gonna be. I don't see why I should just sit back and watch him pour it all down his throat.
And I've been wondering how much my new place should cost in rent (since I've been considering leaving)....and he easily spends a 3 bedroom house rent money in a couple of weeks. Not that that justifies anything..but gives me perspective.
I found a meeting tomorrow morning 10am. a closed discussion (I would be most comfortable), and the meeting is in a church (again I'd prefer that as a setting Ill feel safer) Although I don't regularly...eehem ever...attend church, I am a religious/ spiritual person and it is lacking in my life. Partly because my husband is of another faith.
I've been afraid to go to meetings because I am afraid of his reaction or opinion of me. Well, If he can go to bars all day (not call), then I don't see why I cannot do as I please as well. This is a two way street. And the more I realize that it hasn't been...the more I think I will be inclined to leave him when I get out of, as you so aptly put it, "crazytown". The only risk I run in going to a meeting is "outing" that my husband is an alcoholic. Seems to me like he is doing a good job of that himself..two nights ago he got handcuffed by 7 officers at our local bar. Issued a trespassing warning because he has been kicked out numerous times before. This is where I'm supposed to put an LOL, but it isnt that funny.
This is more than his alcoholism, this is my marriage, this is my life, my existence....and I mean that in two ways....1.I am scared of the change..of being alone......and 2. I am afraid that I am gonna HAVE to change, that changing won't be an option anymore.....but I wonder If the universe is trying to tell me hey hello? this IS your life, your existence..your happiness..you *need* to change. I am embarrassed to say this had been a long time coming.
I want to take the easy way out. and that is just sit complacently at home watching the world go around me...but I am secretly dying inside. I am becoming bitter, I watch the world go on around me and wish I was a part of it but am too scared to make a go of it. Maybe this is what I needed? something this drastic to give myself permission to start living my life for me. It has been so long, I have a LOT of old habits to break. I lot of old habits...thing that I bet would make me co-dependant....something that I would learn about from alanon.
Thanks for being there.
I bet the universe keeps my husband out ALL night and morning so that will have no excuse not to go to this meeting tomorrow. ; )
Your recovery has begun...now take the next step and it is scary as hell. You have expressed that you know there will be changes, and, yes, there will be and they are so delicious. Difficult, yes, and lots of opportunities to practice our new skills. Project your life forward; if you don't take these steps, what does it look like? Even if your husband was not in your life, you would attract the same kind of man because you are the attractor. That is a tough one, but there is hope through al anon and we will help you through. Keep coming back.
