In love with the co dependant of an AW - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In love with the co dependant of an AW

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I can hear your anguish and I am sorry. When I read this, it seems like it would best for you to let him know, as you would any addict, this is not working for you and there will be no more contact. You cannot heal if you continue to have contact with him. He is like taking a drink would be for an alcoholic. That is how I see it anyway. I would like to give you a big hug and tell you it will be ok....peace.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Debi))) I'm sorry you have this situation.

I find the same Alanon principles and establishing safe, loving, and enforceable boundaries works for this situation, too, as this is what brings us to a place of serenity. It doesn't sound like he is ready to make changes. We know he cannot be forced, either and that he has his own HP to guide him. Detach with love to give yourself a chance to gain a better perspective and get to an inner place where there is less pain. (It's always so much easier to say than to do.) I agree with Paula, that it probably is best to let him know and then to get busy with things that are nurturing for you. If you continue even limited contact at this time, it will be extremely challenging to process the hurt and gain a better perspective.

Sending prayers.

cinders · Veteran Member

Debilyn, aside from the fact that you have to take care of you and deserve to be in a healthy, stable, loving relationship, he is not a man free to love you or offer that kind of relationship to you that you so rightly deserve.

I just recently met a man. I have been apart from my exAH for 8 months now and I am so very happy. I feel free and at peace. I have strength and kindness around me that I have never had before. I have a relationship with my HP who I call God that I lost while with my ex. He refused to allow me that and I missed it much. The man I met, he claimed to have the same relationship. He supported me finding my way back to my HP. He shared a lot about himself and I was able to share about me, my hopes, dreams and goals in life. I found myself trusting and connecting with him. We were building a friendship that I finally believed in again.

Then, he accidentally sent me a text message that was apparently meant for the woman he had just spent the weekend with. He had a long term relationship with someone that he had failed to reveal to me. I would never have allowed that in my life. I simply replied back and said that lies were not allowed in a relationship with me and that I was choosing better for myself because I was worth better, that I deserved a man that could see my value as more than that. I have not heard from him since nor contacted him again.

Now, granted it was a very new relationship and I am so glad that I was taking it slow, that I had not thrown myself into it body and soul. But I know that I deserve more and am worth more. I am a beautiful strong worthwhile woman who has a right to be treated like a queen and with respect. Each woman deserves that, including you. I want a man in my life that values me as much if not more than I value me. I am worth it, just as you are. Its not easy to step away from the pain. I have had a hard time missing the daily conversations and constant text messages. I miss him making me feel beautiful and wanted again. But, I know it was not real, it just felt good to feel like someone cared or that it was possible. I am reminding myself that my HP helped me to see the truth before I was too far in to it and could be hurt even more. I was given the chance to see my value and stand up for myself. I still feel alone at times but I am thankful for the experience and thankful for the chance to grow through it.

Feel your own worth and love and you will find peace.

Jackie Z · Member

Debilyn,

I am so sorry to hear the pain in your post. Sounds like the 1st phase of that serious kind of grief that leaves us not knowing what to do or what to trust.

When this happened to me about 6 mo ago I too felt this deep tearing pain...very visceral ...in my guts. Some thoughts and prayers that helped me were these....

I had to be true to myself and speak my truth. It felt like there would be no hope or ending if I didn't.

I prayed "Lead me God to work on myself to find love and understanding of me"

I believe he will always love me in some way.and I will love him in some way too.

I had to work hard to move on and get my beautiful life back...not quite there yet I admit.

Here is a quote from "The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz that helped me too

"Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love."

'IF SOMEONE IS NOT TREATING YOU WITH LOVE AND RESPECT,IT IS A GIFT IF THEY WALK AWAY FROM YOU.IF THAT PERSON DOESN'T WALK AWAY,YOU WILL SURELY ENDURE MANY YEARS OF SUFFERING WITH HIM OR HER.WALKING AWAY MAY HURT FOR AWHILE, BUT YOUR HEART WILL EVENTUALLY HEAL,THEN YOU WILL BE FREE TO CHOOSE WHAT YOU REALLY WANT. ('IF SOMEONE IS NOT TREATING YOU WITH LOVE AND RESPECT,IT IS A GIFT IF THEY WALK AWAY FROM YOU.IF THAT PERSON DOESN'T WALK AWAY,YOU WILL SURELY ENDURE MANY YEARS OF SUFFERING WITH HIM OR 2nd Agreement)

I know from your previous posts you are well aware for these thoughts....but when we are in the throws of grief and pain we don't always remember them.

My prayers to you...I am tall and have big shoulders...I gladly lend them to you....

Jackie

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

debilyn -

there is absolutely nothing I can say, except maybe, yes, it sure does suck out loud to be in this situation. I fell hard for a guy (2 years ago now!) and still feel pangs when I see this or that post on FB and that he now has a gf.

i don't know why people do what they do. It's SO hard to let people in, and trust them, because I have been hurt, betrayed, and let down. It hurts when people change, and decide they want something else. It's LOSS. and with loss comes real grief...

So it helped me to remember the grief process...sometimes you just can't think straight, other times overwhelmed by sadness, other times angry...so be kind to yourself as you tend this open wound..

I am sending you all the good juju I got..and know we're with you...

RP

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb, I know it seemed safe because he was a friend, but it does sound like he was never really emotionally available and he kind of wormed his way into your heart using your friendship. That's not right. We all have some codependent traits and he is also bringing out some of yours. You are worrying how he will feel being "cut off" from you but he is the one that made you these promises and didn't back them up. He also lives in another area of the country I gather. Hence, it would seem that you had this highly intense intimate bond but it wasn't as real and intimate as if you had been face to face and actually developing that kind of friendship/relationship. This relationship also started out from both of you being in needy spots and relying upon each other for support. Any time you take that kind of relationship to another level, it usually is wrought with codependency. Ideally, you deserve someone that can grow close to you by sharing their strengths and their choice to be with you and only you - not only sharing their struggles, weaknesses, and wavering between where they want to be and with who. I don't know about you - but I'm only 40 and I feel like that is too old for a long distance "but we love each other but tragically can't be together" relationship thing... Too complicated. Too much drama. You are a classy woman that deserves someone to court you, take you out on dates, meet your family, get to know your animals and your hobbies... I don't know about distrust in men, but I would suggest not continuing to fish for ones from a pool of wounded fish.

I know I'm going out on a limb in some ways here but I just picture from all your posts and the loving caring person you are with friends and your animals and you deserve someone that will really knock your socks off in person and court you with real romance, dates, and the works. Someone fully available. That ought to be a prerequisite cuz you are that much of a catch (says the gay man hehe).

In other words: Lose that zero and find yourself a hero!

Even if not feeling that: Be your own hero cuz you are also pretty fabulous just on your own.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Deb.. reading your post just really took me back. It was just 3 years ago that I was tore up from the floor up, and needin' a check up from the neck up when I discovered my ex wife was initiating an affair, and I ended the marriage because of it. Yes, I did the dirty work of making the decision that I deserved better and wouldn't accept less, and started the process of bailing out... but that did not mean for a moment that it didn't hurt like hell. She seemingly went about her life and I went nutso. Maybe it wasn't as easy for her as my brain seems to think it was, but I know for a fact it rocked my world. I was all over the place with it emotionally. One of the things that I had to come to terms with is that loving someone doesn't mean that they get a free pass to bring less to the relationship than I do. Anyways, its history now, and I've finally moved on and found peace within myself, and do not regret the decision I had to make for me.

Trust was pretty much sunk in me. Trust, a part of me that I valued the most. The ability to give true trust to others pending their showing me they were not worthy of it. I didn't set up a bunch of prerequisites that they would never be able to meet, I just put it out there. And BAM! This one knocked me for a loop. It took a while, but I finally had a moment of clarity that brought the realization to me that I was still caught in the bondage of being the victim, the wounded one, and I was letting this person have more control and power over my emotional center and mental well being than they were actually ever worth. This is when I started the process of reclaiming my life again. I had to repeatedly ask the God of my understanding to bless me with the ability to forgive, let go and move on, and one day I woke up and there was no one missing in my life any more. I was finally free. Of course I can still get a remainder from time to time, but I don't get stuck in it, I ask my Higher Power to help me keep the light of love on in my heart, for I never want to live in the dark there, but I also ask that He protect me from the insanity of missing what I really never had. It works.

I have seen evidence that you are a great woman, not just a good woman. That you are a strong woman, who survives the cruelty that life sometimes can throw our way and you become stronger for it.

Just know that there is a "few good men", and not everyone is still caught up in the baggage of their past and you surely deserve one of them, then try to keep your eyes open, and your heart receptive to the one your Higher Power will send your way.

John

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You all are so wise. Yes when we are in this pain, even the most seasoned Al Anoner needs our brothers and sisters.

I have to read again as each of you really put your hearts into this and said so much!

It was shared he was never ready for a relationship, that he used our friendship to get into my heart. Wow is that ever true. I will always remember the day he told me he loved me. That he was leaving her and needed me to help him thru it. I said no at first, very seriously NO leave me alone. Then I listened to him and let my walls down slowly. He would ask me,"why do you keep backing away from me?"

I was so encouraged to let go.

One thing you guys don't know is I do not date. I never meet anyone. I went almost 18 years alone after my first husband died. I had men around then too but stayed away, made them stay away. Then married the second A. After that now been alone for over 12 years! So saying there are other men out there, for me is not real. Both my second husband and now this guy came to me, really pursued me. I am not easy at all.

I don't love easy. Especially men. I have learned they always go away. For whatever reason they do. all of them.

death, brain surgery, lieing, on and on. they go away.

So facing the rest of my life alone as usual, is almost worse than death. It's so much harder when you are 60 and cannot lift things, or remember things as you used to. Being alone takes on a whole new meaning. I thought I had a chance to really be in love and make a life. I was stupid and made it up in my own mind apparently. I was given mixed messages.

Missing what I never really had is true. Hurts. I thought for once I did. He made me believe it. I had to make myself believe it.

Mark you are funny, as if being gay makes you less a man! You are right in so many ways.

John thank you for sharing that. You have been thru it. You found piece and don't regret what you moved on. The thought gives me heartburn.

Omgosh Rehprof the thought of him having a gf, I want to throw up. Just made me sob. In my head I think ok he coiuld possibly cont on with the divorce, and when he is ready he can contact me. For now is not our time. am I crazy? This seems ok to me.

Jackie first phase of serious grief????? you mean it gets worse??? 'shoot me now!! I don't give my trust to anyone. I don't trust or distrust. I just love people how they are. If they act in a way I cannot accept, I leave.

With him I gave it all body and soul. Completely honest, so did he. The complexity of having to take in the grand children really put a horrible wrench in the works. I guess now he shows his true colors. He has choices to make. Debilyn will not just hang around when he has options now to cont with the divorce and meet me. BUT. its killing me both ways. To not have anyone to talk to for years and maybe the rest of my life is so horrible to face. No I do not have family no I do not have intimate friends as they are all married and have their own lives. I have no intimate friends. Most all my family died and intimate friends too. Since I have not talked to him, I have talked to no one. Literally.

cinders yes you are right. He is not in a space he can offer me the kind of love I need. You are so right. Though I know why things are as they are, does not mean he is ready anyway. I thought we were growing towards a life together, so did he. the g kids were in a very dangerous situation.They were left alone, I mean three babies left alone at home.

It does not matter how young your relationship was that had to hurt horrible. He musta hid his lies well!. One thing about this guy he does not lie. that is not the problem. You and others said it, he is not where he can give to me. even if he wants to. He has things he has to figure on his own.

bud wow, see I did forget. Detach with love. My way is to love the person but hate the behavior and stay away. I need to stop this in order to see it all in a better perspective. That makes so much sense. I guess the thought of telling him, and it has to be on the phone, I have to hang up. I see hanging up and falling to the floor and sobbing with no reason to get up. When two people only know their true insides, not physically, it is so dang strong. we have built something that sex did not cloud up. Of course we are both ready for that now. but for me that means marriage, he looks at it that way too. again he is not ready, he stopped the process where I was moving on. my head hurts....

PP I cannot heal if I cont. contact. That tells me maybe I can feel better? We have been in each others lives for way over ten years. I mean really there as friends. To imagine him not there at all. Is like looking at an ocean alone, looking out on a mountain to rolling more mountains of endless trees, meaning nothingness. no love at all. I need love so badly. We all do.

When the blood clot thing was serious, I had no one but him. He called and stayed with me on the phone the whole time. I had to go to hospital every day for treatments. It was horribly scary. He is the one who made me go to the doc in the first place. doc said I would have died had I not came in, that 60% of people who have this do before they get to the hospital.

He was there for me.

I know you are right.How can one heal if the wound is constantly reopened.Maybe I am not ready to face it. or are we ever ready.

For us both we are who we want to call first and share something. His cute grandkids say or do something and he tells me. I see my crazy animals do something i tell him.

I had some weird guy on my property, the first one I called was him. I had to redo my stove plug, He walked me thru it over the phone and we had so much fun laughing and goofen. Felt so good to be free and open.

I feel all stuck inside. No hope no dreams with out him. back to the usual of being so alone. Since i moved i have not gone back to my sunday meetings. I study my
bible a lot, follow my beliefs.The elders of this congregation treated me wrong. I never felt welcomed. At my congregation in the mountains it was like home. we felt like a family.

In all the years I have been a JW I have NEVER met a man that was single that was the least bit attractive to me.

Single men are rare. I have prayed for years and years, I thought this was the answer.

I am fortunate to have my eden here. My rescue horse is beautiful beyone words now. My two Alpine goats are so much fun. They are colored like my bay horse, reddish brown with black. Taylor and Toffee. My pigs are a blast, my tiny one goes everywhere with me, my dogs are still following me from room to room...they are all doing well. Its so pretty here in Oregon now, so green and lush. I have a comfy bed, a home here.

Just was so so nice feeling I had someone who cared. I mean getting groceries, running errands, whatever I did, I did not feel alone. We would be on the phone together thru so many things. I went for a long walk next to this neat river/pond place, looking for a duck someone wanted me to rescue.

We send texts and pics back and forth at the same time. Then I realized i was not safe one tiny bit back there and basically ran back out. My son tells me someone was murdered there last year....geez.

he is not afraid to tell me when I blow it, I can tell him too. I never trusted anyone to tell me no that is not a good idea. I do now. He said stop it, you have horse fever. one will come, the right one. And she did. sigh

Well my tiny pot Prudance is cussing at me like no one else can to let her in....thank you is not enough to say to you all.

sent with so much love.

Mark I don't care if you are gay, marry me anyhow! lol hugz, debilyn

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Debi- this relationship shows that you would be ready with someone available and deserving. Keep praying and I will say prayers for you, too. 60 is the new 30, but taking one day at a time has no age affiliation anyway. In support...

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

MY heart goes out to you in a big way! What would you tell me, I know you always know just what to say to me, so suppose I came to you feeling this way and having this happen to me? You have the biggest heart of anyone and maybe you could take good care of you and give back to yourself right now. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. Be true to yourself and your well being. It should not have to be so difficult, things with my exAH by the end was too hard and even now I see him and feel the codie in me start fighting to come out. You have been through the ringer already and deserve nothing but the best Debilyn! I am sending you much love, prayers and support my friend.!!!!!!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry you feel so lonely. Is there any groups in your area like rambling or sailing, anything like that because that would let you meet people, expand your horizons and you never know who you might meet. I think you need to build your confidence up after this knock. Also, there is online dating. I know it sounds desperate but it seems to be the way it's done these days. I've read your posts before and it sounds like you live in a beautiful part of the world with animals and a nice wee life, don't let any man take your serenity away.x

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

What I am reading here is that this person is not available - on any level - especially considering he has an AW?

This sounds like the story of going to the hardware store expecting to find a loaf of bread.

I know in my illness, I've had a long standing history of seeking out and expecting the attention of people who are not available.

This brings me back to myself and asking myself how much do I really love myself. When I love and respect myself, I am enough. I do not require the company or attention of others in order to feel whole, and those unavailable people become less important to me - or I at least no longer seek the kind of attention from them that they just simply cannot give.

I'm not sure if you get to face to face Al-Anon meetings or not. I just know that for me, when I get so spun out and taken hostage by my obsessive thinking that it's best for me to hit as many face to face meetings as possible in a week. If there's a meeting available every day, I get to each meeting. It's there that I get surrounded with people in healthy recovery... where I get to reason things out - in spoken word - with other people and get to see how distorted my thinking may have become. I tell you everything makes perfect sense in my head until I try to verbalize it... it's at that point where I'll pause and go... "huh??? was I really thinking THAT?" It's also at those meetings that I get surrounded by people who are willing to show me some love in person - it's either through their respect as they sit in silence letting me talk, or in their smiles, pats on the shoulder or hugs.

I encourage you to go get filled up with that love at some meetings.

I know it makes a big difference for me, and then I get reminded that I am loveable, I am worthy of love, and I am enough just as I am.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.