For me in a relationship with an A there are long periods of sexual anorexia.  I am in that period now. I feel completely asexual.  I have periods of anorexia followed by periods of wanting to be intimate. I no longer beat myself up for these. I know my boyfriend wants me to be sexual but I don't go by his wants and needs anymore as the universe. I am content to let my needs and wants guide me rather than try to stand on my head to be the only one working on the relationship.

I don't see that I withdraw sexually as a way to punish him although I am sure he does.   I have tremendous sexual abuse issues and I am working on them as best I can. I do things for him still like this morning I gave him some stuff for a zit he had on his face. I am not totally cold and unfeeling but if I do not want to have sex I do not worry about what he thinks before I worry about what I think anymore.  I am so grateful to be in this space because for so many years I felt that my worth was solely focused on what he felt, what his needs were and how great a person I was to be in relationship with. Now I understand I may not be a great person to be in relationship with but neither is he.

Maresie.

I hear ya loud and clear girlfriend!!

I completely relate!  I used to "withold" sex because of his actions, smell, my mood etc.  I discovered that sometimes I really have to "prepare" for our excursions.

I did some soul searching, and realize that he "needs" it more than me.  Sex for him is an affirmation that he is okay, and eases anxiety etc.  For me, I need cuddles, touch, conversation, but he needs the real thing, no messing around, just straight to the punch line.

By recognizing that his needs are different than mine, I am able to meet them a bit easier.  We don't have sex every time he wants to, but I try to make an effort to prepare myself at least once a week for a good "quickie".  When his needs are met, my crazy demands are more likely to be met.

When I prepare for these situations, I usually change the sheets, have a bath (and shave my legs, and other "necessary" self maintenance), put on some perfume, turn off the TV, light a candle, and call him in.  I don't ever let him know what i am up to, cause i don't want him to ever expect it.

I need a certain element of control in our relationship, and he lets me have it.  This is one way. 

I dunno, it works for me. 

Aron

I tend to be a very sexual person and I put a lot of importance on sexual communication. I believe that sex is much of an important way to communicate as arguement and rational discussion. When my ex would get very depressed he would drink a lot and he wouldn't be interested in having sex. This was hard for me to deal with. At the same time I ralized that it was because he needed a different kind of communication. So I would sit down with him and we would talk about what was depressing him and once he got it out he was usually back in the sadle.

With my current "A". For the first time EVER, I'm the one who doen't want to have sex with him. And it's becuase he doesn't make me feel emotionally safe. I feel like he doen't create a safe environment for me to express myself wheather we are having sex, fighing or just talking. In a very mechinaical way we were fantastic together. However, that's not enough for me anymore. The last time he took me to bed, I told him that I simply couldn't get into it. He accepted that and just cuddled with me and held me all night and we woke up still in eachothers arms. It was one of the best nights we'd spend together.