The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Your dreams aren't dying with the end of this marriage. Your nightmare is ending. I'm fairly certain your dream didn't include any of the treatment you've received in the course of this relationship. Sounds to me as if it wasn't a marriage, but a torture chamber for you. I was exactly where you are in 1979. My mother helped me by telling me when I felt so bad about ending the marriage that a marriage is a contract. My ex didn't hold up his end of the contract. That made the contract null and void. Your ex couldn't hold up his end of the contract - not because of you, but because of him. He wasn't capable of it.
Right now, you're cutting your losses and moving on. There may come a time - in the future - when you, like me, are grateful to him and your relationship to him. You can't see it now, but you have grown. You will continue to grow. And all that has happened to you will make you a person who will be of service to many people in ways you cannot see or predict now. Keep working your program, trusting your HP, and showing yourself what you are made of in your new life. This is not the end of your dream. It is a whole new beginning.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 19th of May 2013 09:31:25 PM
I keep wanting to talk about my situation, my feelings, to get it out because I am stuck in my head and emotions. So much has been built up over the last 4 years of marriage. Now that I filed for divorce (3 months ago), and have a protection order, I thought I would find space to heal. Seemingly not happening. I am so frustrated with myself.
My AH always made me feel like an overly-something fool. Made me feel ineffective, lazy, crazy, delusional, overly sensitive, overly mothering to my 2 year old (when she falls head first down the stairs), overly fearful (when he gets in my face and screams, grabs me, or slams me in a door because I beg him to hand me my child). He withheld affection, appreciation, approval, support. He put on a facade for his family, who he is now staying with. He will shape up, stop drinking, and behave - until he is out of their supervision again. I am concerned for my child's safety - we are currently in negotiations with our attorneys. The trial for the protection order is next week. Who would even CONSIDER giving 50% custody over to a person like this?
I know that I am supposed to remember that I allowed these things to happen. I allowed him to mistreat me, I allowed him (somehow, even when I tried to point it out or stand up to him) to get away with it. I am trying to do right by myself and my child now, by leaving him. I know that that is only the beginning - that I have work to do, to look at me, and to identify what drew me to my AH in the first place.
Tonight I am feeling anxious and frustrated. I stuff my anger away, and turn it inward on myself. I tell myself the lies he either directed at me, or implied. I want to be feeling better about myself. My self-esteem is nil - and yet, I think about my abusive AH, and recall how he is pampered at his parents' house. How he continues with the supposed "addiction" counselor who he continues to hide the truth from. I want to NOT think about him, at all. I am angry with myself for still loving him - for forgetting how miserable things were. I am angry with my abandonment fears, which kept me coming back to him.
I am the one who bears the burden of moving out, protecting myself and my daughter, being a full time single mom, full time employee, and in school. I don't just want to survive - I want to live. I don't want my dreams to die with the ending of this marriage.
KL
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
You come here go to meetings do whatever it is that you need to do to take care of YOU!!
I read your post and all I can think is WOW .. you sure are taking a LOT of responsibility for a situation that was created by two people. I am going to be very very clear here that abuse is NEVER ok and that part of the deal you can deal with later. Did you allow him to abuse you? He has his part in this as well .. no one has the right to verbally and physically barrage someone with constant negativity and negative actions.
Right now re-read what you wrote and think about what you would say to someone else if they called you with what you just shared .. are you going to beat them up verbally, hold them hostage over what they were afraid to face? Or are you going to gentle them with encouraging words and whatever that self talk is .. PLEASE give it to yourself. YOU deserve it.
What you have done is incredibly brave and no one said that brave was easy. Brave is that path that you've never been down before so all those weeds have to be cut down, while a new path is carved out and the fear that is there only needs to be faced one baby step at a time. So again .. slow down and be easy with yourself.
This stuff is all going to take time .. no one gets divorced screams yippeeeee .. I'm healed .. it's a process. Some days are good, some days not so much, especially in the beginning of the whole process .. just take your time and try to turn as much as you can over to your HP. NOW would be a very good time to get to alanon meetings and a counselor .. you deserve and need all of the support you can get during this very difficult time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been there too. You need to try hard to be kind to yourself. You did the best you could with what you had so forgive yourself. He has been abusing you so long don't join in. Some tlc, sooth yourself. I did this through working the program and for the first time ever I'm taking cAre of me, meeting my own needs that have been neglected so long. Read the literature, attend meetings, this is the first step to feeling better.x
Dear KL..you a have tremendous amount on your plate..so much ahead of you and it all must seem like a huge mountain to climb. Just remember that all you can do is today..if you break down each task into what you can accomplish today you will do just fine.And the things that don't get done? They will still be here tomorrow. When you get through this storm you will be so proud of yourself...and amazed by your own strength...Rather than diminish you, this experience will empower you.
The sorrow, the sadness...it slowly dissipates and in it's place is tranquility and serenity....you can do this....just today....just today...just today....
Sending lots of support your way today and every day. What may feel overwhelming and terrible right now may be the turning point for you (at least that's what I am believing for myself!).
Keep coming here, the support is amazing--someone has lived through what you are living through.
You have been very brave and are fighting to protect yourself and your little one, that is the right thing to do. I used to have to journal at the end of everyday to help me see any patterns and because the bad things that happened, I would forget to see them and miss only the good behaviors that were far and few between at the end of my marriage to my exAH. In the end I mourned the dream of who I wanted my A to be and or become and not the reality of him. Don't worry about him fooling anyone, A's can be charming and manipulative, but they can only hide there true nature for so long, let go and let God with him. I can very much relate to your post and am sending you and your little one lots of love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
