The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have undertaken a home trip and when on another trip during that trip. Leaving some geographical distance between me and the place of little traumas I had over the past year with the A...it felt really amazingly free. I met old friends and family and was reminded on many occasions who I was, am and why I should just be me.
I didn't come back here because i wanted to try to relax and stop reading for a bit...I've worked quite intensely on my recovery lately, but I thought I would take this month as a holiday from everything. at first I felt great, due to the new-old environment... some happy features of my character came back to me, and I could finally breathe quietly.
No I have to pack and am about to fly back to that place, and today is no good day. I feel panic. I feel fear, i cry my eyes out, feeling again that emptiness and uglyness and depressed feelings come back and I feel so lonely today, even though i just came from friends house and feel leave shortly for other friends. also I have made a mistake I think, I have been contacting ex A before the holiday, and so some hurt and wounds lie again wide open due to the conversations we have had. Why am I doing this to myself? Like today , again I hope somebody would come along and would take care of me, just for a little bit. I'm in huge lack of affection, and I feel again like a five year old, waiting to be fed and hugged. I wanna feel like the woman. I had it for 2 weeks , briefly, far away from everything. and now it seems to slip away again. I am My co.dependency leaves me hopeless somedays..like today. desperate. I feel so weak and drowning in self-pity again. and this is a dangerous situation for me, because I know now this is the cause and the moment where i let myself abuse and where I'm so vulnerable to loose all my self-respect.
For a moment I felt i did the right things the right way, and HP put me in nice situations also with that attitude.
Setbacks aren't setbacks in the true sense of the word .. it's growth .. it's coming to a new level of healing. I have often said that I have kicked my program out a three story building and now have to go back downstairs and resort it all. Well .. I need to figure out what is working, .. what is not, .. what do I let go of and what do I keep.
When I experience what you are talking about I look at getting my spiritual fitness solid .. where do I need closer contact with my HP? What can I do to be gentle with myself today?
It is ok to be afraid that you are walking into the same situation .. the reality is .. you have changed and you can choose to respond differently. These are the moments I need my sponsor and really need to stick close to my program. I read, remember what is in my emotional savings account and if that is empty it's time to refuel it.
My circumstances may not have changed .. my perspective certainly has.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Just came from a meeting where another member was saying much the same thing and describing (literally) a five year old "act out" and also that she had come from a better place too and so on. Sometimes growth just sucks!! I love Pushka's response to you cause it is an echo of what I've heard earlier and over the long period of my recovery. "I'm feeling bad because I just came from feeling so good"!! Been there and done that and it help me push for more good feelings on purpose. We talked this morning about relapse or the falling back into our "using" behaviors and thinkings and feelings". We learned how to do that stuff habitually until we found the program where we unlearned it and replaced it with newer gooder stuffs. At least I did; however the lesson that I got from the old timers was that "You didnt get into the disease overnight and you won't learn the recovery overnight either". I do what Pushka suggest...I inventory the situation and I take my time doing it...cause seeing it clearly is important for me and one reason is that it cuts down on repeats.
The bad helps you see the good...awesome perspective...you've grown over time and now it's time for more growth. ((((Tortuga)))); sister thank you so much for allowing me to be a spectator of your recovery. What you give away helps others.
