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My husband is in recovery and was my original qualifier and Alanon has been my lifesaver.
My stepson is still using, we just kicked him out of the house (He's 19) because he wouldn't respect our wishes of NO USING IN THE HOUSE. My wish was no using period, but that's beside the point.
The point is, he lived with us for six months after being asked to leave his mothers (Not sure why) and his grandmothers after being caught with heroin. He lived here and it was awful (lying, disrespect, things destroyed, etc...), finally after finding pot in the house for the sixth time, my husband asked him to leave and he is at his aunts house - this was two weeks ago and is welcome to stay there until he either screws that up or gets out on his own.
Now my husband and stepson are fine, they went fishing together last week and this morning my husband asked if it were okay with me if the stepson spent the night on Saturday because it's closer to his job. I said NO. If he wants to get sober, earn trust and show he can respect house rules - then maybe we'll see about it - but as of now, that is not the fact of the matter and I am in no way, shape or form comfortable with him staying here in an overnight situation as that doesn't have the level of supervision I would need for him to be here at all and to be even partially okay with it.
My husband is upset and said he doesn't understand my reasoning why its not okay for the stepson to spend the night. He also doesn't want to talk about it although I am sure there will be some repercussions about it later.
I really believe this is a healthy boundary - but man, this isn't helping our marriage any and even though I do believe I am making a healthy choice for me, our home and hopefully to teach the stepson that it isn't okay what he's been doing.... I still feel like I'm some mean person for it.
You are right. He has violated your boundaries so many times. The fact that your husband wants to do the same thing doesn't make it suddenly right to give him another chance to steal, trash your house, use again. I hope you have a sponsor and people you can call if you need more reinforcements. Blessings! Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
This is a healthy boundary, and, no, you are not being mean. My husband has been in recovery for 6 years, and, I see so many co-dependent tendencies in him; he is now able to see some of them, now, but it took several years. He has a difficult time setting boundaries with our one daughter that still lives with us. Do you and your husband have sponsors? This would be a great issue to take up with sponsors. Letting your stepson back in after such a short period of time is giving him mixed messages and he will manipulate, manipulate and manipulate more. When he runs out of places to hang out and destroy, maybe he will then choose to get clean. If he can eek his way into these places of comfort, he has no need to stop using. Addicts are con artists and will eat us up if we let them. This is a tough one, but stay on your path to recovery regardless of how your husband behaves. Good luck!
I concur with Temple - it is your boundaries, your home, your rules. Your feelings are valid about your spouse. Btr it's only after sticking up for yourself do you realize how much you have grown in the program. The enabling of the past ( and it's consequences) has been acknowledge and you are firm in your new found strength . I am lucky that my husband and I are in lockstep with our A daughter. She has one month to move out. Support of your spouse means so much. Please reach out to your alanon friends and especially your sponsor.
We had custody of him and he left to move back in with his mom under the same type of circumstances when he was still a minor. At that time our agreement was he would not be allowed to come back unless he was free from using. Well, that part didn't work. I am working through some resentments there and admittedly, that is easily done when I have my house back and feel more secure here. The thought of him coming back and staying, even if "just overnight" is something I feel very strongly against - for all the reasons I've all ready mentioned.
I will make sure to tell him to check in with his sponsor about it. I guess I'm afraid they will just let it happen and I'll wake up to unwanted company. I have NO idea what kind of boundary to set with that. I do have to give kudos to my husband for asking me if I was okay with it though instead of just letting it happen.
Aloha Tennin...your post reminded me of one of the boundary test my parent clients and I use to use when setting consequences for busting the boundaries...The Pee test!!...fail the test you also fail to sleep in your bed, use the teevee, telephone, refrigerator and any other thing that doesn't have your name on it. Think about it.
Of course your husband doesn't understand...maybe you should go stay with family for a while and let the two of them hang out together. Nothing like a little hands-on enabling to wake a person from denial. LOL practicing my sarcasm...does it pass?
If my husband does allow the stepson to stay here tonight, I just might have to consider that as I am not comfortable living in a place where my boundaries are not respected. I am tempted to question him about it to see if he's let the stepson know one way or the other, but then I think I should just say nothing and expect that my boundary will be respected, I feel that is more respectful although it stresses me out not knowing for sure how it's going to play out.
Try killing all expectations and let it evolve...that way you might be surprised and maybe not. Turn it over...all of it to HP and go do something you want to do for you. In support. ((((hugs))))
I my case I'm your husband. In the past I would have done anything to help my son and I understand where my partner is coming from ( like you ) but I didn't care. Until I got sick and tired of the insanity I didn't listen to anyone. Sadly though my partner now hates my son and no matter what I do nothing is going to change his feelings about him. I have changed and I don't obsess over my son but the damage is done. I pray that's not the case for you.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
